Saturday, December 29, 2007

Art In Me...

Recently like I have said, there have been a spark that is tingling around my mind especially in the area where art ideas and interests are coming from. Part of the reason is I was fortunate enough to meet two things in my life recently. One living, one well... not alive you might say. First would be a book, I've never said anything about it before but there are a few artists, whether it may be fantasy artists or comic artists, but there are a few of them that I really really admire and I do follow their work. No... I don't remember their titles and stuff, but just from looking at them I know it's their work.

One of them would have to be Alex Ross. There really is no set of words that can describe his work. Basically he is a comic book artist, or rather a comic book painter to be more specific. The interesting thing that sparked my interest is his airbrush works. Seriously, you have not seen The Flash, Shazam, Justice League and many other famous characters till you see his artwork. Most of the time, they pretty much look alive as if it was a photo. I remember when I first see his work it took me a while to realize they were drawn and colored instead of a photo with effects. Really really amazing artwork from him.
Some example artwork in Wiki

Second guy would be Imperial Boy. Nope it's not his real name... d'oh. I am not very sure what his real name is, been looking for it but failed. Probably because I don't read Japanese. Yup the guy is a Japanese manga artist. His work is breathtaking and detailed, the colors are usually very milky soft tones, Wow... just wow. Basically what really makes me go nuts over his work is the background. His landscape and background work is amazing. Usually his artwork consist of characters drawn in a pretty normal and dull way but the background is simply amazing which really makes me speechless sometimes. Now when I say drawn in a pretty dull and normal way doesn't mean his character sucks, just that his landscapes/scenery/background really just makes me speechless each time. In fact I stumbled upon some of his work in a famous book that I wanted so badly last time in MPH. Bought it and it was great. The book is titled Robot Volume 2. Basically it's a collection of works by many young current manga artist with they really really really amazing work.
Some example of his work in Wiki
Some example artworks from robot magazine/book
Another site with robot magazine/book stuff

Another artist caught my attention recently and I have practically downloaded his tutorial videos and I watched it and it was really really great. The guy I am talking about is Carlos Cabrera. Practically the guy does digital artwork mainly most of the ones I saw was using Photoshop. Really amazing work. Most of his videos which are an hour to two hours long shows how a blob of nothingness turns to an amazing art. Don't really know much about him but he seems to have a lot of projects from pretty famous companies. Some of his works are in fact for games and advertisements. His works are usually concept art, fantasy themed, monsters etc. That kinda stuffs. And the artwork really looks amazing.
Example of his artworks in his portfolio

I wish I am as good at these artists. Hopefully one day. Living here, specifically in this country really doesn't spark much motivation for me to come up with ideas on what to draw in the first place. I don't know why but everything seems so geometrically straight and dull and artificial. I want curves and a sense of nature. But then I still try my best to get myself going sometimes. Just want to be a bit more hardworking in it, that's all I ask for.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007


Strangely enough being someone who rants a lot about how bad I am treated by my friends, I haven't spoken to them much lately. Maybe it's the fact that have practically cut any form of connection with them whether they noticed it or not. Maybe it's for the better. Who am I to be sure of such a complex matter in life.

Even though I have had friends since I was small, I have only known the true stripes and fangs of friends in the recent years. Yet it doesn't make me someone who is less hurt by them. Over and over I have fallen in the depths of the pit of despair and disappointment. Foolishly I still climb up and took a dive into it again over and over. It makes me wonder to what point my tolerance for pain is. At what point will I say stop and start revolting against what pain that is coming towards me.

I have witness so much but am still unable to get the facts right till now. Recently I have learned that couples and friends don't really mix that well. I don't really think that I have a sense a jealousy for couples that I know of. Strangely enough I have witness it countless amount of time where friends who are already a couple acts cold towards me compared to the time when they needed me. It saddens me, it really saddens how much they have actually forgotten about me. But I will just leave it at that as I still owe lots of my friends that does not give me any privileges whatsoever to sad anything bad about them as it would only make me more depressed for doing just that.

Lately I stumbled upon someone who posted up a question in a forum. He/she asked "Can friends be forever?". Being someone who have gone through quite a number of them I would have to say sadly no. Although I would wish for friends that are forever, it just isn't possible when people start rambling on about how I should just let things be and how I should move on with my life. What kinda cheap getaway card is that?

Upon reading more and more of the nonsense people reply to the kid, I took notice of one which kinda sounded practically like what I have been through. I started with a fairly large group of people. In the early days, everyone was fragile. We had nothing except in the right hand was the faith towards a God and on the left was a hand of another friend. Years passed, what was needed have been achieved, rewards came in abundance and the only way to carry the reward was to let go of one of the items in the hand. Did they let go faith or did they let go someone? I am not sure. That is really up to them to decide.

Some met new people to hold on to. I don't want to be the mean selfish guy to say WTF cause I don't have the right to do so cause it's their life. In fact most of the time I am pretty much happy for them. But the fact that they let go of me just doesn't make sense at all. What makes it even worse is that the reasons that is given is just out of this world sometimes.

Personally I don't think I am much of a guy worthy of friends. I don't like to talk much but I am pretty sure I am a good listener. I have goods and bads. But recently I felt a little disgusted by myself. The feelings I have seems to lead me to think of myself as slowly trying to make people around me feel the same pain as I do. I think from all the values (not the good ones) that I have gone through about myself tends to show that I have become somewhat of a lone ranger with heck of a lot of bad luck mixed into me. I recalled a certain character in a supernatural chinese show once. This character was fated to not have friends and close ones and anyone close to him will fall into despair. Being the hero of the story he lived a live of solitude ensuring that everyone is saved from the curse that I am pretty sure he didn't ask for.

Maybe I am something like that. I do notice people around me being in despair. Maybe subconsciously I have pushed away every single one of my friends away for the very same reason. Okay it's getting late and I don't want to drag people into a load of nonsense that might pop up in my mind. Long story short, I hate people these days, I hate how they are so selfish, I hate the stupid reasons they give me, I hate the fact that they only come to you when they are in need, I hate the fact that they don't contact me anymore, I hate it when there is nothing I could possibly do, I hate the fact that they don't understand me, I hate the fact that I get blamed for every possible reasons that the relationship between me and them have gone sour, I hate the fact that they don't take notice of the situation that is happening in front of them and they don't realize it, I hate the fact that I can't do a thing about it and the only thing I could possibly damn do is to avoid everyone and avoid the whole confrontation whatsoever, I hate the fact that we never get to discuss this, I hate the fact that the only things that we ever talked about was not even of slightest importance compared to the debate of what toppings I should put on my hotdogs, I hate the fact that I knew them, I hate the fact that for everytime you said you were hurt the same way I did, I was hurt 10 times more, I hate the fact that whenever I have something to say you were not there to listen, I hate the empty promises you gave me, I hate all the fake smiles you gave me, I hate the fact that there a knives behind my back and they belonged to you, I hate the fact that you went away without saying a word, I hate the fact you went away, I hate the fact that the more I hate you the more I felt bad, I hate the fact that I have to be the one to notice it all, I hate the fact that everything wrong in the world is caused by me, I hate the fact that those who are closer to me hurts me more without even noticing it, I hate the fact that there is just so much I have hated over the past years, that writing it all down here is just a waste of time cause one way communication never did, is or will ever work.

The fact that I am still alive right now shows that I am in denial and you are being ignorance regarding the matter.

People That Ticks Me Off...

I didn't want to mention this since I have been pretty much in a good mood lately but then again some things are meant to be said... some people just have to do the dirty work. Anyhow, there is just this couple of people, I am not saying who but then again I think it involves a lot of "outsiders". Now I am not saying this particular group of people are bad and you should have a bad impression of them but rather a few of them that make the whole group looks bad.

I came home from work today feeling lucky cause I manage to avoid a downpour by a mere couple of seconds. Pressed the elevator button and waited patiently for the elevator to come and came this guy with both his hands full of stuff. When the elevator came I pressed the button for my floor and being the nice person and goodie goodie guy I am lately, I ask which floor he wants to go to. He said something which I didn't quite catch in the beginning. So I said "I'm sorry, what?". I am not sure whether he was intentional or not but he kinda raised his voice when he replied me "ONE". Okay there are just two things that are simply wrong here. Grammatically, it should be "first floor" but I would accept "one" if he would just be a little nicer when freaking replying. Sheesh.

Next is the people who ruin the nice looking lines. These people tend to not understand what a line is. Well being the goodie goodie person I am (not), a line is a formation of people one beside another or one after another. What I can't seem to understand is what is so hard for people to understand that when you trying to get any services and there is like more than yourself, you freaking get in line. Lately, I've been taking bus a lot and for some reason everytime, I must say congratz to some Malaysians who actually automatically without even noticing forms a line and obediently wait for their turn. Then comes THOSE people, walks straight to the front and looks at you blankly as though they don't know what a line is. Now I am not trying to be high almighty, I do cut lines myself at times but then again when it comes to normal situations, it really puzzles me why is it so hard to understand what lining up meant to these people. Then one day I finally notice some little teeny tiny evidence of the reason why. I don't remember which newspaper I read but according to guy who wrote the article, he encountered somewhat of a rush hour when going on a train overseas (I refuse to disclose the exact location) and practically he experienced what it is like to get into one of those train which involves lot of pushing and being pushed around to an extreme level I might say. Maybe it's normal overseas, I am not sure but then there is there and here is here, I think everyone should respect the people and the place they are at.

And lastly, smokers and loud talkers. Trust me there are more but I rather not think about it right now cause it spoiling my mood more and more every second. There seem to be a bunch of people who smokes and puffs like a factory chimney and blowing their smoke into people's face without a sense of any human-like rationality. I don't know what is in their mind. I don't even want to know but for goodness sake please blow it back into anywhere else but everyone around you. Next are loud talkers. Honestly I think two things are wrong here. First, my bad for not being able to understand what they were saying since it's a foreign language. Secondly, please for God's sake pipe it down a little. Goosh, it really feels like I am right in front of an amp sometimes when a pair of them talks loudly like nobody's business. This my friend is called noise pollution and personally I haven't not witness it till recently and I regret withnessing it. At first I thought hey this people are cool, they are practicing freedom. Freedom my a$$. Honestly I felt like shoving my shoe up both the smokers' and loud talkers' mouth. Then again I would end up having to go back home with a sore eye and barefoot.

Sigh I guess this is life. I just accept what happens in my life no matter how bad as somewhat of a test of faith for me. Nope I am just not the religious type that praises Him ever so often but rather someone who appreciates what is in store for me by Him. Somehow I think I have taken so much blow from Him or maybe not Him but from someone, that I have become totally numb and unable to return fire. Heck I even say thank you and remember them as if they happened yesterday. Reminds me of what my friend used to say "I can forgive you but I will never forget what you did". Somehow it all make sense now.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Holiday... Not... Kinda

Well I am back from my four days holiday. Sad thing is my leave haven't cleared till now. Oh well it doesn't seem to be my problem now since my leave was neither approved nor rejected. I am guessing the guy who is suppose to approve my one teeny tiny day of leave had not been around since Hari Raya Haji. So basically there weren't much I can do. I had to buy tickets and whether he rejected that leave or not I have actually already taken it. Too bad for the guy. Not really sure what happened to the guy though. Before the holiday I heard one of my colleague asking the admin people about how was he or something. Not sure. Didn't bother with other people's problem.

My four days were OK I guess. Started with a whole half an hour or more of sunbathing... in the bus when the Penang Bridge was in a heavy jam. Cars were piling up a couple of miles back from the toll booth. Thank God for godly bus driver, we managed to get through pretty fast after that.

Got to see my nephew and my parents. Somehow my nephew got pretty excited over a Rubik's cube I brought home. He don't know how to solve it but then again he is pretty amazed and announced it's his. Of course I am not giving him that. I just let him play with it. According to my parents, he is starting primary school like in a week or two. Good luck to him. He is gonna need it. Though I feel that he is a bit not ready for that. Oh well, we'll see.

Had a pretty relaxing days at home. Went for church on Sunday with my parents. The church seems to celebrate two occasion. The Sunday before Christmas and also on Christmas day itself. So there are two service that is pretty important I guess. Ate a lot during the 3 days I was there. Had fun.

Finally the big incident happened on if I am not mistaken, Monday. Basically my house have been having lots of power disturbance like lights flickering as though there is not enough voltage. If I am right on Sunday when my mom switched on the fan, there was this terrible burnt smell of plastic or something rubber. Quickly we offed everything and try to pinpoint the smell. Seemed to be coming from the switches. On the next day when we came back I noticed a red/orange colour light coming from the main fuse beside the meter. I thought "Hmm I never notice that light before. Maybe it's suppose to show that there is voltage or something" and never really took notice of it.

Until my dad notice it and said that it was not suppose to be lit. And instantly my dad went and meddle with it and the so-called "light" came off and dropped on the floor. Turns out it's not a light or LED but rather it was heated wire. The wire was not fixed properly that there might be possible sparks generating between the wire and the place its suppose to be tightly connected to. So much sparks that the wire heated up to a red and amber colour. Meaning it was pretty hot that the wire actually melted when my dad meddle around with it. So we called the TNB people and got them to fix it. So far everything seems fine.

Super dangerous if you would imagine a family going out of town for a couple of days with this condition. The whole place would have burnt down or something. If I am not mistaken if it's heated more and more maybe the rubber coating or plastic cover or anything flammable might catch on fire. Seriously dangerous.

Holiday officially ended today. I sat on an early morning bus back to KL. Slept most of the way back. Pretty good sleep I guess since I stayed up quite late watching TV. I don't get the previlage to watch TV when I am here. So yeah it was worth it. More to write but this is getting too long.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Rubik's Cube...

Must stop playing my rubik's cube... Who would have thought a combination of 25 small cubes with 6 colours and a couple of guides and tries would make this so addictive. I just spend 3 - 4 hours playing around with it just now. Somehow I finally caught the idea of how to solve it. Thought I am not yet 100% sure.

Maybe it's my nature of being someone who likes routines, rules and perfection that makes the mere cube make of plastic and coloured by stickers be so much more addictive than the Epilogue mission I forgot to play in one of my PC games. I just can't stand the cube sitting there in it's stand unsolved. I have to make it all same color.... I must...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Weekends Over...

As predicted my weekend came and gone by faster that I can say the word "Weekend" itself. I spent the whole Saturday afternoon shopping and walking around buying unnecessary things. Oh I bought myself a Rubic's Cube (or Rubix). Always wanted to have one of that. Finally solved it for the first time just now at night. Pretty satisfying feeling.

Anyways after the shopping spree, my friends fetched me back to their place. Pretty neat place I would say. Not a big place but pretty homie and boy do they have lots of stuff to meddle around with. Nintendo Wii (sadly didn't get the chance / don't have the mood to play), a gaming laptop, my own Nintendo DS, so much... too much. Surprisingly when I have so much to choose from I don't have the mood to play. I ended up playing around with the laptop a while and was playing my DS before I went to bed. I guess I am getting too old for these stuffs... soon.

The party was OK I guess. A lot to eat but I am the shy type that I end up eating not as much as I am suppose to *ahem*. But it was fun seeing them playing with the games and stuff. The parents were very sporting indeed. The next day was pretty much a waste of time in their house. Watched Star Dust... again.... for me. But it was pretty good.

You know it's funny that I always thought people actually wakes up like 6am or 7am in their house. As in old people, parents, etc.; I always assume they wake up early. Maybe it's due to the fact that my parents do that like everyday. But seems like most people like to spend their weekends sleeping till later and waking up and relaxing which I think my parents should do once in a while! Anyways, got up pretty early, waited for the rest to wake up, then this guy, I didn't manage to ask who the heck that person was... I am assuming the brother or cousin or something, quite of age looking, but wakes up to watch cartoons on TV. Then later on the rest woke up. And ended up having brunch(I think) of leftovers from lastnight and waited till they going Cyberjaya so that I can catch a ride with them.

Quick and painless weekend I guess. Got my sweet phone. Everything is working fine. I finally manage to configure everything properly today. Including the EDGE and GPRS and MMS and all the crap and also including the software to transfer stuff to and from my PC. Everything is working fine.

Rubik's Cube is evil I tell you. It's somewhat awfully addictive to a certain point. Maybe it's just my nature of being someone who don't like something to be disorganized and "not solved". I ended up watching shows halfway and solving it a little and alternately doing so. Cause my hands... they just felt so itchy... can't stop solving...

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Weekend With My Phone...

Finally I am off the chains of the week days. This week really felt weird. I felt like I was tight up with nothing but air. Kinda hard to explain. But it's this feeling that you get when you know something bad is going to happen and your heart is already racing, you're breathing heavily, clenching your teeth trying to expect something bad to happen. Then the feeling was gone suddenly... Feels weird, feels like I am a paranoid freak.

Weekend is gonna be awesome. This week is my friend's birthday and the girlfriend is like throwing a small party. Sweettt... nah. Not the party. I am not a party guy. Plus it's not going to be one of those crazy party anyways. Sweettt.. cause I am going to see my new phone. Awesome. Finally found a way to actually get it from my friend. Else I wouldn't have know when to meet up and get it. Going to be great. Plus I think I will end up playing lots of games there or something. (Gamer fan's house... what to do)

Personally I don't like birthday parties. Mainly, as someone who is going to something like this I felt kinda bad not bringing anything. And there is like a whole lot of people. I'm not talking about this current party. I am just talking about the past parties and gatherings. After so long and people still don't get it that I am not comfortable with crowds and playing stupid games and doing stupid activities with them. Those so-called activities that just supposedly would gurrantee a more enjoyable party which usually backfires when it doesn't get the proper response from the people who are at the party.

I mean come on... once in a while you get the chance to hang out with people you like and please and comfortable with... you don't wanna be playing silly games. You want some time to catch up on stuff. Listen to people's amazing life stories. Telling lousy lame life stories. Lying about how OK you are. Whatever it may be, I really hate having those silly stuffs in parties and I will never get why they actually included them in parties in the first place.

Maybe that's just me, I don't know. Personally as someone who is pretty average anti-social lifestyle, the moment I get the chance to meet people I am comfortable with, all I wanna do is to catch up on stuff and I don't really care much about how the party is going. I guess I am more of a one to one person or one to a small group person. Oh well... better get ready.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Phone and Tablet

Those are the two things that have been lingering in my mind lately. Phone and tablet. First the phone. Finally after talking with my friend I finally got a good price and today she said my phone was in stock. Wow... now the only problem is getting it from her. Sigh.... so near yet so far. My new phone is going to be Sony Ericsson's W580i Walkman Phone. Sweeettt... The last couple of things I heard from her made me feel like walking there and taking it from her hahaha. She asked "Guess what I am doinggg...". Instantly what came into my mind was the phone have gotten into her hands. Bummer. Another few days before I can get my phone sigh. Paid already though. Hurts a little pressing the Confirm button on my Online Banking account. I am pretty sure it's all worth it.

Next would be a tablet. Lately I've been kinda inspired somehow to work on the artistic part of me. It's rusty I can assure you that. But I am trying my best to get it going again. Recently like I said I had an idea of what I wanted to draw just from having a couple of warmup sessions on paper. But when it got onto the PC, I had a hard time finding the right brush in Photoshop to actually draw the thing. Then it came to me that I wanted a tablet. Not now of course, since I just spent so much. Definately not now. But soon. Planning on getting a small one. Probably the new (not so new) Bamboo Fun by Wacom. According to some source it's been said that this will replace Graphire models. Not sure why or what is the difference. But I know I want one. It's gonna be hard to get use to drawing on a tablet though. Will try my best. Ahhh... I feel all excited already.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Having alternate working day and holiday seems so nice. After working for a day on Monday, today is a public holiday in Selangor. For some reason I felt that I am pretty productive today. Wow... me... productive. Doesn't sound right.

After getting a call yesterday from my old company asking me where should they mail my pay slips, I finally checked my account today and found out that my last pay check has been banked in. I guess that will help me a little with my expenditure this month.

Kinda felt weird waking up late this morning. But after getting up and stoning for a couple of hours, I finally decided to polish up the artistic part of me. For the past couple of weeks, my general art interest have been leaning towards whacky, crazy, funny comics. Generally, something like what you see on Sunday newspaper everyweek.

I have never done warmups before I draw. So basically I did some today by doodling and copying simple stick figures with action and basic shapes of cartoons and to my amazement it kinda helped me go through what I wanted to do today.

I wish I had a tablet or a scanner though. I think it would have made my life a little easier. After getting some general sketches of what I wanted, I straight away drew them in Photoshop. A big thick and jagged though. If I had a tablet I think the lines would have been much smoother. All and all it was successful and I have practically colored probably halfway through. Took me around a couple of hours from start to end. Had to stop when my brain stop working from lack of food in my stomach.

Oh well pretty happy about today. Sigh, I guess back to work tomorrow. Not so happy about that. Wish it was already next week. Then I can go on a holiday again.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Wasted Sunday...

What a slow wasted Sunday. I don't know why I had this urge to try and make a little facelift for the blog. I guess I was just too free. In fact I was finding ways to custom edit the stuffs on the blog. Sadly from the looks of what was behind all this got me a big headache. I officially declare myself hating widgets. I don't understand why they call this "easy" compared to plain old coding. I felt restrained. And I don't like it.

After wasting a couple of hours of trying to read up on widgets, I failed to do any scratch to the blog and finally gave up and find alternatives. It seems most blogging sites don't offer the freedom to manipulate the codes behind the blogs. There are some that just let you manipulate themes and nothing more. Wordpress seems nice but then again if I were to use Wordpress source codes I need my own hosting... I don't think I am that serious yet. Honestly the matter drove me nutz the whole day. And finally I ended up reading some tutorials in doing blog from scratch. A simple one in fact that didn't need coding at all. I know I know... I need hosting for this as well but then I wouldn't say I wanna use it anyways. I guess I just want to feel a certain sense of making my wasted couple of hours worth while. Didn't finish it though. Very long instructions. Oh well...

After all these things, again I found constradictions in myself. I would picture myself as someone who likes routines, I like to be told what to do exactly and rather do the doing part rather than the thinking part. A pawn you might say. But then again when it comes to situation like this, I felt restrained. Unable to change this and that according to my will. Am I a Pawn or am I a King? Though the DIY blog was simple and with the mere use of Apache Server-PHP-MySQL package installer and Macromedia Dreamweaver I was able to simply create one without any effort at all ... except for the reading and finding the correct button part. Then again I felt very irritated but the excessive amount of useless codes behind the blog. You see when you create a project with templates and stuff in Dreamweaver they seem to have a standard that it needs to follow thus creating certain files that are not needed at all. All in all it's messy and full of redundant parts. I wish I could have the patience to explore more and make a completely fully-handcoded one. That would satisfy me.

I guess I won't be giving my blog a facelift after all. Just too troublesome. Unless someone is gonna teach me how, I don't think I can work around with the stupid widgets. Up next, whacky cartoons. Yes yes I am starting to feel like those say-alot-do-very-little people. Hah... I notice that. But what to do? I am a person who easily get bored.


Just a quickie before I go to bed. Went for my usual trip out today and everything was just fine. Until, the trip back when the bus driver trying to be a punk or just plain dumb. On the way back home, two international students, girls, got on at the Tesco bus stop. I was reading my magazine, ignoring everything around me but still keeping myself fully aware of what is happening around me. One of the girl dropped in a RM5 note and got two tickets (each one is suppose to cost RM2) and expected change so she asked "Change?" and I don't know whether it was a bad day or the driver was busy chatting with his girlfriend or whoever that lady sitting behind him is but he replied shouting "Can wait? Cannot wait? Cannot wait gimme back those tickets". I was like WTF. But then again I don't want matters to go worse I just ignore it and continue reading my magazine. Somehow I got lost here. Something happened. Maybe the girls heard only the "...gimme back the tickets" part or something... they said "OK". Uh-oh baddddd... I was expecting them to say "OK we wait for the change" but instead now it's "OK I give you the tickets and I am stopping now". So the driver actually stopped the bus at the next stop and demanded the tickets and tried to fish the RM5 back out and asked the girls to go down. A bit over reacting don't you think? But anyhow all in all long story short, they wasted RM1 since they just don't care anymore and wanted to go home they just said "It's OK" and the journey continued like after a couple of minutes. What a waste of time.

Then some foreign workers come in when we reached Cyberjaya and it suddenly came up in my mind the thing I have been meaning to ask. Where the heck did they get those t-shirts? You see it's been numerous time that I have seen foregin workers with MMU's faculties, clubs and events t-shirts. I am serious. I even saw a Cyber Christmas t-shirt worn by them before (lost mine before, think wore it like once, maybe one of them? hmmm) and a few MMU related t-shirts. Weird...

Finally a few ideas came to me today, one of it is, being so kiasu (scared of losing) I am thinking of a total revamp of the site or actually more of a facelift? The articles in the magazine kinda caught my attention. They look interesting. Wonder if I can make a blog look like a newspaper or magazine article. Hmmm... with columns, pictures and stuff. Oh well, time will tell.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Memories of P.E.

Ahhh what a busy week (not) I didn't get to even write anything. I guess there is no hurry since no one is reading this anyways. Hah. Anyways, little update doesn't hurt. Work is moderately busy, been sick for the past couple of days. Been having dry cough and phlegm. I can actually cough till my phlegm is brown colored showing that my throat is tearing apart from all the coughing. Most probably an infection in the throat like last time too. Who knows? Since I didn't actually go to a doctor in the end. But after two or three days of superbly early and long bedtime, it subsided and now I only cough once in a while. Goodie.

I am trying to keep all my post short but somehow after finish writing something there always seem to be something more to write. No my dear that is not passion of writing so don't give me that reason hah. I guess there is just so much in my mind lately. Every little detail leads to another new thing and the new thing seems to lead to another new thing and the next thing you know it's almost a whole chapter.

Anyways I was washing my laundry just now and I suddenly recalled my schooling time during the P.E. periods. For someone who don't do sports that much (at all currently!) I am pretty surprised I kinda missed it, especially during my secondary school times. I remembered that we had two P.E. teachers who took turned to torture take care of us. If I remember correctly one of them was the coach for the state or national football team. Don't remember which. But yeah...

The only thing in the mind of the whole bunch of us all the time when it's time for P.E. is football. I don't know why but that was always in the mind. The moment we reached the field, those who are really very serious about it will actually straight go to the store and get all the footballs out. And like every rash attempts, we end up being scolded cause according to the teacher we AREN'T playing football that day. LOL.

I still remember all the torturous interesting activities we get to do during P.E. One of it is running. Yes plain old running. Because the school is in a plot of land surrounded by roads on all four sides, we were fortunate enough to have walkway at the side. It's also used for Taekwondo grading test, but that's another story. Anyways there was this one day the teacher said run one lap around the school and we get to play football. Everyone's eyes shone with enthusiasm and when the whistle was blown everyone ran like a mad dog and finish it pretty fast if I remembered. Everyone was huffing and puffing. Then the teacher said "Good, now this time run under 15minutes" and blew the whistle. I still can remember the shocked face in all of us.

Besides football, there were quite a few sports that the teacher always like to torture us with... cause it's his favorites. One was rugby and another was volleyball. Yes for someone like me I actually played both of it as well. Rugby of course we didn't go and tackle the living shit out of our friends but a mere touch rugby, meaning if you touch the guy holding the ball the guy have to pass it. That's the basic idea. Pretty interesting.

Next come his I suppose personal favorite, Volleyball. I got beaten in the hand before when I was playing this hahaha. With a stick. On my arm. We were learning to do a forearm pass or bump or dig or whatever it was called. So basically we always come into contact with the ball at the wrong position of the hand and he will get a stick and hit us (not hard by the way) on our forearm and tell us "You see this red spot? That is where you are suppose to hit the ball with". Ouch.

OK I promise this is the last paragraph. Besides this we actually have "unofficial games" that we play during our Moral Studies. Yes we play around during a couple of the Moral Study sessions cause the teachers are too busy. I won't explain all cause that is another post. But one of it is something like futsal. But we played it with either a tennis ball or a fruit which translated from hokkien is called "Rat Fruit". Its a smooth on the outside but fibrous on the inside fruit that supposedly if you cut in half and put in your house it can chase away rats. Never tried before. But the trees are around the school so we got a good supply of it. And I remember they.... yes I don't join them in this kind of stuff. Too risky for my reputation at school. That's another story. Anyways I remember they always get caught by the ferocious Math teacher who will check their backs, if they are sweating like pigs, confirmed that they were actually playing in the hall and will smack them with a textbook on their backs and ask them to stay outside till they are dry hahaha. Ahh those were the days.

Monday, December 3, 2007


Tonight I feel a bit lonely, reminds me of the thoughts I had when I was in One Utama last weekend. It's already December and everyone is getting ready with the decorations and stuff. I don't know why, call me a Grinch but I kinda don't really like Christmas that much. Reminds me a lot of how happy everyone is and how miserable I am. Hah.

That day was a Sunday. There were a lot of people. Parents and kids waking up early and going out together for early breakfast at the shop selling overpriced nyonya delicacies. Yet it still bothers me that there is a line there waiting to give their orders and pay for the kuih they took. Worst still I was in the line carrying a small portion of Bihun Siam wrapped in banana leaves and ordering a cup of coffee. What a disgrace...

As I was munching down my food I see lots of happy faces passing by me. I felt a little uneasy. the feeling I had, how should I explain it. Well imagine kids holding hands with their parents smiling, enjoying themselves, the sense of having a great time with someone close. Everything is all white, bright and dreamy. And there right next to the nyonya delicacy shop, there is this table, sat a man, alone, all dark and gloomy, couldn't move an inch, no, in some ways he didn't dare to move. He fears that any slight mistakes he did would ruin the happiness around him... he fears that one day his hands might move by themselves and grab hold of someone smiling happily... a kid and snap the poor kid into two... OK my story is getting sick.

But then I did sense a hint of hatred and jealousy and disappointment. At the same time I was quite comfortable being alone. Being the shadows among men. If not for the light men wouldn't know that they have shadows. Anyways OK I didn't think of snapping the kid into two but then there is always this impression that everyone is walking in slow motion, happily and you are the only one in normal speed, grinding on your own teeth and biting your lips seeing all the happiness hahaha. Maybe that's just me.

"what is human? — nothing but a being of malice and misery"
Malice Mizer

Memories of School...

There seem to be a lot of stuff in my mind just now but now I can't think of any. Funny... feels like my mind is making me look like a fool or something. Oh yeah, went dinner just now at the new place. There is this set of buildings that had this "Coming Soon" sign since for ages, a year or two before my graduation it was already there. So roughly a couple of years already and it wasn't open until a couple months ago. Decided to look around there. Found out there is a Max Kitchen there. Surprised by it. Judging from the lettering and stuff it looks like the same Max Kitchen I keep encountering in food blogs everywhere. Suppose to be pretty good. Then again it's not my kinda place. Probably once every year or something I MIGHT go to that kind of place but then... too modern-adult-ish place. Bleh.

I guess it's a good time to recall my past again. School, looking through my nephew's homework given by the kindergarten teacher kinda reminds me of the time when I was in kindergarten. Seriously, the level is so so much different compared to my time. They are doing subtraction, addition, counting up to high numbers, English, Malay, Chinese languages, Science! and a lot more. All I ever remember about my kindergarten is my nice Indian teacher. Wonder if she is still around. Should be pretty old by now. She used to sit at the desk, taking tonnes and tonnes of paper and stamping cute figures on the paper and letting us color them. Yup, that's seriously the only thing I remembered about kindergarten... coloring stamped figures. I do remember counting and ABC and stuff but not that advance compared to my nephew's.

I had friends there surprisingly. But then again mixing with them were practically just left at school/kindergarten. Anything after school usually relates to my family or study. I don't mix much outside of school. Probably cause I never really ride my bike around like I am suppose to. Probably I was already slowly developing my anti-social attitude without me realizing it.

I remember my dad used to be very furious that I refused to greet people and say thank you. Hah. I am OK with my friends and classmates. They are nice and surprisingly we mixed a lot and we didn't bother who is Chinese who is Indian or who is Malay (although I recall mixing a lot of Malays during my secondary school since most Chinese at that time were from Chinese school and I can't speak mandarin at all *ahem*). But right as the school bell rings every ties I have just breaks and I am back at home, doing my work, watching my TV, kitchen with mom, gardening with mom, jogging with dad, whacked by dad (LOL), etc.

I have to admit school times were great. Though I wish I was more active though. A little regret. Could have gone to more camps during my primary school Scout's activities. Could have gone to more tournaments during my secondary school Taekwondo years. But all have passed and I don't think I should regret too much about it. I missed the competitive nature of school at that time. Not to say I am smart or anything *ahem* I guess I was kinda "forced" to be smart by my parents. Hahaha. And not to mention my school rivals. Ughhh... always fighting over who is top student in the class Hahaha.

There is only a few very tough challengers around. I remember during my primary school there were like 2 - 3 girls and 2 - 3 guys. So basically we fight around for higher grades. Hmmm... why do I sound like a nerd hahaha. But it was fun, the joy of bringing back my report card to show my results and not have to "fixed" them *ahem* hahaha. I admit I did it once. That's all.

I remember I failed once. My history test. I am pretty sure I pass the rest if not A's and B's *bragging* hahaah. But I can slowly see my mind is deteriorating or something. Primary school I was excellent, secondary school my parents start giving me the "At least you got a B" talks and in University I get the "At least you passed" talks. It's not something to be proud of. I wish I could have done better. Makes me feel like the black sheep of the family. My brother and sister were good during they later years but I am the only one who deteriorate. Study too much maybe?

I am sure it's not that since I only study like an hour a day. Then later on if I am not mistaken 2 hours... at most. I can't study very long. Lack of attention. I will start looking under my table, sharpen my pencil, drink water, bla bla bla. But I guess that helped a lot somehow. Wish I could have done better especially during my University years. Life full of regrets. Hahaha no fun at all.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Growing Up...

My roomie's shocking (not so) news about shifting have made me think more about my expenditure for the past few days. Initially I was and am still deciding to take the room for myself. Then again, the rent is a little steep. Assuming I am unable to reduce it somehow, I feel that I have to sacrifice a lot every month just to save a couple of hundred bucks. I guess that is just part of growing up and ascending to the next phase of my life.

Well, I manage to get a rough estimation of how much I save per month, roughly, RM500. Is that a lot? I don't know. I wonder how much people save a month. Hmmm... Anyways, I made a couple of assumptions to get that figure that includes a couple of sacrifices and excluding luxuries that might cause a bit more once in a while.

I assume that everyday I would be eating RM15, which is not really true since I on average only consume roughly around RM10. But I am counting worst case scenario here. Besides that I minus out RM420 for rent (yes that is why I said it's steep, ouch, but anything for the chicks ROFL... kidding). RM100 for my bills (doubt it reach that much). Thinking of changing to prepaid which would save me a lot. This assumption is based on RM50 for Utilities and RM50 for phone bills. Besides that I am assuming I am going out for fun every twice a month, which includes movies (RM20 for two movies a month), transport (RM6 per month), extra food expenditure and other monthly food stuff like fruits and coffee (RM150).

That is what I am currently paying. Still, embarrassingly, I have to admit I haven't been paying my parents that much yet and it have been going on and off without any stability the past year since the pay for old job was not fixed. But I am expecting myself to be paying RM200 each month to them... hopefully. They won't ask for it but yeah the silence is like small sharp knives poking me from the back. I feel the pressure and guilt hahaha. Anyways that is it. From all that I assume I am getting roughly RM500 a month to save. Wonder if that is a good figure. Hmmm... I haven't include insurance which I might get in the future.

There is just so much in my mind right now, budget, work, life, physical health, mental health(LOL) and much more. And honestly it's been bugging me a lot lately. To tell you the truth, I am not the kind of person who likes to plan for the future that much. I mean sure I do think a lot and plan a lot. But usually it's about things that are probably around a month before at most. I don't really think about am I going to be working on the same job in the next 10 years, am I planning to have a family in a couple of years time, you get the picture. I know these things are important to me around this time of life but it doesn't seem to bother me at the moment.

Somehow, lately it's been clear to me that I am always in the middle of everything and never able to or want to in some cases, to take any sides of matters. Friends, there is never a so-so friend around me and there is also never a good friend around me that is very close to me. The way I think, I am someone who is very analytical and likes to think and plan a lot to ensure that everything goes on well but at the same time I am someone who likes a life of freedom and a spontaneous lifestyle. I like math when I was in school but as a hobby I am kinda interested in art. But was never excel in any side. I consider myself to be obsessive compulsive at times but from the looks of my room I don't think so. I also consider myself to be in constant sadness and disappointment but somehow I dislike big crowds and refuse to mix around when I have the chance. You can't say I totally suck at what I do, but you can't say I excel in anything at all. I can't think of anything that would represent me well enough to make it such that when my name is mentioned the first thing that comes to mind would be THAT. You can say I am a walking contradiction or rather the moderate-on-the-fence-oh-I-don't-know-which-side-to-drop-on guy.

To be honest I am a little sick of this. It's been bugging me for a while. I don't like it. I would rather sacrifice being not good at something and excel on another. I would assume my life would be much clearer that way. In truth I know anything and I know none. I have to admit it's kinda frustrating. It's a bit hard to explain how it feels like. It's like you pick a pencil, you know you have the motivation to draw out something, the idea is there, mojo is working, but somehow nothing good ever comes out on the paper... if it actually comes out at all! Seriously I need guidance.

I seem to always have two sides of things. I like artistic stuff and at the same time I like analytical stuff. I like objective straight-in-the-face stuff I also like subjective abstract stuff. I am starting to feel frustrated about my life. I am hoping for one of the path in my life to shine just a little to show me that that is the way home. Life is just meaningless without a shiny route that calls to you to come home with a little meaning with you.