Saturday, December 29, 2007

Art In Me...

Recently like I have said, there have been a spark that is tingling around my mind especially in the area where art ideas and interests are coming from. Part of the reason is I was fortunate enough to meet two things in my life recently. One living, one well... not alive you might say. First would be a book, I've never said anything about it before but there are a few artists, whether it may be fantasy artists or comic artists, but there are a few of them that I really really admire and I do follow their work. No... I don't remember their titles and stuff, but just from looking at them I know it's their work.

One of them would have to be Alex Ross. There really is no set of words that can describe his work. Basically he is a comic book artist, or rather a comic book painter to be more specific. The interesting thing that sparked my interest is his airbrush works. Seriously, you have not seen The Flash, Shazam, Justice League and many other famous characters till you see his artwork. Most of the time, they pretty much look alive as if it was a photo. I remember when I first see his work it took me a while to realize they were drawn and colored instead of a photo with effects. Really really amazing artwork from him.
Some example artwork in Wiki

Second guy would be Imperial Boy. Nope it's not his real name... d'oh. I am not very sure what his real name is, been looking for it but failed. Probably because I don't read Japanese. Yup the guy is a Japanese manga artist. His work is breathtaking and detailed, the colors are usually very milky soft tones, Wow... just wow. Basically what really makes me go nuts over his work is the background. His landscape and background work is amazing. Usually his artwork consist of characters drawn in a pretty normal and dull way but the background is simply amazing which really makes me speechless sometimes. Now when I say drawn in a pretty dull and normal way doesn't mean his character sucks, just that his landscapes/scenery/background really just makes me speechless each time. In fact I stumbled upon some of his work in a famous book that I wanted so badly last time in MPH. Bought it and it was great. The book is titled Robot Volume 2. Basically it's a collection of works by many young current manga artist with they really really really amazing work.
Some example of his work in Wiki
Some example artworks from robot magazine/book
Another site with robot magazine/book stuff

Another artist caught my attention recently and I have practically downloaded his tutorial videos and I watched it and it was really really great. The guy I am talking about is Carlos Cabrera. Practically the guy does digital artwork mainly most of the ones I saw was using Photoshop. Really amazing work. Most of his videos which are an hour to two hours long shows how a blob of nothingness turns to an amazing art. Don't really know much about him but he seems to have a lot of projects from pretty famous companies. Some of his works are in fact for games and advertisements. His works are usually concept art, fantasy themed, monsters etc. That kinda stuffs. And the artwork really looks amazing.
Example of his artworks in his portfolio

I wish I am as good at these artists. Hopefully one day. Living here, specifically in this country really doesn't spark much motivation for me to come up with ideas on what to draw in the first place. I don't know why but everything seems so geometrically straight and dull and artificial. I want curves and a sense of nature. But then I still try my best to get myself going sometimes. Just want to be a bit more hardworking in it, that's all I ask for.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007


Strangely enough being someone who rants a lot about how bad I am treated by my friends, I haven't spoken to them much lately. Maybe it's the fact that have practically cut any form of connection with them whether they noticed it or not. Maybe it's for the better. Who am I to be sure of such a complex matter in life.

Even though I have had friends since I was small, I have only known the true stripes and fangs of friends in the recent years. Yet it doesn't make me someone who is less hurt by them. Over and over I have fallen in the depths of the pit of despair and disappointment. Foolishly I still climb up and took a dive into it again over and over. It makes me wonder to what point my tolerance for pain is. At what point will I say stop and start revolting against what pain that is coming towards me.

I have witness so much but am still unable to get the facts right till now. Recently I have learned that couples and friends don't really mix that well. I don't really think that I have a sense a jealousy for couples that I know of. Strangely enough I have witness it countless amount of time where friends who are already a couple acts cold towards me compared to the time when they needed me. It saddens me, it really saddens how much they have actually forgotten about me. But I will just leave it at that as I still owe lots of my friends that does not give me any privileges whatsoever to sad anything bad about them as it would only make me more depressed for doing just that.

Lately I stumbled upon someone who posted up a question in a forum. He/she asked "Can friends be forever?". Being someone who have gone through quite a number of them I would have to say sadly no. Although I would wish for friends that are forever, it just isn't possible when people start rambling on about how I should just let things be and how I should move on with my life. What kinda cheap getaway card is that?

Upon reading more and more of the nonsense people reply to the kid, I took notice of one which kinda sounded practically like what I have been through. I started with a fairly large group of people. In the early days, everyone was fragile. We had nothing except in the right hand was the faith towards a God and on the left was a hand of another friend. Years passed, what was needed have been achieved, rewards came in abundance and the only way to carry the reward was to let go of one of the items in the hand. Did they let go faith or did they let go someone? I am not sure. That is really up to them to decide.

Some met new people to hold on to. I don't want to be the mean selfish guy to say WTF cause I don't have the right to do so cause it's their life. In fact most of the time I am pretty much happy for them. But the fact that they let go of me just doesn't make sense at all. What makes it even worse is that the reasons that is given is just out of this world sometimes.

Personally I don't think I am much of a guy worthy of friends. I don't like to talk much but I am pretty sure I am a good listener. I have goods and bads. But recently I felt a little disgusted by myself. The feelings I have seems to lead me to think of myself as slowly trying to make people around me feel the same pain as I do. I think from all the values (not the good ones) that I have gone through about myself tends to show that I have become somewhat of a lone ranger with heck of a lot of bad luck mixed into me. I recalled a certain character in a supernatural chinese show once. This character was fated to not have friends and close ones and anyone close to him will fall into despair. Being the hero of the story he lived a live of solitude ensuring that everyone is saved from the curse that I am pretty sure he didn't ask for.

Maybe I am something like that. I do notice people around me being in despair. Maybe subconsciously I have pushed away every single one of my friends away for the very same reason. Okay it's getting late and I don't want to drag people into a load of nonsense that might pop up in my mind. Long story short, I hate people these days, I hate how they are so selfish, I hate the stupid reasons they give me, I hate the fact that they only come to you when they are in need, I hate the fact that they don't contact me anymore, I hate it when there is nothing I could possibly do, I hate the fact that they don't understand me, I hate the fact that I get blamed for every possible reasons that the relationship between me and them have gone sour, I hate the fact that they don't take notice of the situation that is happening in front of them and they don't realize it, I hate the fact that I can't do a thing about it and the only thing I could possibly damn do is to avoid everyone and avoid the whole confrontation whatsoever, I hate the fact that we never get to discuss this, I hate the fact that the only things that we ever talked about was not even of slightest importance compared to the debate of what toppings I should put on my hotdogs, I hate the fact that I knew them, I hate the fact that for everytime you said you were hurt the same way I did, I was hurt 10 times more, I hate the fact that whenever I have something to say you were not there to listen, I hate the empty promises you gave me, I hate all the fake smiles you gave me, I hate the fact that there a knives behind my back and they belonged to you, I hate the fact that you went away without saying a word, I hate the fact you went away, I hate the fact that the more I hate you the more I felt bad, I hate the fact that I have to be the one to notice it all, I hate the fact that everything wrong in the world is caused by me, I hate the fact that those who are closer to me hurts me more without even noticing it, I hate the fact that there is just so much I have hated over the past years, that writing it all down here is just a waste of time cause one way communication never did, is or will ever work.

The fact that I am still alive right now shows that I am in denial and you are being ignorance regarding the matter.

People That Ticks Me Off...

I didn't want to mention this since I have been pretty much in a good mood lately but then again some things are meant to be said... some people just have to do the dirty work. Anyhow, there is just this couple of people, I am not saying who but then again I think it involves a lot of "outsiders". Now I am not saying this particular group of people are bad and you should have a bad impression of them but rather a few of them that make the whole group looks bad.

I came home from work today feeling lucky cause I manage to avoid a downpour by a mere couple of seconds. Pressed the elevator button and waited patiently for the elevator to come and came this guy with both his hands full of stuff. When the elevator came I pressed the button for my floor and being the nice person and goodie goodie guy I am lately, I ask which floor he wants to go to. He said something which I didn't quite catch in the beginning. So I said "I'm sorry, what?". I am not sure whether he was intentional or not but he kinda raised his voice when he replied me "ONE". Okay there are just two things that are simply wrong here. Grammatically, it should be "first floor" but I would accept "one" if he would just be a little nicer when freaking replying. Sheesh.

Next is the people who ruin the nice looking lines. These people tend to not understand what a line is. Well being the goodie goodie person I am (not), a line is a formation of people one beside another or one after another. What I can't seem to understand is what is so hard for people to understand that when you trying to get any services and there is like more than yourself, you freaking get in line. Lately, I've been taking bus a lot and for some reason everytime, I must say congratz to some Malaysians who actually automatically without even noticing forms a line and obediently wait for their turn. Then comes THOSE people, walks straight to the front and looks at you blankly as though they don't know what a line is. Now I am not trying to be high almighty, I do cut lines myself at times but then again when it comes to normal situations, it really puzzles me why is it so hard to understand what lining up meant to these people. Then one day I finally notice some little teeny tiny evidence of the reason why. I don't remember which newspaper I read but according to guy who wrote the article, he encountered somewhat of a rush hour when going on a train overseas (I refuse to disclose the exact location) and practically he experienced what it is like to get into one of those train which involves lot of pushing and being pushed around to an extreme level I might say. Maybe it's normal overseas, I am not sure but then there is there and here is here, I think everyone should respect the people and the place they are at.

And lastly, smokers and loud talkers. Trust me there are more but I rather not think about it right now cause it spoiling my mood more and more every second. There seem to be a bunch of people who smokes and puffs like a factory chimney and blowing their smoke into people's face without a sense of any human-like rationality. I don't know what is in their mind. I don't even want to know but for goodness sake please blow it back into anywhere else but everyone around you. Next are loud talkers. Honestly I think two things are wrong here. First, my bad for not being able to understand what they were saying since it's a foreign language. Secondly, please for God's sake pipe it down a little. Goosh, it really feels like I am right in front of an amp sometimes when a pair of them talks loudly like nobody's business. This my friend is called noise pollution and personally I haven't not witness it till recently and I regret withnessing it. At first I thought hey this people are cool, they are practicing freedom. Freedom my a$$. Honestly I felt like shoving my shoe up both the smokers' and loud talkers' mouth. Then again I would end up having to go back home with a sore eye and barefoot.

Sigh I guess this is life. I just accept what happens in my life no matter how bad as somewhat of a test of faith for me. Nope I am just not the religious type that praises Him ever so often but rather someone who appreciates what is in store for me by Him. Somehow I think I have taken so much blow from Him or maybe not Him but from someone, that I have become totally numb and unable to return fire. Heck I even say thank you and remember them as if they happened yesterday. Reminds me of what my friend used to say "I can forgive you but I will never forget what you did". Somehow it all make sense now.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Holiday... Not... Kinda

Well I am back from my four days holiday. Sad thing is my leave haven't cleared till now. Oh well it doesn't seem to be my problem now since my leave was neither approved nor rejected. I am guessing the guy who is suppose to approve my one teeny tiny day of leave had not been around since Hari Raya Haji. So basically there weren't much I can do. I had to buy tickets and whether he rejected that leave or not I have actually already taken it. Too bad for the guy. Not really sure what happened to the guy though. Before the holiday I heard one of my colleague asking the admin people about how was he or something. Not sure. Didn't bother with other people's problem.

My four days were OK I guess. Started with a whole half an hour or more of sunbathing... in the bus when the Penang Bridge was in a heavy jam. Cars were piling up a couple of miles back from the toll booth. Thank God for godly bus driver, we managed to get through pretty fast after that.

Got to see my nephew and my parents. Somehow my nephew got pretty excited over a Rubik's cube I brought home. He don't know how to solve it but then again he is pretty amazed and announced it's his. Of course I am not giving him that. I just let him play with it. According to my parents, he is starting primary school like in a week or two. Good luck to him. He is gonna need it. Though I feel that he is a bit not ready for that. Oh well, we'll see.

Had a pretty relaxing days at home. Went for church on Sunday with my parents. The church seems to celebrate two occasion. The Sunday before Christmas and also on Christmas day itself. So there are two service that is pretty important I guess. Ate a lot during the 3 days I was there. Had fun.

Finally the big incident happened on if I am not mistaken, Monday. Basically my house have been having lots of power disturbance like lights flickering as though there is not enough voltage. If I am right on Sunday when my mom switched on the fan, there was this terrible burnt smell of plastic or something rubber. Quickly we offed everything and try to pinpoint the smell. Seemed to be coming from the switches. On the next day when we came back I noticed a red/orange colour light coming from the main fuse beside the meter. I thought "Hmm I never notice that light before. Maybe it's suppose to show that there is voltage or something" and never really took notice of it.

Until my dad notice it and said that it was not suppose to be lit. And instantly my dad went and meddle with it and the so-called "light" came off and dropped on the floor. Turns out it's not a light or LED but rather it was heated wire. The wire was not fixed properly that there might be possible sparks generating between the wire and the place its suppose to be tightly connected to. So much sparks that the wire heated up to a red and amber colour. Meaning it was pretty hot that the wire actually melted when my dad meddle around with it. So we called the TNB people and got them to fix it. So far everything seems fine.

Super dangerous if you would imagine a family going out of town for a couple of days with this condition. The whole place would have burnt down or something. If I am not mistaken if it's heated more and more maybe the rubber coating or plastic cover or anything flammable might catch on fire. Seriously dangerous.

Holiday officially ended today. I sat on an early morning bus back to KL. Slept most of the way back. Pretty good sleep I guess since I stayed up quite late watching TV. I don't get the previlage to watch TV when I am here. So yeah it was worth it. More to write but this is getting too long.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Rubik's Cube...

Must stop playing my rubik's cube... Who would have thought a combination of 25 small cubes with 6 colours and a couple of guides and tries would make this so addictive. I just spend 3 - 4 hours playing around with it just now. Somehow I finally caught the idea of how to solve it. Thought I am not yet 100% sure.

Maybe it's my nature of being someone who likes routines, rules and perfection that makes the mere cube make of plastic and coloured by stickers be so much more addictive than the Epilogue mission I forgot to play in one of my PC games. I just can't stand the cube sitting there in it's stand unsolved. I have to make it all same color.... I must...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Weekends Over...

As predicted my weekend came and gone by faster that I can say the word "Weekend" itself. I spent the whole Saturday afternoon shopping and walking around buying unnecessary things. Oh I bought myself a Rubic's Cube (or Rubix). Always wanted to have one of that. Finally solved it for the first time just now at night. Pretty satisfying feeling.

Anyways after the shopping spree, my friends fetched me back to their place. Pretty neat place I would say. Not a big place but pretty homie and boy do they have lots of stuff to meddle around with. Nintendo Wii (sadly didn't get the chance / don't have the mood to play), a gaming laptop, my own Nintendo DS, so much... too much. Surprisingly when I have so much to choose from I don't have the mood to play. I ended up playing around with the laptop a while and was playing my DS before I went to bed. I guess I am getting too old for these stuffs... soon.

The party was OK I guess. A lot to eat but I am the shy type that I end up eating not as much as I am suppose to *ahem*. But it was fun seeing them playing with the games and stuff. The parents were very sporting indeed. The next day was pretty much a waste of time in their house. Watched Star Dust... again.... for me. But it was pretty good.

You know it's funny that I always thought people actually wakes up like 6am or 7am in their house. As in old people, parents, etc.; I always assume they wake up early. Maybe it's due to the fact that my parents do that like everyday. But seems like most people like to spend their weekends sleeping till later and waking up and relaxing which I think my parents should do once in a while! Anyways, got up pretty early, waited for the rest to wake up, then this guy, I didn't manage to ask who the heck that person was... I am assuming the brother or cousin or something, quite of age looking, but wakes up to watch cartoons on TV. Then later on the rest woke up. And ended up having brunch(I think) of leftovers from lastnight and waited till they going Cyberjaya so that I can catch a ride with them.

Quick and painless weekend I guess. Got my sweet phone. Everything is working fine. I finally manage to configure everything properly today. Including the EDGE and GPRS and MMS and all the crap and also including the software to transfer stuff to and from my PC. Everything is working fine.

Rubik's Cube is evil I tell you. It's somewhat awfully addictive to a certain point. Maybe it's just my nature of being someone who don't like something to be disorganized and "not solved". I ended up watching shows halfway and solving it a little and alternately doing so. Cause my hands... they just felt so itchy... can't stop solving...

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Weekend With My Phone...

Finally I am off the chains of the week days. This week really felt weird. I felt like I was tight up with nothing but air. Kinda hard to explain. But it's this feeling that you get when you know something bad is going to happen and your heart is already racing, you're breathing heavily, clenching your teeth trying to expect something bad to happen. Then the feeling was gone suddenly... Feels weird, feels like I am a paranoid freak.

Weekend is gonna be awesome. This week is my friend's birthday and the girlfriend is like throwing a small party. Sweettt... nah. Not the party. I am not a party guy. Plus it's not going to be one of those crazy party anyways. Sweettt.. cause I am going to see my new phone. Awesome. Finally found a way to actually get it from my friend. Else I wouldn't have know when to meet up and get it. Going to be great. Plus I think I will end up playing lots of games there or something. (Gamer fan's house... what to do)

Personally I don't like birthday parties. Mainly, as someone who is going to something like this I felt kinda bad not bringing anything. And there is like a whole lot of people. I'm not talking about this current party. I am just talking about the past parties and gatherings. After so long and people still don't get it that I am not comfortable with crowds and playing stupid games and doing stupid activities with them. Those so-called activities that just supposedly would gurrantee a more enjoyable party which usually backfires when it doesn't get the proper response from the people who are at the party.

I mean come on... once in a while you get the chance to hang out with people you like and please and comfortable with... you don't wanna be playing silly games. You want some time to catch up on stuff. Listen to people's amazing life stories. Telling lousy lame life stories. Lying about how OK you are. Whatever it may be, I really hate having those silly stuffs in parties and I will never get why they actually included them in parties in the first place.

Maybe that's just me, I don't know. Personally as someone who is pretty average anti-social lifestyle, the moment I get the chance to meet people I am comfortable with, all I wanna do is to catch up on stuff and I don't really care much about how the party is going. I guess I am more of a one to one person or one to a small group person. Oh well... better get ready.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Phone and Tablet

Those are the two things that have been lingering in my mind lately. Phone and tablet. First the phone. Finally after talking with my friend I finally got a good price and today she said my phone was in stock. Wow... now the only problem is getting it from her. Sigh.... so near yet so far. My new phone is going to be Sony Ericsson's W580i Walkman Phone. Sweeettt... The last couple of things I heard from her made me feel like walking there and taking it from her hahaha. She asked "Guess what I am doinggg...". Instantly what came into my mind was the phone have gotten into her hands. Bummer. Another few days before I can get my phone sigh. Paid already though. Hurts a little pressing the Confirm button on my Online Banking account. I am pretty sure it's all worth it.

Next would be a tablet. Lately I've been kinda inspired somehow to work on the artistic part of me. It's rusty I can assure you that. But I am trying my best to get it going again. Recently like I said I had an idea of what I wanted to draw just from having a couple of warmup sessions on paper. But when it got onto the PC, I had a hard time finding the right brush in Photoshop to actually draw the thing. Then it came to me that I wanted a tablet. Not now of course, since I just spent so much. Definately not now. But soon. Planning on getting a small one. Probably the new (not so new) Bamboo Fun by Wacom. According to some source it's been said that this will replace Graphire models. Not sure why or what is the difference. But I know I want one. It's gonna be hard to get use to drawing on a tablet though. Will try my best. Ahhh... I feel all excited already.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Having alternate working day and holiday seems so nice. After working for a day on Monday, today is a public holiday in Selangor. For some reason I felt that I am pretty productive today. Wow... me... productive. Doesn't sound right.

After getting a call yesterday from my old company asking me where should they mail my pay slips, I finally checked my account today and found out that my last pay check has been banked in. I guess that will help me a little with my expenditure this month.

Kinda felt weird waking up late this morning. But after getting up and stoning for a couple of hours, I finally decided to polish up the artistic part of me. For the past couple of weeks, my general art interest have been leaning towards whacky, crazy, funny comics. Generally, something like what you see on Sunday newspaper everyweek.

I have never done warmups before I draw. So basically I did some today by doodling and copying simple stick figures with action and basic shapes of cartoons and to my amazement it kinda helped me go through what I wanted to do today.

I wish I had a tablet or a scanner though. I think it would have made my life a little easier. After getting some general sketches of what I wanted, I straight away drew them in Photoshop. A big thick and jagged though. If I had a tablet I think the lines would have been much smoother. All and all it was successful and I have practically colored probably halfway through. Took me around a couple of hours from start to end. Had to stop when my brain stop working from lack of food in my stomach.

Oh well pretty happy about today. Sigh, I guess back to work tomorrow. Not so happy about that. Wish it was already next week. Then I can go on a holiday again.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Wasted Sunday...

What a slow wasted Sunday. I don't know why I had this urge to try and make a little facelift for the blog. I guess I was just too free. In fact I was finding ways to custom edit the stuffs on the blog. Sadly from the looks of what was behind all this got me a big headache. I officially declare myself hating widgets. I don't understand why they call this "easy" compared to plain old coding. I felt restrained. And I don't like it.

After wasting a couple of hours of trying to read up on widgets, I failed to do any scratch to the blog and finally gave up and find alternatives. It seems most blogging sites don't offer the freedom to manipulate the codes behind the blogs. There are some that just let you manipulate themes and nothing more. Wordpress seems nice but then again if I were to use Wordpress source codes I need my own hosting... I don't think I am that serious yet. Honestly the matter drove me nutz the whole day. And finally I ended up reading some tutorials in doing blog from scratch. A simple one in fact that didn't need coding at all. I know I know... I need hosting for this as well but then I wouldn't say I wanna use it anyways. I guess I just want to feel a certain sense of making my wasted couple of hours worth while. Didn't finish it though. Very long instructions. Oh well...

After all these things, again I found constradictions in myself. I would picture myself as someone who likes routines, I like to be told what to do exactly and rather do the doing part rather than the thinking part. A pawn you might say. But then again when it comes to situation like this, I felt restrained. Unable to change this and that according to my will. Am I a Pawn or am I a King? Though the DIY blog was simple and with the mere use of Apache Server-PHP-MySQL package installer and Macromedia Dreamweaver I was able to simply create one without any effort at all ... except for the reading and finding the correct button part. Then again I felt very irritated but the excessive amount of useless codes behind the blog. You see when you create a project with templates and stuff in Dreamweaver they seem to have a standard that it needs to follow thus creating certain files that are not needed at all. All in all it's messy and full of redundant parts. I wish I could have the patience to explore more and make a completely fully-handcoded one. That would satisfy me.

I guess I won't be giving my blog a facelift after all. Just too troublesome. Unless someone is gonna teach me how, I don't think I can work around with the stupid widgets. Up next, whacky cartoons. Yes yes I am starting to feel like those say-alot-do-very-little people. Hah... I notice that. But what to do? I am a person who easily get bored.


Just a quickie before I go to bed. Went for my usual trip out today and everything was just fine. Until, the trip back when the bus driver trying to be a punk or just plain dumb. On the way back home, two international students, girls, got on at the Tesco bus stop. I was reading my magazine, ignoring everything around me but still keeping myself fully aware of what is happening around me. One of the girl dropped in a RM5 note and got two tickets (each one is suppose to cost RM2) and expected change so she asked "Change?" and I don't know whether it was a bad day or the driver was busy chatting with his girlfriend or whoever that lady sitting behind him is but he replied shouting "Can wait? Cannot wait? Cannot wait gimme back those tickets". I was like WTF. But then again I don't want matters to go worse I just ignore it and continue reading my magazine. Somehow I got lost here. Something happened. Maybe the girls heard only the "...gimme back the tickets" part or something... they said "OK". Uh-oh baddddd... I was expecting them to say "OK we wait for the change" but instead now it's "OK I give you the tickets and I am stopping now". So the driver actually stopped the bus at the next stop and demanded the tickets and tried to fish the RM5 back out and asked the girls to go down. A bit over reacting don't you think? But anyhow all in all long story short, they wasted RM1 since they just don't care anymore and wanted to go home they just said "It's OK" and the journey continued like after a couple of minutes. What a waste of time.

Then some foreign workers come in when we reached Cyberjaya and it suddenly came up in my mind the thing I have been meaning to ask. Where the heck did they get those t-shirts? You see it's been numerous time that I have seen foregin workers with MMU's faculties, clubs and events t-shirts. I am serious. I even saw a Cyber Christmas t-shirt worn by them before (lost mine before, think wore it like once, maybe one of them? hmmm) and a few MMU related t-shirts. Weird...

Finally a few ideas came to me today, one of it is, being so kiasu (scared of losing) I am thinking of a total revamp of the site or actually more of a facelift? The articles in the magazine kinda caught my attention. They look interesting. Wonder if I can make a blog look like a newspaper or magazine article. Hmmm... with columns, pictures and stuff. Oh well, time will tell.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Memories of P.E.

Ahhh what a busy week (not) I didn't get to even write anything. I guess there is no hurry since no one is reading this anyways. Hah. Anyways, little update doesn't hurt. Work is moderately busy, been sick for the past couple of days. Been having dry cough and phlegm. I can actually cough till my phlegm is brown colored showing that my throat is tearing apart from all the coughing. Most probably an infection in the throat like last time too. Who knows? Since I didn't actually go to a doctor in the end. But after two or three days of superbly early and long bedtime, it subsided and now I only cough once in a while. Goodie.

I am trying to keep all my post short but somehow after finish writing something there always seem to be something more to write. No my dear that is not passion of writing so don't give me that reason hah. I guess there is just so much in my mind lately. Every little detail leads to another new thing and the new thing seems to lead to another new thing and the next thing you know it's almost a whole chapter.

Anyways I was washing my laundry just now and I suddenly recalled my schooling time during the P.E. periods. For someone who don't do sports that much (at all currently!) I am pretty surprised I kinda missed it, especially during my secondary school times. I remembered that we had two P.E. teachers who took turned to torture take care of us. If I remember correctly one of them was the coach for the state or national football team. Don't remember which. But yeah...

The only thing in the mind of the whole bunch of us all the time when it's time for P.E. is football. I don't know why but that was always in the mind. The moment we reached the field, those who are really very serious about it will actually straight go to the store and get all the footballs out. And like every rash attempts, we end up being scolded cause according to the teacher we AREN'T playing football that day. LOL.

I still remember all the torturous interesting activities we get to do during P.E. One of it is running. Yes plain old running. Because the school is in a plot of land surrounded by roads on all four sides, we were fortunate enough to have walkway at the side. It's also used for Taekwondo grading test, but that's another story. Anyways there was this one day the teacher said run one lap around the school and we get to play football. Everyone's eyes shone with enthusiasm and when the whistle was blown everyone ran like a mad dog and finish it pretty fast if I remembered. Everyone was huffing and puffing. Then the teacher said "Good, now this time run under 15minutes" and blew the whistle. I still can remember the shocked face in all of us.

Besides football, there were quite a few sports that the teacher always like to torture us with... cause it's his favorites. One was rugby and another was volleyball. Yes for someone like me I actually played both of it as well. Rugby of course we didn't go and tackle the living shit out of our friends but a mere touch rugby, meaning if you touch the guy holding the ball the guy have to pass it. That's the basic idea. Pretty interesting.

Next come his I suppose personal favorite, Volleyball. I got beaten in the hand before when I was playing this hahaha. With a stick. On my arm. We were learning to do a forearm pass or bump or dig or whatever it was called. So basically we always come into contact with the ball at the wrong position of the hand and he will get a stick and hit us (not hard by the way) on our forearm and tell us "You see this red spot? That is where you are suppose to hit the ball with". Ouch.

OK I promise this is the last paragraph. Besides this we actually have "unofficial games" that we play during our Moral Studies. Yes we play around during a couple of the Moral Study sessions cause the teachers are too busy. I won't explain all cause that is another post. But one of it is something like futsal. But we played it with either a tennis ball or a fruit which translated from hokkien is called "Rat Fruit". Its a smooth on the outside but fibrous on the inside fruit that supposedly if you cut in half and put in your house it can chase away rats. Never tried before. But the trees are around the school so we got a good supply of it. And I remember they.... yes I don't join them in this kind of stuff. Too risky for my reputation at school. That's another story. Anyways I remember they always get caught by the ferocious Math teacher who will check their backs, if they are sweating like pigs, confirmed that they were actually playing in the hall and will smack them with a textbook on their backs and ask them to stay outside till they are dry hahaha. Ahh those were the days.

Monday, December 3, 2007


Tonight I feel a bit lonely, reminds me of the thoughts I had when I was in One Utama last weekend. It's already December and everyone is getting ready with the decorations and stuff. I don't know why, call me a Grinch but I kinda don't really like Christmas that much. Reminds me a lot of how happy everyone is and how miserable I am. Hah.

That day was a Sunday. There were a lot of people. Parents and kids waking up early and going out together for early breakfast at the shop selling overpriced nyonya delicacies. Yet it still bothers me that there is a line there waiting to give their orders and pay for the kuih they took. Worst still I was in the line carrying a small portion of Bihun Siam wrapped in banana leaves and ordering a cup of coffee. What a disgrace...

As I was munching down my food I see lots of happy faces passing by me. I felt a little uneasy. the feeling I had, how should I explain it. Well imagine kids holding hands with their parents smiling, enjoying themselves, the sense of having a great time with someone close. Everything is all white, bright and dreamy. And there right next to the nyonya delicacy shop, there is this table, sat a man, alone, all dark and gloomy, couldn't move an inch, no, in some ways he didn't dare to move. He fears that any slight mistakes he did would ruin the happiness around him... he fears that one day his hands might move by themselves and grab hold of someone smiling happily... a kid and snap the poor kid into two... OK my story is getting sick.

But then I did sense a hint of hatred and jealousy and disappointment. At the same time I was quite comfortable being alone. Being the shadows among men. If not for the light men wouldn't know that they have shadows. Anyways OK I didn't think of snapping the kid into two but then there is always this impression that everyone is walking in slow motion, happily and you are the only one in normal speed, grinding on your own teeth and biting your lips seeing all the happiness hahaha. Maybe that's just me.

"what is human? — nothing but a being of malice and misery"
Malice Mizer

Memories of School...

There seem to be a lot of stuff in my mind just now but now I can't think of any. Funny... feels like my mind is making me look like a fool or something. Oh yeah, went dinner just now at the new place. There is this set of buildings that had this "Coming Soon" sign since for ages, a year or two before my graduation it was already there. So roughly a couple of years already and it wasn't open until a couple months ago. Decided to look around there. Found out there is a Max Kitchen there. Surprised by it. Judging from the lettering and stuff it looks like the same Max Kitchen I keep encountering in food blogs everywhere. Suppose to be pretty good. Then again it's not my kinda place. Probably once every year or something I MIGHT go to that kind of place but then... too modern-adult-ish place. Bleh.

I guess it's a good time to recall my past again. School, looking through my nephew's homework given by the kindergarten teacher kinda reminds me of the time when I was in kindergarten. Seriously, the level is so so much different compared to my time. They are doing subtraction, addition, counting up to high numbers, English, Malay, Chinese languages, Science! and a lot more. All I ever remember about my kindergarten is my nice Indian teacher. Wonder if she is still around. Should be pretty old by now. She used to sit at the desk, taking tonnes and tonnes of paper and stamping cute figures on the paper and letting us color them. Yup, that's seriously the only thing I remembered about kindergarten... coloring stamped figures. I do remember counting and ABC and stuff but not that advance compared to my nephew's.

I had friends there surprisingly. But then again mixing with them were practically just left at school/kindergarten. Anything after school usually relates to my family or study. I don't mix much outside of school. Probably cause I never really ride my bike around like I am suppose to. Probably I was already slowly developing my anti-social attitude without me realizing it.

I remember my dad used to be very furious that I refused to greet people and say thank you. Hah. I am OK with my friends and classmates. They are nice and surprisingly we mixed a lot and we didn't bother who is Chinese who is Indian or who is Malay (although I recall mixing a lot of Malays during my secondary school since most Chinese at that time were from Chinese school and I can't speak mandarin at all *ahem*). But right as the school bell rings every ties I have just breaks and I am back at home, doing my work, watching my TV, kitchen with mom, gardening with mom, jogging with dad, whacked by dad (LOL), etc.

I have to admit school times were great. Though I wish I was more active though. A little regret. Could have gone to more camps during my primary school Scout's activities. Could have gone to more tournaments during my secondary school Taekwondo years. But all have passed and I don't think I should regret too much about it. I missed the competitive nature of school at that time. Not to say I am smart or anything *ahem* I guess I was kinda "forced" to be smart by my parents. Hahaha. And not to mention my school rivals. Ughhh... always fighting over who is top student in the class Hahaha.

There is only a few very tough challengers around. I remember during my primary school there were like 2 - 3 girls and 2 - 3 guys. So basically we fight around for higher grades. Hmmm... why do I sound like a nerd hahaha. But it was fun, the joy of bringing back my report card to show my results and not have to "fixed" them *ahem* hahaha. I admit I did it once. That's all.

I remember I failed once. My history test. I am pretty sure I pass the rest if not A's and B's *bragging* hahaah. But I can slowly see my mind is deteriorating or something. Primary school I was excellent, secondary school my parents start giving me the "At least you got a B" talks and in University I get the "At least you passed" talks. It's not something to be proud of. I wish I could have done better. Makes me feel like the black sheep of the family. My brother and sister were good during they later years but I am the only one who deteriorate. Study too much maybe?

I am sure it's not that since I only study like an hour a day. Then later on if I am not mistaken 2 hours... at most. I can't study very long. Lack of attention. I will start looking under my table, sharpen my pencil, drink water, bla bla bla. But I guess that helped a lot somehow. Wish I could have done better especially during my University years. Life full of regrets. Hahaha no fun at all.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Growing Up...

My roomie's shocking (not so) news about shifting have made me think more about my expenditure for the past few days. Initially I was and am still deciding to take the room for myself. Then again, the rent is a little steep. Assuming I am unable to reduce it somehow, I feel that I have to sacrifice a lot every month just to save a couple of hundred bucks. I guess that is just part of growing up and ascending to the next phase of my life.

Well, I manage to get a rough estimation of how much I save per month, roughly, RM500. Is that a lot? I don't know. I wonder how much people save a month. Hmmm... Anyways, I made a couple of assumptions to get that figure that includes a couple of sacrifices and excluding luxuries that might cause a bit more once in a while.

I assume that everyday I would be eating RM15, which is not really true since I on average only consume roughly around RM10. But I am counting worst case scenario here. Besides that I minus out RM420 for rent (yes that is why I said it's steep, ouch, but anything for the chicks ROFL... kidding). RM100 for my bills (doubt it reach that much). Thinking of changing to prepaid which would save me a lot. This assumption is based on RM50 for Utilities and RM50 for phone bills. Besides that I am assuming I am going out for fun every twice a month, which includes movies (RM20 for two movies a month), transport (RM6 per month), extra food expenditure and other monthly food stuff like fruits and coffee (RM150).

That is what I am currently paying. Still, embarrassingly, I have to admit I haven't been paying my parents that much yet and it have been going on and off without any stability the past year since the pay for old job was not fixed. But I am expecting myself to be paying RM200 each month to them... hopefully. They won't ask for it but yeah the silence is like small sharp knives poking me from the back. I feel the pressure and guilt hahaha. Anyways that is it. From all that I assume I am getting roughly RM500 a month to save. Wonder if that is a good figure. Hmmm... I haven't include insurance which I might get in the future.

There is just so much in my mind right now, budget, work, life, physical health, mental health(LOL) and much more. And honestly it's been bugging me a lot lately. To tell you the truth, I am not the kind of person who likes to plan for the future that much. I mean sure I do think a lot and plan a lot. But usually it's about things that are probably around a month before at most. I don't really think about am I going to be working on the same job in the next 10 years, am I planning to have a family in a couple of years time, you get the picture. I know these things are important to me around this time of life but it doesn't seem to bother me at the moment.

Somehow, lately it's been clear to me that I am always in the middle of everything and never able to or want to in some cases, to take any sides of matters. Friends, there is never a so-so friend around me and there is also never a good friend around me that is very close to me. The way I think, I am someone who is very analytical and likes to think and plan a lot to ensure that everything goes on well but at the same time I am someone who likes a life of freedom and a spontaneous lifestyle. I like math when I was in school but as a hobby I am kinda interested in art. But was never excel in any side. I consider myself to be obsessive compulsive at times but from the looks of my room I don't think so. I also consider myself to be in constant sadness and disappointment but somehow I dislike big crowds and refuse to mix around when I have the chance. You can't say I totally suck at what I do, but you can't say I excel in anything at all. I can't think of anything that would represent me well enough to make it such that when my name is mentioned the first thing that comes to mind would be THAT. You can say I am a walking contradiction or rather the moderate-on-the-fence-oh-I-don't-know-which-side-to-drop-on guy.

To be honest I am a little sick of this. It's been bugging me for a while. I don't like it. I would rather sacrifice being not good at something and excel on another. I would assume my life would be much clearer that way. In truth I know anything and I know none. I have to admit it's kinda frustrating. It's a bit hard to explain how it feels like. It's like you pick a pencil, you know you have the motivation to draw out something, the idea is there, mojo is working, but somehow nothing good ever comes out on the paper... if it actually comes out at all! Seriously I need guidance.

I seem to always have two sides of things. I like artistic stuff and at the same time I like analytical stuff. I like objective straight-in-the-face stuff I also like subjective abstract stuff. I am starting to feel frustrated about my life. I am hoping for one of the path in my life to shine just a little to show me that that is the way home. Life is just meaningless without a shiny route that calls to you to come home with a little meaning with you.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Shopping List...

Recently I have compiled a list... probably a moderate length... containing things I plan to buy in the duration of the next few months... hopefully. For some reason I felt that my life will be more complete with the presence of these items in my room. Oh yeah before that, a couple of updates, recently my long lost roommate decided that it's time that he quit this room. I don't blame him. I would have personally asked him to leave this room if it didn't sound so cruel and as though I was chasing him out. So far I haven't seen him for like a couple of months. In the beginning I only see him around Tuesday, Wednesday and maybe Thursday. Other days, he is either in his own home or in class or out with friends. I kinda felt that he is really wasting his money renting part of this room. So basically he finally said he wanted to shift out like a day ago. Basically that leads to two possibilities, either I have the room to myself for double the price I am paying now or I get a new roommate. Right now I am thinking of having the room to myself. Still in the thinking stage though. Oh yeah and today, it is my first time having chee cheong fun (rice flour batter sheets that are usually rolled up like a swiss roll and cut and served with sweet and also chili sauce) with the yong tau foo (lazy to explain what this is) stuffs. I am speechless. After 24 years I have finally tasted chee cheong fun HAH.

OK back to the main topic my shopping list ... and the reason why I want it.
  • Phone (SE W580) - My phone have been getting crankier each day. The keypads are getting hard to press, the software is lagging and recently I am having problem with the charger. Definitely will buy it as soon as possible. Already gotten a great deal from a friend. Although there were some people saying that I don't need the phone cause I don't call them *ahem*
  • Ikea Table Top - Planning to replace the table top that I got along with the legs from some friends. The original table top is already sunk in the middle to the extent that it might be mistaken by me as an old aunty with a bad back. Definitely a good investment for MY room. Will put it near my bed and use it for writing, drawing and placing my meals.
  • Dustbin - Nothing to talk about. I need one. Been putting an empty plastic back on the floor and filling it with junk from evening till the next morning and taking it out when I am going out for work. Though I still can do without the bin.
  • A tablet - OK, this is not a needed item but more of something I wanted for a very long time. Something to help with be more serious about my hobbies with arts and stuff. Definitely can do without.
  • Inking / Felt Pen with a bottle of ink - Something I have always wanted to try. Been using a lot of pens but non could provide me the variation of line thickness and I kinda like how the line starts and ends. Kinda goes from thin to thick and then back to thin. Know what I mean? Feels more natural that way.
  • All-in-One Printer - I need a printer since I left the old one in the old house. And since I am buying one I might want to buy a multi-purpose type where I can scan stuff into my PC.
  • Ironing board - I just recently bought an iron but have been ironing on a piece of thick cotton blanket lined with a smooth cloth. Sounds weird? Well my mom used to do that and sits on the floor instead of having to stand. Not something I need badly though. Heck I haven't check whether this house has one or not. I better go and check later.
  • Pillow and pillow case - I can say my current pillow has turned to mush and it smells. Though I am kinda used to it, I want a new one soon. Need the extra pillow case for the old pillow. I still want it. Not going to throw that away!
  • Extra bedsheets - I have been having the two pairs of bedsheets since I came to study. So it's easily passed 4 or 5 years. Need to replace them badly.
  • Socks - What is there to say? I need extra socks for work.
  • Backpack - Planning to get a new backpack. A bigger one to be exact. My mom mentioned it before that I should buy one since I have been using it a lot when I go back home. You see for this short period of time I am pretty lazy to actually carry one of those huge luggage bag I have. That's all to it.
  • Bowl - Up till now I never own one before. Yes you heard me. It's true. I never had my own bowl here. Hah.
  • Fork and Spoon - Lost them. Need a pair.
  • Wiping Cloth - Need some for different purposes. Dry wipe, wet wipe, for drying stuff, etc.
  • Fluorescent Lamp - For my bathroom. Been showering in the dark for far too long.
  • Umbrella - It's the rainy season and I definitely need one. I've always had this believe that it will never rain when I am going somewhere. At most it's going to be cloudy. And one day the sky proved me wrong HAH. Had to use my jacket so that I don't look like I am wearing a polka-dot shirt to work.
I guess that's about it. Some are needs some are luxuries. Just too lazy to divide them. So far that is all I can think of. I could have added a lot of gadgets and stuff in there but ... nahhh those are 100% luxuries. I can still live without it. I guess that is it for today. If I write anymore about my old memories it's going to be another long post, so I better not.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Random Old Memories...

So basically the boring stuffs are over. Now for the goodies. Recently, whenever I remember or recall something in the present time it somehow leads me to old memories related to the particular thing I was trying to recall.

The fork and spoon thing, reminds me of my very very very old childhood life. Now that I mention this, to tell you the truth I don't actually remember my childhood life during the time when I was 1 year old to 3 years old. I only have a good memory of myself when I am 4 years old and older. I mean I had pictures of myself when I was 1 to 3 years old but I don't recall them very much. Especially the one with the birthday cake when I was 2 years old.

Now many don't know this but when I was a baby I couldn't stand when I reach 2 years old. My parents got pretty worried and they asked a doctor to check but there really is nothing wrong with me. Soon around 2 years plus I actually did stand and walk. Weird huh?

Hmm... what else. When I think about childhood times the most famous food that I can think of is instant noodles. Yes I was already eating instant noodles at that time. I remembered I had this deep plate that looks like a cross between a plate and a bowl. Red on the outside surface and white on the inside. I always have my noodles in that. Then I would be sitting on the table ... yes you heard me on the table and eating noodles with a tiny fork. Then I kind of advanced pretty fast and used chopsticks at a pretty young age hah. The chopsticks was dark brown with designs on the upper part of the chopsticks. Yes I still remember how they looked like.

Next thing would be my eating habit. According to my mom, not me, my mom... I stop liquid or milk diet at a very young age. I ate rice and solids roughly around 2 or 3 I think. Of course it started with porridge and stuff but yeah I went on to eat rice after that. Of course I still have my daily dose of the bottle during the afternoons. I would have this favourite mattress. It's thin, homemade mattress with a comfortable soft batik-designed cover. And I would have my naps and also have my bottle of milk on it. Heck I even bring it to my baby-sitter's place.

Yes I had a baby-sitter. More like a guardian actually. You see my dad used to teach in the morning, he teaches morning classes and my mom used to teach afternoon till evening. So there will be this particular period of time when I will be all by myself at home (excluding my brother and sister, they are busy with school and stuff) and basically it's best that I stay with the guardian during that period of time. So my daily routine would be to be at home for the morning part of the day and when my mom is going to school she would drop me at the aunty's place which is roughly around 100 meters aways or so and basically I would stay there till when my dad is free or evening when my mom comes home. Later on when I was in kindergarten I started my day at the kindergarten and my dad would fetch me to the guardian and I would stay there till evening sometimes.

Usually I bring food there. My mom would give me a box of the particular day's dishes and rice and I would bring it there to eat. On occasion I get to taste the aunty's cooking. The most memorable would be her fried rice. God it was black. Hahaha, seriously I think she got her dark soy sauce for free or something, it's almost a dark brown. Nevertheless it tasted great. Grains were dry and each grain is coated evenly and they don't stick to each other and stuff. Emm...

My mom used to cook during the weekends and evening. For the day time we usually catered. I remembered one dish from the caterer, the famous Lala (a type of shellfish) cooked with small chilies. Emmmm... tasty. Well basically that's the only thing I remembered about the catered food. And oh yea my family hated it cause at one time I don't know why but there is always the frequent appearance of ikan bilis and peanuts cooked in sweet spicy sauce thing. I got sick of it. But it was not bad. Just don't like having it too many times.

Lastly my mom's cooking. Not the best in the world or anything extra special. But they are just too darn tasty. There is just too many dish I can recall that tasted great that it would fill another full post just by naming them. OK fine I will name a few. I remember all the spicy dish, kangkung or okra fried with sambal belacan, sambal belacan and lime dip, sambal salted fish, curry chicken, dark soy chicken with herbs, tom yam, baked beans with assorted stuff (I don't know what to call it), ju hu char (a hokkien dish which literally means stir fry dry squid strips, though it's mainly consist of jicama or sengkuang, carrots, onions and mushrooms cut into thin strips and cooked with dried squid strips, chicken meat and prawn, mainly it looks like popiah filling) and also the original fried fish coated with tamarind and stuffed with paste consisting of turmeric as the main ingredient (originally if I am not mistaken this dish originated from a dish where fish is stuffed with sambal not turmeric). That is just to name a FEW of the dishes I can recall.

These are just cooked dishes, I haven't got to pastries and cookies and cakes. Hmmm... but I guess everyone get the picture now. Well I should stop here. This is basically the food part of my old memories of home. Sigh how I wish I could taste them again or better yet learn to cook them myself. Nowadays my mom don't get a chance to cook this kind of stuff since the whole family is staying in an apartment so it's not a good idea to cook oily frying type of food unless you want to spend the rest of the day cleaning the whole house.

I remember I used to hang out in the kitchen a lot. When I was not in school and my mom is at home she would be preparing food in the kitchen and I would be there to help with easy task like peeling onions and potatoes, make sambal belacan with a mortar and pestle (that was a freaking hard work... and painful for the eyes too), stir the pots and wok while my mom prepares the ingredients, shell prawns, fry omelette's and a lot more actually. Yup I liked to help in the kitchen. If it's not for my IT-related interest, my dad and aunt used to say I could become a chef... or so they say.

I guess this post is getting too long... I better stop. There is just too much memories that we don't cherish at times just cause they were normal and uninteresting compared to the time I probably did sky diving and the time I might have almost died. Then again thinking back to this normal times, I felt that somehow I missed it very much and how I wish I could go through it all over again. It's just amazing how much I recall from a simple thing as a fork and spoon. I could have written tonnes of post with just the food part of my memories. I guess I should stop now. Seriously I should stop babbling all the time. Must learn how to control and arrange my post. Hah.

Work - Day 4 to 8

OK... so I didn't live up to my own expectation of updating every working day. Today is practically day 8 and I am going to cheat and write for the rest of the 5 days together. It's not like I want to but there really isn't much to write about actually. Plus I admit, I am lazy. Hah.

So the past few days my tasks hasn't been that exciting or challenging yet. For some reason all the projects are currently properly distributed to all the rest and well, lets just say if I didn't do anything for a day, they wouldn't know. Hah. Of course I don't want to risk myself getting fired for challenging myself in such a manner. Basically my daily routines consist of going to work, check-in, read a couple of articles of news online, have breakfast, once I get bored I start asking for jobs, have lunch, continue doing my work, tea time and finally go back home. Sounds kind of boring huh? Well I don't actually have tea, the rest had tea but then again when you see others doing that you won't have the mood to do your work anymore.

My task currently consist of just checking for errors and making sure I fix them if possible. Simple as that. Since I don't have a specific module to work on yet. Life have been pretty boring I guess but somehow I still feel that time passed pretty fast. I guess that's good.

Today is special in a way I guess. I finally got my pay. My first pay! Tomorrow I will be getting my pay slip, so I heard. I guess I am pretty happy. Now all I have to do is wait for my OTHER pay to come in. Yup, pay from my old job. It's not going to be much since I work for like 3 to 4 days only that time. Probably I will be low on cash this month. Thank God I saved. I will be getting full pay next month. Nice.

I think I overspent during the weekend. Not a really smart move by me in a situation where I am not getting full pay yet. On Saturday I went out and spend roughly RM200 or more. Well it's not a normal weekend expenditure so it's OK. I watched a movie which by the way sucked, Beowulf. I am OK with the animation and all, but somehow it felt kind of corny and lame and not exciting (I am sure they tried their best). Somehow I came home feeling regret and thought that I would be better off watching Hitman. Anyways back to the story, besides that I finally saw the game I was looking for on the window of the shop. I grabbed it for RM159 (Ouch). But all I have to say Call of Duty 4 was totally worth it. Believe me, my mouth was stuck opened during the weekend on how great the game felt. But that's another story for a another day. I also ended up buying a clock for RM40.

Funny thing about the clock is it made me realize something. There are tonnes of stuff I wanted to buy recently to make my life a little better here all alone and all. They are really simple everyday stuffs like for example, fork and spoon, clock and a sewing kit. Just take these three items. Simple everyday items, but darn they are actually hard to find in the beginning.

I lost my fork and spoon in the first house I rented I think. It's during one of those parties they have where you bring your own cutleries and stuff and it somehow got stuck in someone's house. I don't know who. My fork and spoon went M.I.A. So I have been trying to find a good pair since I always forget to ask my mom for another pair whenever I get back home. Hey who ever thinks about these things when you're at home right? By the way I have yet to find a fork and spoon. Note the important point of the sentence before this. A fork and A spoon. It's hard to find cheap, decent looking pair of fork and spoon. It either comes very expensive single heavy pairs or cheap 10 billion forks and 10 billion spoons in a bag, which I don't need. I just one pair. Nothing more nothing less. So basically in the end, I am reusing plastic forks and spoons I get when I take away food from shops.

Next is my clock. Now the new clock cost me RM40 plus but the real amount I spend on it is around RM50. Why? Well it started off with the old clock not working one night. In fact, I remember it was the night before the first day at my new job. So to cover all bases, I set my phone alarm and also my NDS alarm. Then when I manage to get myself some batteries to replace the old ones (I thought it ran out of battery), it still doesn't work! I was like what the ... It's really frustrating at that time cause I bought the batteries at a very expensive price since I had no choice and it's not working. So I had to get a new clock instead. Then it suddenly came into my mind, where do I get a cheap decent clock? I know you're going to say a watch/clock shop but I seldom go buy a new clock all the time and it slipped my mind. I had to go around looking for it. There are even some watch shops that only sell watches, hence the name a watch shop. But finally I found one somewhere, not much choice, so I just picked one that seemed not so expensive.

Lastly sewing kits. Those things are hard to find. Seriously I don't even know under which category of the supermarket should I go to to find this. Since someone suggested I find it in Watsons, I will try to find it there next weekend. Oh and by the way, I lost my custom-compiled-by-mom set of sewing kit somewhere along the numerous times I shifted from one house to another. She is going to kill me. Lets just keep this to ourselves. *Ahem*

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Work - Day 3

I have reached day 3 of my work. Today, being the nervous guy I am, I was preparing for the people to give me a hard day. Instead, I didn't get to do anything today. Surprised but somehow part of me felt relief somehow... and most of the time I felt bored. That's for sure. I think I have read more newspaper articles compared to the past couple of years put together. Hah.

I still feel awkward there. Part of the reason may be because I am new there and I haven't got the feel for the place yet. Another part of the reason would be for some reason I am placed by chance at the wrong spot. I am work mostly on programs and the place I sit is filled with people who work with graphics. Same thing happened when I was having internship there. What a coincidence. Probably that is why I feel much closer to the people working with graphics compared to the programmers. Graphic/Multimedia designers are much easier to socialize with compared to programmers who usually keep to their own group most of the time or themselves in some cases *ahem*.

Today I am proud to say I have yet again manage to spend only RM10. I guess I am saving as much as I can and keep it for a better tomorrow or spend it on a phone maybe. Hah. This probably won't happen for very long cause during the weekends I would probably be spending a lot to buy supplies for the week. Can't wait to find out how much I spend.

Hmmm how I feel today. Mainly the whole time during work I was bored, cautious and I felt a lot of tension waiting for maybe a surprise job that I need to finish off before I leave today. But I guess when the clock strike 5.30pm the feeling disappeared. Instead now I have the same feeling as though I am tremendously lacking in social life. For that I doubt there is anyone to blame. I guess somehow during my transition to my current life style I have lost contact with a lot of people... OK fine... it's all of them. Now I am saying this with respect to face to face socializing and not in front of the PC or anything. Seriously I haven't met up with anyone for quite some time and somehow it's beginning to make me worry.

And I do realize I am spending less and less time chatting on instant messengers. In a bad way I suppose. At least last time I could say "Hey I still keep in touch with them online", but now I have none. Sigh I wish people would contact me and for me to contact them
more often. Feeling kind of lonely. Oh well time to sleep it off.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Work - Day 2

Everything seems to be fine. Even though I had some problem sleeping the night before I manage to wake up feeling fresh after a cup of coffee. I manage to get ready and reach there early in the morning and got my ancient PC to start and get ready to face what is to come today.

In the beginning I really wished that I didn't have anything to do today since I am pretty much not in the mood to do anything and preferred to waste my time doing nothing and reading newspaper and chatting the whole day. Yes that was my intention. But then again I don't know why but I got this feeling that people there aren't going to let me go so easily. So around 9am as expected, a colleague drop by my workplace and told me that there is going to be a meeting later on and he might want me to join in and probably assign me something to do.

No problem with me actually. I was pretty pumped, nervous and well I had mixed feeling but doing something is better than doing nothing so I guess I was pretty happy about it. So the meeting started and everything was fine. Discussing about project progress and stuff. Though I think I didn't understand most of the stuff that they said. After it ended immediately I was assigned to do some easy task (I think). Just as I was about to start, another colleague came. Now this lady is the person was my supervisor when I was doing my internship. Anyhow, she also want me to help her out with some stuff. So basically they just agree that I help her since her project is due today.

Task was pretty simple, just rename some variables in a source code and edit some stuff regarding the color theme and do some testing to see whether the pages worked. Now the first two stuff was easy. Took me a while to get use to the code and also the stupid PC but then I manage to go through it smoothly after that. Then came the testing which kind of pissed me off cause I think that is what took me so long that I actually went back more than an hour later than I am suppose to.

This is not my codes and I am not complaining or anything but seriously it was darn messy and I find it pretty hard to track down the problems. God knows how many times I went back to her for confirmation on certain issues with the code. Secondly, I have to say I am not familiar with it, I just jumped on it today and it's hard to understand how everything worked and so on. All and all it became tiring and frustrating in the end. Most of the problem I had was pretty stupid and could have been avoided if they would stop freaking copy-paste every living crap out of examples and stuff. Everything was not in-order and the indentations were horribly done. But since it's my job I just suck it up and did it.

Was having problems with some variable that just didn't want to get a value. In fact I didn't even know where the variable came from. But I guess you can say it was a miracle, at the very end I manage to find the dumb problem in the code and manage to pass the value onwards. I feel so geeky talking like this. This will be the last I guess. Wish I could come back early just now to do some laundry. Sigh. I guess I have to wait till tomorrow then. Oh yeah and I am proud to say I spend less than RM10 today.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Sunday Bluez...

Haven't write for quite a while. Partly I was too busy partly I just didn't feel like writing. I don't know you decide. I guess a little update on what's going on is necessary. I put my resignation letter on the 9th last month (October) and after cutting out my oh-so-a-lot of annual leaves, I manage to cut short my one month notice and was able to stop working on 25th last month. That was the initial plan but being the caring person that I am *ahem* I decided to work for the company during the public holiday on 7th to 9th this month... and have a long break before I do that. I started my holiday on 21st last month and was on holiday till 7th, worked for 3 days and then another week of break before my new job.

Spent around 2 days here before leaving for home. I didn't want to waste time as there were tonnes to do at home. I sure missed my family. For the past couple of days before I go back I dreamed about my family a lot. Everytime I sleep. I had a relaxing a week or so of holiday with my family. Sadly to say this was only the icing on top of a garbage pile waiting to surprise me. For some reason my dad felt like going to visit my brother in Singapore since I was around. Guess when is it? Correct... 7th till 11th. Which is roughly around the time I had to go back to the old company and work. BAM! Straight in the face. Ugh I really regret being nice. Seriously. But since I already promise them I didn't go for the Singapore trip. Sad case.

The one week plus went by superbly fast and I was back in Cyberjaya. Worked for the 3 days in the old company. Didn't feel fatigue or tired or bored. 3 days went by in a breeze and I broke away from the company for good (except I have to go take my last pay check this end of the month). Anyhow, I had another week or so of holiday before I start my new job.

Started to feel the pressure. I felt that I was a little rusty and started reading some books regarding my new job. I guess it was a way for me to feel a bit more comfortable and confident about the new post I am taking (though I doubt I learned anything). So last Friday I went to report myself at the HR and went to the new place to work... or rather sit there doing nothing for the rest of the day. They provided me with a PC and a place; met a few familiar faces there and basically that's about it for the whole day. Thank God it was Friday. That leads to two sucky weekends which is yesterday and today.

I was already very excited and can't wait to watch Beowulf. It premiered on Thursday and I was getting excited and decided to watch on this weekend. Sadly to say, to my surprise, I couldn't get myself to go. I don't know why. I was disturbed by something for the past two nights. I felt lonely again. You know those moments where you just felt that tremendous urge to talk to someone even though it's going to be just "Hey what about the weather today huh? Pfftt...". I felt the need to share with people how I felt, heck I just felt like talking to someone that's about anything, I didn't care, just wanted to do so.

But whenever I open my Yahoo! Messenger, I felt like I was looking at an empty list (even though it was more than a page long of people online), whenever I reach for my phone and unlocking my keys, my fingers were already reaching for the locking keys again. It struck me, have I lost the ability to communicate with fellow human beings? Have I become what I feared, a lonely old shadow that follows through time without people noticing me? Or is it because the right person isn't there to listen to what I have to say? Nevertheless I felt it in those two nights. It's those feelings which I always relate to as being in a dark room and seeing the distance between me and the people I know grew further and further. A little terrifying.

Talking about nights, I swear I encountered something freaky again the night before. I woke up around 4 in the morning and in my sleepy state I heard "Psssttt.. psttttt" coming from the window. Almost sounded like someone calling. For you info, there is nothing out the window except 11 floors downward. I took a peek or two but didn't see anything and went back to bed. Scary.

Oh yeah. Something has been bothering me too. How people reacted towards my new job. I know some of you actually supported me and was happy for me. Besides being my own decision to change for a better future, I did change cause I was kind of sick of everyone asking me why I haven't leave that half-a$$ job yet and why I don't think about my future and why don't I was a better paying job and more challenging job. I got sick and threw the letter on the desk and left finally. In a way that was to shut everyone up somehow. But somehow it didn't. There are still a couple of people left who are bugging me. I am not saying it's a bad thing. I just felt a little offended. I got a new job, it's not the best in the world, it might not even be in you Top 100 List, but it was my choice, I felt happy with it and it was an improvement from my last job. Why can't you guys be happy for me? What is with all the questions about why I didn't leave Cyberjaya and why did I choose to work THERE? In a way it make me feel like I have made the wrong choice somehow and didn't meet their expectation. I know I am not suppose to do things according to people's expectations but somehow I want to truthfully say, it offended me. I know you all were concerned over me and meant only good things to happen to me, but couldn't you guys at least respect my decision and support me a little? I mean I am sure I supported you guys when you guys made crucial decisions in your lifetime. Why can't you do the same for me?

I said it once and I will say it again. You guys weren't there when I needed people around me to support me. It sometimes make me wonder whether the 4 years was even worth it. It makes me wondered have I wasted my trust all this while. All I needed was a congratulation, that would even make me feel a bit better that what I feel now. Sometimes you guys make me so sick and full of regrets that I've chosen to live in solitude. Don't blame me for who I am cause you don't have a right to do so and I know the reason wasn't just because of me...

And for those who supported me I thank you cause you have made me feel much better. If it weren't for you guys I don't know how I would have been.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Forgot again...

I really need to remind myself to take note of what I am suppose to write. I remembered I had something really great to write about like this afternoon but now I totally can't remember what it was. I guess a little update won't hurt.

Finally got a confirmed job and I have already sent out my resignation letter. Pretty much everything is settled and I am ready to go off on the 21st. The catch is, I am going back there on 7th to 9th to help out. Being the guy who is always *ahem* soft hearted, I guess I pity them for not having anybody to cover the public holiday on that time. Sigh I wish my cruelness shows at this kind of time. Anyways new job starts on the middle of next month so I am having plenty of time for me to go home and settle some of my important stuffs at home.

OK, now I remember what I wanted to write about. See, this afternoon I suddenly recalled a couple of horror stories I read when I was young. OK... they are not really horror, probably horror is a too strong of a word for them. I guess thriller would be better? Anyways, I can't seem to recall where are those books. I mean it's been a long time since I saw it. It's one of those picture books, something like 'ladybug books'. Yeah, been a fan of thriller and horror stories since young (what a weirdo) but then again if I read it I will have extra scenes in my oh-so-creative mind starring me and the boogey-man, let's just say I won't have a pleasant time for the rest of the day. Even now I like thrillers and horror stories, movies, etc. But the after effect is there. I will always feel uneasy as if 'something' is there. Oh and by the way, I did see 'something' that day. I swear it. I don't know what it was, but I saw something. As you might know (or not) my desk and PC is by the window, nice wind, away from glare, nice. So this one night it was pretty late and I was watching something on my PC and then suddenly from the side of my eye I saw something outside my window swooping by super fast but silently. It shocked me a while and I seriously dare not look out at that time (Yes I am scarie cat). So basically I just try not to think about it. No problem sleeping. Still I wonder what it was. Too fast to be a light garbage. It was practically speeding passed my window. Hmmm...

Anyhow back to the books. I am pretty amazed how much I read when I was small. Though they were kiddish at some point. People might be reading Enid Blyton books I was reading short stories. Big deal. But the stories I read were somewhat important in a way and well known. Heck I think kids these day seldom get to read those well known stories and nursery rhymes I read when I was young. Some examples would be Aesop's Fables. Yes I know the stories are still out there but then again do they know it's from Aesop's Fables? Another would be by Grimm Brothers. A lot of people don't know that this two German brothers published a lot of well known folk tales and fairy tales that are still well known till today. Yes they published Cinderella, Rapunzel and Snow White. Though I think their version was a bit erm... how should we say... Rated? Yes a bit not suitable for kids. Anyways there were so many well known stuffs that kids are missing these days. Seriously if they want something extra they can even go for Edgar Allen Poe. I still remember I had this small pocket books with a collection of his stories. Heck I still remember some of the stories which include The Gold-Bug, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Black Cat, The Fall of the House of Usher (not the singer), Masque of the Red Death, Eleonora, and his famous poem The Raven. OK that was too many but yeah that was some of the famous ones.

If people want thriller and horror stories, they can actually go for even Alice in Wonderland. Yes I said it correctly, Alice in Wonderland, provided it's the original or not-so-edited version. Even Snow White was a pretty freaky story. If you search online, the original version didn't really end with the happily ever after thing. It ended with the step mother being punished for her wicked ways by forcing her to dance till she fell down dead from wearing a pair of heated iron shoes. Crazy huh?

In fact over the years I have wondered why most of these stories, folk tales, fairy tales and nursery rhymes which is full of scary stuff end up in CHILDREN books anyways. I mean seriously, take nursery rhymes, Humpty Dumpty -- had a great fall; Can't put Humpty together again, London Bridge is Falling Down (if you see the full version you will see what I mean), Three Blind Mice -- cut their tails with a carving knife, Rock-a-bye Baby -- and down will come baby, cradle and all and lots more I am too lazy to mention. Hahaha.

Oh well I guess I got quite a decent amount of things to write even though I forgot what I was suppose to write in the first place. I am sure it wasn't about that storybook thing. I will write about it if I remember it on another day. Bleh...

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Cut Off...

Sigh... it might not sound good to you, but it sounded good to me. I don't know how to explain and I don't intend to crack my head over it. Somehow today I felt fed up. Finally I felt fed up and it felt good.

Personally I shouldn't even be caring about this anymore. Time after time I said I wanted to stop caring about nonsense like this. But hey.. it always gives me a jab or two once in a while and makes me feel even further from everyone. Right now I feel like half way around the world from everyone. Heck if I place everyone half way around the world it wouldn't make much of a difference.

I hate it when I tell people things they would reply "then engage with society". I don't know why everyone have the same impression that I don't want to mix around. Hello people, it doesn't work like that. I don't even know why am I explaining. All and all it might have made better sense to say "then let society engage me".

I am off for the rest of the week, month, I don't know. Not going to be around. I don't care anymore. One last thing "I think your life is much better than mine". I hate this place. I hate everyone. Sometimes I just felt so jealous of all of you it really did make me sick.
F**k this place.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Stretched to Oblivion...

There is so much feeling in me sometimes it feels as though I might just explode in to a million pieces. My mind just gets confused wondering whether I should be happy for certain sad occasions or should I be sad on certain happy occasions. All this time I have always felt that the world is somehow against me. Maybe it's not like that. Maybe it's just me. But it's getting harder and harder to deny. As time passes by the signs grew. I wouldn't say that there is nothing good that happen in my life. But nowadays there is just an equal or sometimes more bad things that happens to me. Sometimes it feels as though I am stretched to the point where I am torn to two. Good things just doesn't feel so good anymore when it's part of the things that is tearing me apart.

Been worried that I would be left behind in the place I worked. Everyone that I cared about have already made plans on leaving and already gotten a job. I was desperate. But luckily last Friday I got news that I got the job I asked for. Good news right? Finally found one. Feels great. But somehow having no one to celebrate with or enjoy the news with for at least 10 minutes of my life just makes my heart sink rock bottom. Feels like I've been lifted up from the ground to a very high place and dropped down with such extreme force. I hit the ground hard. Why do I feel so sad? Feels as though no one cares anymore. Should I still care? I am beginning to convince myself that I shouldn't. Why bother having good things when I can't share?

A lot of people I know thinks they are having crummy days and bad days. What they don't know is at the end of the day they go back to something great. A meal with friends. Meeting up with them. Meeting friends they haven't seen for a while. Sounds of cheer and laughter. Feels so nostalgic to me. I once had that but now I come back to nothing. I wanted to ask why but I can't seem to find the reason. Maybe the reason lies hidden from my senses. Maybe it lies somewhere among my friends. I don't know or rather I don't dare to know. I can tell you straight in the face I come back to nothing everyday. Whether I have a good day or bad day, each days ends as though someone hiding behind my door and smashing my face onto the floor the instant I come in. Always felt jealous of you guys. Always had always will.

When you guys fall there is always someone to pick you up. When you feel sad there is always someone to cheer you up. When in need there is always someone to help you. When in pain there is always someone who use even their own body to shield you. What a wonderful life. It almost felt like heaven to me. Heaven. Maybe that is where you guys came from. Though I wish many many times, pray if you might say for the well being of you guys, I can't help but have a little negative feelings towards you guys. I wish I didn't have to. But I did at times. Jealousy, anger, sadness, disappointment, I felt it all.

I wish I could keep a little more of these feelings. I kept it my whole life. I feel as if I am going to explode. Sometimes it just feels good to express my feelings. Sometimes I feel like shouting out to you guys "Go back to heaven and enjoy yourselves! This is earth, this is where I suffer. I don't want to see you enjoy yourselves. Cause it makes me sick". Am I being harsh and unfair? I don't think so. Not till you feel how I feel.

Kind of reminds me the time when a friend once told me. "When people sick, there always seem to be people taking care of them, buy food for them, heck even cook for them. When we are sick, we took panadol and go to bed". Life is just so cruel ain't it brother?