Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Forgot again...

I really need to remind myself to take note of what I am suppose to write. I remembered I had something really great to write about like this afternoon but now I totally can't remember what it was. I guess a little update won't hurt.

Finally got a confirmed job and I have already sent out my resignation letter. Pretty much everything is settled and I am ready to go off on the 21st. The catch is, I am going back there on 7th to 9th to help out. Being the guy who is always *ahem* soft hearted, I guess I pity them for not having anybody to cover the public holiday on that time. Sigh I wish my cruelness shows at this kind of time. Anyways new job starts on the middle of next month so I am having plenty of time for me to go home and settle some of my important stuffs at home.

OK, now I remember what I wanted to write about. See, this afternoon I suddenly recalled a couple of horror stories I read when I was young. OK... they are not really horror, probably horror is a too strong of a word for them. I guess thriller would be better? Anyways, I can't seem to recall where are those books. I mean it's been a long time since I saw it. It's one of those picture books, something like 'ladybug books'. Yeah, been a fan of thriller and horror stories since young (what a weirdo) but then again if I read it I will have extra scenes in my oh-so-creative mind starring me and the boogey-man, let's just say I won't have a pleasant time for the rest of the day. Even now I like thrillers and horror stories, movies, etc. But the after effect is there. I will always feel uneasy as if 'something' is there. Oh and by the way, I did see 'something' that day. I swear it. I don't know what it was, but I saw something. As you might know (or not) my desk and PC is by the window, nice wind, away from glare, nice. So this one night it was pretty late and I was watching something on my PC and then suddenly from the side of my eye I saw something outside my window swooping by super fast but silently. It shocked me a while and I seriously dare not look out at that time (Yes I am scarie cat). So basically I just try not to think about it. No problem sleeping. Still I wonder what it was. Too fast to be a light garbage. It was practically speeding passed my window. Hmmm...

Anyhow back to the books. I am pretty amazed how much I read when I was small. Though they were kiddish at some point. People might be reading Enid Blyton books I was reading short stories. Big deal. But the stories I read were somewhat important in a way and well known. Heck I think kids these day seldom get to read those well known stories and nursery rhymes I read when I was young. Some examples would be Aesop's Fables. Yes I know the stories are still out there but then again do they know it's from Aesop's Fables? Another would be by Grimm Brothers. A lot of people don't know that this two German brothers published a lot of well known folk tales and fairy tales that are still well known till today. Yes they published Cinderella, Rapunzel and Snow White. Though I think their version was a bit erm... how should we say... Rated? Yes a bit not suitable for kids. Anyways there were so many well known stuffs that kids are missing these days. Seriously if they want something extra they can even go for Edgar Allen Poe. I still remember I had this small pocket books with a collection of his stories. Heck I still remember some of the stories which include The Gold-Bug, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Black Cat, The Fall of the House of Usher (not the singer), Masque of the Red Death, Eleonora, and his famous poem The Raven. OK that was too many but yeah that was some of the famous ones.

If people want thriller and horror stories, they can actually go for even Alice in Wonderland. Yes I said it correctly, Alice in Wonderland, provided it's the original or not-so-edited version. Even Snow White was a pretty freaky story. If you search online, the original version didn't really end with the happily ever after thing. It ended with the step mother being punished for her wicked ways by forcing her to dance till she fell down dead from wearing a pair of heated iron shoes. Crazy huh?

In fact over the years I have wondered why most of these stories, folk tales, fairy tales and nursery rhymes which is full of scary stuff end up in CHILDREN books anyways. I mean seriously, take nursery rhymes, Humpty Dumpty -- had a great fall; Can't put Humpty together again, London Bridge is Falling Down (if you see the full version you will see what I mean), Three Blind Mice -- cut their tails with a carving knife, Rock-a-bye Baby -- and down will come baby, cradle and all and lots more I am too lazy to mention. Hahaha.

Oh well I guess I got quite a decent amount of things to write even though I forgot what I was suppose to write in the first place. I am sure it wasn't about that storybook thing. I will write about it if I remember it on another day. Bleh...

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Cut Off...

Sigh... it might not sound good to you, but it sounded good to me. I don't know how to explain and I don't intend to crack my head over it. Somehow today I felt fed up. Finally I felt fed up and it felt good.

Personally I shouldn't even be caring about this anymore. Time after time I said I wanted to stop caring about nonsense like this. But hey.. it always gives me a jab or two once in a while and makes me feel even further from everyone. Right now I feel like half way around the world from everyone. Heck if I place everyone half way around the world it wouldn't make much of a difference.

I hate it when I tell people things they would reply "then engage with society". I don't know why everyone have the same impression that I don't want to mix around. Hello people, it doesn't work like that. I don't even know why am I explaining. All and all it might have made better sense to say "then let society engage me".

I am off for the rest of the week, month, I don't know. Not going to be around. I don't care anymore. One last thing "I think your life is much better than mine". I hate this place. I hate everyone. Sometimes I just felt so jealous of all of you it really did make me sick.
F**k this place.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Stretched to Oblivion...

There is so much feeling in me sometimes it feels as though I might just explode in to a million pieces. My mind just gets confused wondering whether I should be happy for certain sad occasions or should I be sad on certain happy occasions. All this time I have always felt that the world is somehow against me. Maybe it's not like that. Maybe it's just me. But it's getting harder and harder to deny. As time passes by the signs grew. I wouldn't say that there is nothing good that happen in my life. But nowadays there is just an equal or sometimes more bad things that happens to me. Sometimes it feels as though I am stretched to the point where I am torn to two. Good things just doesn't feel so good anymore when it's part of the things that is tearing me apart.

Been worried that I would be left behind in the place I worked. Everyone that I cared about have already made plans on leaving and already gotten a job. I was desperate. But luckily last Friday I got news that I got the job I asked for. Good news right? Finally found one. Feels great. But somehow having no one to celebrate with or enjoy the news with for at least 10 minutes of my life just makes my heart sink rock bottom. Feels like I've been lifted up from the ground to a very high place and dropped down with such extreme force. I hit the ground hard. Why do I feel so sad? Feels as though no one cares anymore. Should I still care? I am beginning to convince myself that I shouldn't. Why bother having good things when I can't share?

A lot of people I know thinks they are having crummy days and bad days. What they don't know is at the end of the day they go back to something great. A meal with friends. Meeting up with them. Meeting friends they haven't seen for a while. Sounds of cheer and laughter. Feels so nostalgic to me. I once had that but now I come back to nothing. I wanted to ask why but I can't seem to find the reason. Maybe the reason lies hidden from my senses. Maybe it lies somewhere among my friends. I don't know or rather I don't dare to know. I can tell you straight in the face I come back to nothing everyday. Whether I have a good day or bad day, each days ends as though someone hiding behind my door and smashing my face onto the floor the instant I come in. Always felt jealous of you guys. Always had always will.

When you guys fall there is always someone to pick you up. When you feel sad there is always someone to cheer you up. When in need there is always someone to help you. When in pain there is always someone who use even their own body to shield you. What a wonderful life. It almost felt like heaven to me. Heaven. Maybe that is where you guys came from. Though I wish many many times, pray if you might say for the well being of you guys, I can't help but have a little negative feelings towards you guys. I wish I didn't have to. But I did at times. Jealousy, anger, sadness, disappointment, I felt it all.

I wish I could keep a little more of these feelings. I kept it my whole life. I feel as if I am going to explode. Sometimes it just feels good to express my feelings. Sometimes I feel like shouting out to you guys "Go back to heaven and enjoy yourselves! This is earth, this is where I suffer. I don't want to see you enjoy yourselves. Cause it makes me sick". Am I being harsh and unfair? I don't think so. Not till you feel how I feel.

Kind of reminds me the time when a friend once told me. "When people sick, there always seem to be people taking care of them, buy food for them, heck even cook for them. When we are sick, we took panadol and go to bed". Life is just so cruel ain't it brother?