Stretched to Oblivion...

There is so much feeling in me sometimes it feels as though I might just explode in to a million pieces. My mind just gets confused wondering whether I should be happy for certain sad occasions or should I be sad on certain happy occasions. All this time I have always felt that the world is somehow against me. Maybe it's not like that. Maybe it's just me. But it's getting harder and harder to deny. As time passes by the signs grew. I wouldn't say that there is nothing good that happen in my life. But nowadays there is just an equal or sometimes more bad things that happens to me. Sometimes it feels as though I am stretched to the point where I am torn to two. Good things just doesn't feel so good anymore when it's part of the things that is tearing me apart.


Been worried that I would be left behind in the place I worked. Everyone that I cared about have already made plans on leaving and already gotten a job. I was desperate. But luckily last Friday I got news that I got the job I asked for. Good news right? Finally found one. Feels great. But somehow having no one to celebrate with or enjoy the news with for at least 10 minutes of my life just makes my heart sink rock bottom. Feels like I've been lifted up from the ground to a very high place and dropped down with such extreme force. I hit the ground hard. Why do I feel so sad? Feels as though no one cares anymore. Should I still care? I am beginning to convince myself that I shouldn't. Why bother having good things when I can't share?


A lot of people I know thinks they are having crummy days and bad days. What they don't know is at the end of the day they go back to something great. A meal with friends. Meeting up with them. Meeting friends they haven't seen for a while. Sounds of cheer and laughter. Feels so nostalgic to me. I once had that but now I come back to nothing. I wanted to ask why but I can't seem to find the reason. Maybe the reason lies hidden from my senses. Maybe it lies somewhere among my friends. I don't know or rather I don't dare to know. I can tell you straight in the face I come back to nothing everyday. Whether I have a good day or bad day, each days ends as though someone hiding behind my door and smashing my face onto the floor the instant I come in. Always felt jealous of you guys. Always had always will.


When you guys fall there is always someone to pick you up. When you feel sad there is always someone to cheer you up. When in need there is always someone to help you. When in pain there is always someone who use even their own body to shield you. What a wonderful life. It almost felt like heaven to me. Heaven. Maybe that is where you guys came from. Though I wish many many times, pray if you might say for the well being of you guys, I can't help but have a little negative feelings towards you guys. I wish I didn't have to. But I did at times. Jealousy, anger, sadness, disappointment, I felt it all.


I wish I could keep a little more of these feelings. I kept it my whole life. I feel as if I am going to explode. Sometimes it just feels good to express my feelings. Sometimes I feel like shouting out to you guys "Go back to heaven and enjoy yourselves! This is earth, this is where I suffer. I don't want to see you enjoy yourselves. Cause it makes me sick". Am I being harsh and unfair? I don't think so. Not till you feel how I feel.


Kind of reminds me the time when a friend once told me. "When people sick, there always seem to be people taking care of them, buy food for them, heck even cook for them. When we are sick, we took panadol and go to bed". Life is just so cruel ain't it brother?