Colleagues II

I guess I missed out a few people when I mentioned my colleagues the other day. There is like two more things or so that I really don't like and it irritates me a lot that I feel like plugging out my keyboard and smacking it on their face. OK I admit I am sometimes hard of hearing and occasionally I mumble to the point that it's hard for people to understand me. But there is this guy in the office who really took it to a whole new level. I lose to this guy when it comes to heard of hearing, mumbling and forgetful. Serious.


Basically he works on more of image editing field. Basically the client gives a chunk of PDF files and you are suppose to extract those little tiny pictures of their items and and put them in separate files. You need to cut out the coupons and put them in separate files. Change resolution and edit the the whole page and what not. I know what you are thinking, why do they need people to do this when they can do that themselves. Well, I don't know, what I do know is never reject business.


Anyhow this guy for the love of God, he practically ask the same things over and over again. I don't know whether he is dumb or playing dumb at times. Like for instance he will be asking "Dude do I need to cut out coupons for like this so and so version of PDF?". Once is OK, twice is OK, hey I give you a third for free but asking it over and over again for the 3 - 4 months period is just a bit of an overkill. Ugh... Maybe he is forgetful. I know, can't blame him but freaking write on a piece of paper or something. Sheesh. He also talks in this low tone voice plus the sinus or something which makes him a bit hard to understand at times and he really likes to talk to you facing his monitor. Ugh... And he is also pretty hard of hearing and likes to interrupt people with the occasional "Huh? What did you say?" before people are even finish with their sentences. It makes me feel like telling him "Dude, you wanna know why you can't hear what people are talking about? Let them finish their sentence first you freak!" but yeah that would be too mean. I mean I can hear it from like so much further from him with an extra cubicle walls blocking my face.


But I do realize this once in a while. It happens to me at times. It's a habit. I actually hear what people say at times but I say I don't for some odd reason. I heard it clearly but I just want to make sure I heard the person right so I usually ask them to repeat. But seriously he does it too much.


Then there is also my all time favorite. This is not just him. This goes out to those responsible as well. There are a bunch of people who actually I would classify as having no manners and rude. Seriously. Rude. I mean here is this team leader talking to a guy, giving instructions, seeing and listening to the problem the guy is having and out of nowhere you heard someone calling the team leader and asking the question straight without waiting for the team leader to finish his current task. I mean come on... at least wait for him to finish before you start calling and asking. Sheesh.


Yeah.. There is a lot of trouble makers in the company I guess. But maybe it's just me.

Heroes and Life

I've been writing down ideas on what to write lately whenever I get the chance to cause I am not much of a writer on the contrary of someone might think. I mean like after writing like a shit load of stuff and rereading it later, it just seems so corny sometimes and meaningless. No matter what I want to write at that particular moment and practically saving up some notes of it, it just doesn't give the same feeling and point of view when I write it later. I guess the value and the level of meaning just peaks at the moment I thought of it and later on just loses all its meanings afterwards. But notes still help in a way I guess. Better than a shit load of meaningless paragraphs of nonsense and gibberish. I've been known for not being a good writer since back in school HEH.


Finally I finished Heroes Season 1 yesterday. I guess it was pretty good. I might even try to get the comic collection if I have the time. What really interest me in the show are practically the reoccurring elements without even giving a hint of how they might be related to the main story itself. For example the weird symbols on the body of those with special abilities (the so-called helix and two parallel lines), the eclipse and also the cockroach (yes you heard me right, check the show again it appears a lot.


More importantly the show has made me think a lot about the real life (yes I think a lot thank you). Though we all might not have super powers and special abilities like those in Heroes, we are alike in some points. We being so obsessed with doing what is best and what we think is right for us and the world itself. Plainly, we are trying to be heroes. Of course this always leads to my favorite question “What is right and what is wrong in this world?”. Is what we do really is for the best of the world, the people around us and ourselves or is it just something that appeal to the majority of the population? For me I think it’s the latter. There really isn't a right or wrong in this world. There is no good and bad in this world. There is just a plain shade of grey something everyone hopefully or majority at least would agree to.


Occasionally what we think is right might not appeal to the majority. This makes it wrong in a sense. People will never notice what they have done is wrong. Even after the damage is done they still insist that they did right, which kind of sickens me at times. Always trying to cushion the blow just by denying that they are wrong. It happens a lot in my life and frankly I am not really bothered about it anymore. I mean I really stepped up and like point it when I get hurt once in a while. But I usually know where this leads to. It always leads back to me. For some reason it’s never their fault. I still remember there was this time when I missed out on an outing and you know I just mention I wasn’t invited. I can’t believe the response would be it was my fault because I didn’t call up to ask. I mean can you believe that? I mean how am I supposed to know when these things going take place? I don’t read mind… sheesh. Anyways back to the point, yeah there is no right or wrong, in fact I feel that I wouldn’t blame past dictators on what they did during war and what not simply because they did what they had to do at the time. Though I might disagree with the cruel methods still.


I picked this from the manga Shin Angyo Onshi. There is this character, I suppose the main villain of the story, he said:

"Did you know?
It is said that, at the beginning of the world, Good and Evil were two parts of the same body.
Like the front and back of a folded piece of paper.
Men decided on the color of the paper.
At first, all things were colorless awaiting the imprint of humanity.
Black and white... was added to the paper by men themselves.
Men are full of contradictions... Men are extremely fragile...
Nonetheless, they were the ones to decide good or evil...
To the eyes of Heaven... this world is probably no more than a folded piece of paper."

Kind of ring some truth to my point. I don’t really expect people to know what they do is right or wrong. A few seconds more of thoughts about the results of their doings might make a difference between right and wrong sometimes. It’s always good to think of possible results. I know all people are selfish in nature. I mean who isn’t? Name me one. Everyone did something because they themselves wanted to right?

Heroes and Me

Lately since I have been having sleepless nights, I have been watching a lot of Heroes (or is it the other way around?). Kind of got hooked on it after watching like one or two. It's not that the story is interesting or anything, Well it is but that is not the reason why I am continuously watching it. But rather I think I am beginning to become more of a perfectionist?(or rather it be obsessive-compulsive disorder?). I don't know. But I just felt like I have to COMPLETELY finish it somehow. There were two things weird about the show. Firstly it gives me a chill or a shiver sometimes. I don't know why but something about the story at times give me that feeling. Secondly if you have this in CD/DVD rewatch it and you will notice that there is a specific model handgun that appears a lot in the show. No it's not a glock but I don't know. It appears a lot. Not much to tell, who doesn't know the series Heroes?


Despite having so much to do lately, my life have seemed to be emptier by the minute. Feels like I've been "grown" in one place and "plucked" and stored in a whole new place. So strange and unfamiliar to me. Those people I used to know now seems like mere strangers. It's funny how you think you know everyone around you well enough to boast about it but then again in the end they left you on your knees with your mouth and eyes wide opened to show the facial expression of shocked. Shocked of knowing how little you knew about the people around you.


After the shock has calmed the after effect begins with a blame game. Who is to blame when ones you know so well and care so dearly about seems like stranger now? When the only sentences that pops up in your mind are "Hi" and "How are you?" and followed by the akward silence between two people.


Funny how I like to blame others usually. Can't blame it. I've tried to connect and change for you again and again, to improve to make myself fit in nicely in the habitat called you. Yet I struggled in each attempt and bite my lips till it bled showing the frustration of failure. Scream heard miles away. Tears starts to form. What a waste of energy, no matter how strong the scream and cry were, I was crying in front of deaf and blind, I was crying in front of you.


Lack the energy to stand up and climb forward to catch up with you, I lie down waiting for time to eat me up. I know my time is coming and it will be soon. I told Him "Lets get it over with, I have nothing more to lose, I have no remorse or regret, all I was is everyone else to be happy and that makes me happy".


Time is ticking so loudly near my ear. Every tick of a second it seems like apart of me just disappeared. Not so long ago my emotion disappeared. I feel so plain and emotionless. I know I should be feeling sad right now. I know this is the time when I am suppose to cry out loud. I know this is the time when I feel depressed when all of you are pretending to be deaf and blind. Feel so betrayed. Feel so alone.


Again the question of who to blame keeps popping up in my mind. Should I point the gun at myself or should I fill myself with hatred and point it at you or should I point it upwards? I came upon one of you the other day, finally after trying so hard I get to finally communicate with you. You say you were busy with this and that and I believe you. You have already state your reasons what more can you do? What more can I do? Everyone has a purpose in life. I can't blame you. Or rather I don't have the guts the do so.


I know I have hurt so many. I have tainted the canvas called friendship a couple of times. It's something that even He can't erase. Kind of reminds me of what one of you used to say "Forgiven but not forgotten". Heh. Kind of true. Everyone holds a grudge against another. Even though they said they have forgiven you, the tainted canvas will smack you in the face when the time comes.


But do you even know the times you hurt me? The time when I cried out loud, the time when I just need someone to pass a conversation to, the time when just seeing you face to face would have melted all this away yet you weren't there. And it slowly grows strong in me. It eats me up inside. Unable to mend it I fear that I won't be long. The only thing I fear is when I am gone, you still don't realize that you were part of the problem. You were part of what is to blame. You live a carefree life, you are living your life. And here I am wasting mine, ending at the Chapter 1. Such a waste. Everyone has a purpose in life, and mine was to end it all silently and forgotten. That's how everyone prefer it right? At least that's what it looks like from my point of view. Maybe you should come here and take a look.

Mangas and Comics...

Been reading a lot of mangas and comics the past few months. Going back and forth between them. Sometimes mangas are nicer sometimes comics are nicer. Comics are more attractive in a way but then again holds so much dialogue and narrations sometimes. Makes me feel lose interest sometimes. Manga is a more straight to the point type of comic. Colorless but nevertheless more of a easy-reading material compared to comics. Anyhow as I was saying I have been going back and forth between them. Currently it's manga. Been reading lots of mangas, collecting them. During this process somehow I always find some that just sparks interest in me just from reading the first page. Some just made me sick. I guess I should give example. A while ago I have been quite crazy over a Korean manga or manhwa if you want to be technical. They are all the same. Just that manga in Korean is manhwa.


Anyhow the title was Shin Angyo Onshi or the English title, Blade of the Phantom Mask(sounds so corny). Very exciting characters, storyline was interesting and practically spark interest in me quite fast compared to others that I have read. Basically what I like it about it is that how they portray the hero in the story. The hero is not invincible he is more of a normal guy. Used to be a warrior but due to health factor later caused by a curse he is practically not those powerful heroes you see in normal comics but rather a fragile guy who often depends on luck and careful planning. What's funny is the curse makes his chest hurts when he is in a state of panic or have been using his body in extreme levels like running away and all. So to relief himself he carries around a breathing mechanism or I would say it rather looks like an inhaler for asthma Heh. Seriously it's like around the size of a whistle, maybe bigger and he takes a breathe on it once in a while. Looks and sounds like an inhaler to me. Which kind of make it cool I guess. Come on it's just illogical that every freaking hero is going to be rushing into enemies ala Neo in Matrix right? So he have to somehow compensate for his lack of strength right? Well he have two things up his sleeves, not literally. One is a skimpy clothes-wearing-butt-kicking-slayer girl with a giant metal claw on one hand and a sword on another. So cool. Any also his medallion. Now I don't want to translate it into Chinese/Korean cause it sounds like a bad word in Chinese actually HEH. The medallion is denoted by the number of horses cast into it given to them by the king. The more horses you have on it the higher the ranking is. In this case the hero had 3 (highest in the story is 4). So what he can do is from the medallion he can summon his army of phantom warriors. Which is kind of cool. The problem with lower ranking medallion is that for example the third one compared to a four horses medallion is that there are certain things that it doesn't kill or attack. Then again it's powerful enough.


Anyhow after googling around I found out that the story is actually based on a folktale whereby there is this bunch of government secret agents that goes around the city after city and disguise themselves as travelers to sniff out all those corrupt government officers. Sounds so familiar but I've heard of such stories in our own history textbook before but I don't remember the name. Back to the story, the medallion in the folktale of course don't summon phantom warriors and what not but rather it is a symbol of how many people or the size of the army under him. Which is kind of the more logical version of the manga itself.


All and all a good read. currently I don't get to read it since it has just recently finished and it's pretty hard to find people who translate it. Not very popular I guess.


This reminds me there is another manga I bump into the other day. One word describes it all. FREAKY. Not ghost or monster type of freaky. This is well the story is freaky and sick. So basically the title is Girlfriend. The story revolves around this couple of girls that ermm... in their own uncontrollable needs or their own interest or fetish maybe to actually do it with the guy character. Sick right? Of course it's not a hentai class manga so there is no detailed sex scenes or anything. An example of the story is there is this nerdy looking guy. He narrates that there is this girl in his school, very talented and popular and athletic and hot headed. No one would actually know they are together except both of them. The weird thing is the girl is just going for the sex and didn't want any relationship and all the stuff. Weird? Yeah it is! Stopped after the first chapter.


Amazing how many weird mangas are out there.

Deep Enough...

So finally I was able to get through today or yesterday if you want to be technical about what time it is right now. Had a sleepless night to begin with, wondering what questions are going to be asked in the interview, who are the people who is going to intervew me, am I capable enough to take up the job?, what if they look down on me?, what if I choked? Just so many questions in my mind I couldn't sleep at all lastnight. So the big day finally came. I got ready. Realizing that this interview will be held in the new buildings, I wasn't too sure where it's going to be exactly so I didn't want to take the risk and went quite early. Seven people were there including me. I was a nervous reck. Turns out I deserve to be nervous. As I was registering myself I saw at the bottom the panels were big people. First a lecturer, one of those really look at you till you choke. Second panel was the boss of the centre or company, no problem there, he is pretty nice. Thirdly is HR guy which I am not sure who he is. Long story short, lots of questions asked, lots of questions I expected but in the end I choke anyways. Still I did manage to answer them so it was all good. So at last it ended and went back to sleep till it was time to go to work (only took half day leave)


Since tomorrow or today if you want to be technical about what time it is right now, was my offday I thought it would be great to kind of relax and catch some movies at home before I go to a deep slumber. So I popped in Fast and Furious (selections were great so I watch what I have). Then there is this part where there was this background song which I really didn't took notice during my countless times watching the movie. I kind of like the song. So being the weirdo who always needs what he likes, I quickly search for the title and the band. TUrns out the song is by Live. I am pretty sure you remember the song they sang, think it was Heaven. Anyhow this song is called Deep Enough. Hmmm... how to explain the song. Well it starts with a indian-ish tune and goes on to a rap-rock-ish verses and goes on to a melodious chorus. Pretty catchy. Honestly it sounded better in the movie. Still the full version of the song is pretty good. Liked it. Too bad they don't have a video for it. The song is featured in their album V that came out a couple of years ago. The lyric is below:

Live - Deep Enough
we hit the room, me and my crew and it was cool,
until we bumped into you now it's been years,
but there you were like a mustang,
redlinin' every single gear with a man that danced like he was born in '49,
but lost his groove back when jesus died i wanna know,
are those replacement hips? is that a swatch watch?
do you know what time it is?

does he run it deep enough
to take you there?
does he run it deep enough
oh tell me baby
does he run it deep enough?
tell me, tell me
does he run it deep enough?
does he run it deep enough for you?

we hit a couch, the place was packed with sweaty palms,
sweaty thongs, and sweaty backs my mouth was dry,
my brain cold high, the groove was right,
so i decided to ignite your eyes met mine,
you skirt began to rise,
and so did i now you know that i took that prize in the middle of the club,
in the middle of the club, in the middle of club now tell me!

does he run it deep enough
to take you there?
does he run it deep enough
oh tell me baby
does he run it deep enough?
tell me baby

what did i do? what did i say?
that gave you away tell me what didn't i do,
what didn't i say that sent you away from me

i wait for you to take my i wait for you to take my hand

does he run it deep enough
to take you there?
does he run it deep enough
oh tell me baby
does he run it deep enough
oh tell me, tell me
i'm just a jealous guy, i'm just a jealous guy, come on!

I don't really care much about lyrics unless they somehow sync up with my thoughts at the moment and makes me go "Wow, someone knows how I feel" kind of situations. But besides that it really doesn't matter. As long as the song satisfy me it's all good. Need to rest soon. Maybe my next post should be about the mangas I am reading. Hope there is enough space for it HAH. Just a sneak preview. Read a great action packed manga with a great story and also well a weird perverted one (not my intention, accidentally found it, honest!)

Sleepless...

Sigh, this is the third night I couldn't sleep. I have no idea why. Maybe I am nervous about the upcoming interview I am going to have the day after tomorrow. Maybe my body is getting used to sleeping around 4 or 5 in the morning and waking up early and suffering the rest of the day in the office. Maybe it's just this awful quietness in my life that seems to make every little sound seems so clear reminding me of how quiet and lonesome my life is. Hey, I wish I know the reason. I really need the sleep.


I am pretty nervous about the upcoming interview definately. It's my one and only interview lately. Need a job fast. Plus there were a few things that bothered me. Like am I prepared to answer the questions given? Will I forget something that I should have bring along? Will I get the job? Will my work be up to their standards? Is this the right choice? There is just so many questions in my mind I think it's keeping me awake. I've always been careful with things, thinking about every inch of possibilities, make proper plans for my life. Somehow this seems to be a double edge sword for me. Sometimes it just makes me worry too much. Well, still think it's good to be prepared.


Thing just gets worse with all the quietness around me. Nervous and quiet environment just doesn't work together very well; at least for me. It just makes my thoughts clearer and the questions are flooding my mind. The terror. I don't know why but somehow deep in me, I always expected at least some people to care and be concerned about how the situation is. Maybe it's just me. I don't mind the quiet life, as long as there is something to do. But when you have nothing to do and the environment is so quiet and you have tonnes of questions in your mind, it's just not good. somehow I think I am growing crazier as time past.


The TV shows aren't helping either. Lately the constant streaming of TV shows and stuff are probably making my body and mind adapt to new sleeping times. Nevertheless the fact that I do not have enough sleep is still there. Funny how I used to be able to go on with my day with just 4 hours of sleep everyday.


I guess I should go to sleep. Nothing much to do. The TV shows aren't streaming any faster and I need sleep badly and someone to talk to. I just wish there was someone around where I could just go "Hey sorry to bother you so late at night. Can't seem to sleep. Wanna talk?". Know what I mean? At this point whenever I say that it kind of make me feel like a baby HAH. And if I ever tell someone that, they would usually push the responsibility to someone else. Not that I am blaming them. I know it's not their problem why should they even care right? I think if someone were around and I would be able to talk to them face to face or through a call or something I think I would just fall asleep on my bed peacefully. No offense to the person whom I am talking to. Not that the person is boring or anything. I think I would be able to get some stuff off my mind and I would definately sleep better then. So much in my mind. I wish they have expiry dates and would disappear when the time comes. Oh well...

Fakes...

Have you ever wonder how to differentiate the real friends from the fake ones? It has always been hard to tell even with my keen sense of observation *cough* I still fall for it every time. With terms like "poker face" and "fake smiles", gosh who can tell the difference at times right? Maybe it's His greatest invention. Some kind of special operation units, brought to earth to torture those who falls for it. Heh. Hilarious. Oh why do You like to torture us so? Heheh... HAHAHA...


So how do you differentiate them. Every nice person you see hurts you just as much as the next person. I mean what do you do when you know that person is a fake? Take a sniff of the sweet smell and throw it away before it stings you with its thorns? Sounds good to me sometimes. But alas there is a weakness in me. Never had the guts to do that to them. If I ever do it, I doubt they would even care.


Who are the real ones again? Well this is just between me and you, but I have this theory that people turns true and real when they are hurt. The moment they are down on their knees, that is the time when they have regrets, they think back about the things they have done and the things that people had done to them. Slowly raising their shaken hands to ask help, guess what, He ain't there, He went golfing and fishing with the rest of the deceased who wrote "Gone Fishing" and "Gone Golfing" on their obituaries. HAH.


And BAM! they suddenly realize they have made the right choice to let it go, to forget instead of BREAK THE FREAKING NECK OF THOSE WHO HURT THEM! I SWEAR I'M GONNA BREAK THAT THIN NECK... Chill buddy, chill. ARGHHH STOP INTERRUPTING ME! THIS IS MY CHANCE TO BREAK THAT FREAKING NECKS OF THEIRS AND WELL CONGRATULATIONS YOU GET THE FRONT ROW SEATS TO SEE IT LIVE! HAHhaheh...


I guess they are the most sincere when they are in that shaken position. Maybe people are meant to be hurt all the time. Constantly reminding them how they been threated and how they have threated others are just the same at times. I guess pain really is the cleanser.

Internet and I

I think I might be paranoid or something. Why? So I've been watching a lot of TV shows by streaming it through It* lately. Basically everyone knows It's slow and sucks. So what people usually do around here to watch something like this is to leave it streaming and watch later. That is what I usually do too.


But for some reason around now (3am), It's pretty much smooth sailing for my TV shows. Weird huh? As if It knows I have to go and sleep so It became very smooth for some reason. I think It's playing around with me. Hate it. Now I have to stay up because I am so addicted to TV shows. So I guess you can say I have the Oh-Just-One-More-Won't-Hurt Syndrome. Yeah one episode always leads to another for some reason.


Oh boy, I am going to need cups and cups of coffee tomorrow and break time nap. I guess I should get back to my TV shows. Another one more...

(*It with a capital "I" usually refers to the Internet)

Colleagues

Have you ever get those really sucky colleagues that always seems to annoy you? I think you can guess where this is going. Well for me there is a couple of things that bothers me lately. Maybe I am getting bored and becoming a pissed old guy complaining about every little things. Maybe what they did was just wrong. Who knows for sure right?


Well first thing is the noise. Sometimes it's pretty unbearable especially during the weekends when all the bosses are at home in their pajamas washing car and stuff. Seriously it's bad. Sometime it takes me a while to read just a sentence cause I can't seem to hear myself think. I guess this problem isn't that bad.


Double standard and inconsiderate colleagues. So basically there was one time when my team was so loud that well another colleague (lets just call him colleague A) came to them and tell them to quiet down. Fine by me. Firstly I didn't make the noise. Secondly yeah it was getting kind of loud. But what pissed me off is that well the guy made a lot of noise too among his group. So what's the deal? Maybe I should do what he did last time and tell the them to quiet down. I still remember that time, his face was all sour and looked like he was thinking really hard and then he stand up and clapped his hands a few times and asked for attention and ask the group to quiet down. Maybe I should do that. So that was colleague A. Now colleague B is a freak. I don't know what's the deal with him, but sometimes you can see him get up and go to the air-conditioning control room and you can hear from above you a long line of beeps. Meaning he lowered the temperature very VERY low. People was like what the heck, it's not even hot. Sometimes I just feel he is having lack of attention or something cause he would lower the temperature and comes back smiling and giving that evil laugh. So usually those who can't stand it will go and switch it back up. What a troublesome guy. Wish I could smack him.


Lastly, toilet. Now I don't know what's the condition of female toilet in the office but I think the guy(s) responsible for the yellow liquid around the bowl need a bit of target practice. I mean come on how can you not hit directly into the bowl? Hard on from work? I doubt so. Maybe it needs a scope or make it laser guided or something. Well I can still accept that maybe you're getting old and eyesights aren't that good anymore and those blue pills are keeping IT up. But leaving the condition of the toilet like that after finishing your business is just wrong. That just tells me two things. Number 1, your house toilet has yellow color liquid around it as well and you couldn't be bothered. Number 2, you're blind as a bat. Sheesh clean it with water a little at least. Don't tell me you expect the next user to clean it?

Yeah well I am sure not everyone in the office is bad, but some are just asking for it. See this is why you need to smack your colleagues once in a while. It helps a lot trust me.

Going back to my roots...

Ok... I think there is just too much Coke Pepsi in my blood and mind right now. Lately I haven't got the chance to be online as much as I used to. No, not because I am being the-good-I-sleep-early-OMG-it's-only-10 boy guy but I don't know why my Internet goes offline especially at nights. Around midnight or earlier. It really did go offline a bit earlier than expected. So since I had nothing much to do, I went straight outside to the shops and buy some junkfood and a bottle of Pepsi. Then went I got home popped a movie and finished up a bag of peanuts and half a bottle of Pepsi. I guess that brings me to this moment right now when my mind is so hype-out from that awesomely refreshing drink I had full of vitamins and minerals caffiene. Hmmm I think I can make a conclusion that Pepsi = Brain Food. LOL


Anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about It (yes I am referring to the Internet as It with a capital 'I') going off this couple of days. Call me crazy but I think it's doing some good for me in a way. Sure I am not socializing but hey I am away from the what I usually do for a while. Kind of like how Marge in The Simpsons likes to make the family goes for family time at night for one hour. I think I needed the break from my daily doses of manga reading, comic reading, bible reading, jogging, playing games, watching videos, surfing, downloading stuffs, etc. Been taking an hour or two of my time everyday to brush up on my programming skills. I think my brain have gone lazy over the past year. I mean OMG how the heck did I remember all these stuff? Sheesh... so anyways I am learning from scratch again all the knowledge of yesteryears especially those that I am interested in. I think the test interview the other day pretty much woke me up which is good in away excluding the fact that I am mentally and emotionally crushed and pissed of myself.


So basically I planned to go back to my roots and do stuffs that I am interested in and those that I need to do. Probably the major things I need in my life right now is art and programming. Thinking maybe I can squeeze in an hour or so of attention to get my brain to suck up something productive once in a while. Maybe It going down once in a while is giving me the chance to do so.


I wish I can pay more attention to those two major stuff in my life. I don't know when it started but I felt that my attention span have reduced a lot compared to when I was in school. I mean 8 subjects x multiple amount of chapters. How did I do that I wonder... Anyone know of way to increase my attention and focus on a particular thing? I would blame multi-tasking as part of the reason I guess. I think it have made me get bored of things easily and difficulties in remembering stuff unless repeated over and over or it's short term. Bleh...


Anyhow, I hope I can keep this up, would be good for me in a way. And I also hope to get a new job soon. Suppose to quit this month. Oh well.. cross my fingers on that. I had a lyric that had like something interesting I wanted to point out but I don't remember the song (see what I mean?). I am pretty sure it's one of the songs I heard in my folders at work. Will check it out and see.


Update! I remember now which song it is. Snow Patrol with the song Signal Fire. Nice song. Not my kinda song and I have no idea how it got into my collection. Anyhow I have only one thing to say about it. I wish I had someone like that... or does it remind me of me NOT having someone like that in my life. Great... now I feel miserable. Oh well... lyrics down there.

Snow Patrol - Signal Fire

The perfect words never crossed my mind
‘Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me, screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me

All I wanted, just sped right past me
But I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don’t wanna wait forever
No, I don’t wanna wait forever

In the confusion, and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don’t wanna wait forever
No, I don’t wanna wait forever
No, I don’t wanna wait forever

Feel like there is a lot to talk about when I am rushing for time (to go sleep, it's almost 3am!). At times, there is a lot of things I wanted to say to certain people but none of it ever comes out of my mouth. At times, I wanted to do so many things in life and make it richer and more meaninful but when the time comes the thought slips away. How ironic... makes me feel that He is playing around with me in His sandbox. These thoughts make me feel miserable but I know He is not to blame. It's all me. I wish I was better. Telling myself that is one thing... doing so is another. Sigh. I am sure I wouldn't have thought of dying young too if it's somehow more meaningful than this. Oh well... life goes on. So much to say... maybe I should think of what to say and make note of them and write something more meaningful next time instead of huge huge pile of gibberish like these. Told ya' I wasn't good at this.

It Feels Good to be Back On

Finally got my Internet to work again. I don't really recall how I felt the pass few days so I don't feel the need to express them here. I guess I was pretty down by the sudden separation from the world by ALL means including the net. On normal times I won't even be bothered since I still have the internet to connect me to the world. I know, it sounds freaky. Sounds like a psycho from some sci-fi show. But then again, yeah that's how it has been since my graduation. Too old to be among the juniors too young at heart(heh) to be with my equals. Young ones are having the fun of their time without me of course. C'mon who wants an old guy to be with them right? Mean while those of my batch are all talking about career and all that stuff. I don't like talking about career since I don't really have plan for it yet. Keyword : YET. Everytime without fail they will be talking about this and that about work, politics bla bla bla... whatever. I don't really care about those.

I remember feeling as though the world had expanded in front of my face. Many many times larger than I expected and somehow everyone is not around anymore. For once, fear strucked me right in the head, I fear of being alone in this world. Kinda ironic since I usually say I prefer to be by myself and how anti-social I am. Being 'online' was the last chance I had to be in contact with people around me and it was gone for a few days. Scary.

Had a test interview the other day. Let's just say it's not worth mentioning. Failed at it pretty bad. I wouldn't even want to hire myself. Roughly 80% - 90% of the questions I don't know (Thank God for MCQs) and those that I am suppose to know I don't remember how to do. So yeah practically hopes are dim. Next step, haven't plan and to think I wanted to quit this month. Sigh.

Due to the fact that I was pretty down under the past few days and plus I was off today, I just didn't feel like staying at home without any contact with the world. So I went and catch a movie even though I was pretty lazy and tired (slept at 3am). Went to watch the movie War or as they call it here Rogue Assasin. No idea why they changed the name. I couldn't find the name "Rogue Assasin" anywhere on the Internet that day so I guess the real official title has to be "War". Maybe we're not suppose to have the name "War" for movies? Hmmm... Anyways, pretty disappointing. Not by the movie but the censorship. Makes me feel like I am watching a slide show of some sort. Or short short clips of videos. Honestly they cut off all the nudity and bloody scenes. But overall very interesting plot twist *hint hint*. I would suggest watching it on DVD instead with all the "trimmings" still intact. Definately that would make the movie more enjoyable.

I saw something pretty interesting today when I was coming back home. Woman bus driver. Here. Wow... I honestly never seen those before around here. I saw some in Singapore but not here. OK... so it wasn't that interesting. Still... whatever.

Love Hate Dream...

What a sleepy day today. I guess I didn't have much sleep lastnight... at the proper time. Took a nap around 7pm since I was sleepy at the moment. Ended up waking up at 11pm. Had a dream. Something I am not really fond of at the moment. I mean if it was last time, yeah maybe it was a good dream but now it's just something I don't really feel like being reminded of in a dream.

There have been lots of friends coming and going in my life. I wish the going part just doesn't happen. I am sure everyone wish so. I doubt you would call them friends if you wish for the going part. Anyhow, lately I just don't consider those who left me here friends. Forsakening you shouldn't be one of your friends' strong points, that's how I see it.

But then again there are those that I cherish for life. When you are with them, they just feels like mothers, fathers or brothers and sisters. You'll never go wrong when you have those feelings. Those that shares your bad times when you are down and there is no one there, those that just makes everyday living hell doesn't seem so bad and gives you a glimpse of heaven.

Well I guess the person in my dream was kind of like a sister. I mean what more can I compare her to right? Always sharing the pain, sacrificing herself at times, in a way fed me and my buddies, just plain old having fun. I guess she gave me a glimpse of heaven in what should be a terrible place. Well, that was quite a while ago and she is no longer around. No... she is not dead. Just unable to be contacted. Tried so many times. Sometimes I wish she was dead and I know about it. That would have been a better option rather than hanging here wondering what happened to her.

I just don't know what is in her mind but I just can't understand people who don't want to keep in contact and don't want to be contacted. Sigh. That is why this dream was classified as a bad one. Part of me felt glad to have actually seen her in that dream. But part of me just feel so pissed off and just felt like telling her to get the fuck out of my face. I just felt like telling her how selfish she has been, how she had made me feel all this while, all the time when I needed her around and all the time that I was worried sick.

Sometimes I feel that it's true. People are closest to you hurts you the most... Makes me think that I should take a step back from everyone. I just don't feel like being hurt from a mere dream all the time...