Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Heroes and Me

Lately since I have been having sleepless nights, I have been watching a lot of Heroes (or is it the other way around?). Kind of got hooked on it after watching like one or two. It's not that the story is interesting or anything, Well it is but that is not the reason why I am continuously watching it. But rather I think I am beginning to become more of a perfectionist?(or rather it be obsessive-compulsive disorder?). I don't know. But I just felt like I have to COMPLETELY finish it somehow. There were two things weird about the show. Firstly it gives me a chill or a shiver sometimes. I don't know why but something about the story at times give me that feeling. Secondly if you have this in CD/DVD rewatch it and you will notice that there is a specific model handgun that appears a lot in the show. No it's not a glock but I don't know. It appears a lot. Not much to tell, who doesn't know the series Heroes?


Despite having so much to do lately, my life have seemed to be emptier by the minute. Feels like I've been "grown" in one place and "plucked" and stored in a whole new place. So strange and unfamiliar to me. Those people I used to know now seems like mere strangers. It's funny how you think you know everyone around you well enough to boast about it but then again in the end they left you on your knees with your mouth and eyes wide opened to show the facial expression of shocked. Shocked of knowing how little you knew about the people around you.


After the shock has calmed the after effect begins with a blame game. Who is to blame when ones you know so well and care so dearly about seems like stranger now? When the only sentences that pops up in your mind are "Hi" and "How are you?" and followed by the akward silence between two people.


Funny how I like to blame others usually. Can't blame it. I've tried to connect and change for you again and again, to improve to make myself fit in nicely in the habitat called you. Yet I struggled in each attempt and bite my lips till it bled showing the frustration of failure. Scream heard miles away. Tears starts to form. What a waste of energy, no matter how strong the scream and cry were, I was crying in front of deaf and blind, I was crying in front of you.


Lack the energy to stand up and climb forward to catch up with you, I lie down waiting for time to eat me up. I know my time is coming and it will be soon. I told Him "Lets get it over with, I have nothing more to lose, I have no remorse or regret, all I was is everyone else to be happy and that makes me happy".


Time is ticking so loudly near my ear. Every tick of a second it seems like apart of me just disappeared. Not so long ago my emotion disappeared. I feel so plain and emotionless. I know I should be feeling sad right now. I know this is the time when I am suppose to cry out loud. I know this is the time when I feel depressed when all of you are pretending to be deaf and blind. Feel so betrayed. Feel so alone.


Again the question of who to blame keeps popping up in my mind. Should I point the gun at myself or should I fill myself with hatred and point it at you or should I point it upwards? I came upon one of you the other day, finally after trying so hard I get to finally communicate with you. You say you were busy with this and that and I believe you. You have already state your reasons what more can you do? What more can I do? Everyone has a purpose in life. I can't blame you. Or rather I don't have the guts the do so.


I know I have hurt so many. I have tainted the canvas called friendship a couple of times. It's something that even He can't erase. Kind of reminds me of what one of you used to say "Forgiven but not forgotten". Heh. Kind of true. Everyone holds a grudge against another. Even though they said they have forgiven you, the tainted canvas will smack you in the face when the time comes.


But do you even know the times you hurt me? The time when I cried out loud, the time when I just need someone to pass a conversation to, the time when just seeing you face to face would have melted all this away yet you weren't there. And it slowly grows strong in me. It eats me up inside. Unable to mend it I fear that I won't be long. The only thing I fear is when I am gone, you still don't realize that you were part of the problem. You were part of what is to blame. You live a carefree life, you are living your life. And here I am wasting mine, ending at the Chapter 1. Such a waste. Everyone has a purpose in life, and mine was to end it all silently and forgotten. That's how everyone prefer it right? At least that's what it looks like from my point of view. Maybe you should come here and take a look.

4 comments:

hoydenmel said...

one day i'll write a book about you.
you remind me of the guys from Stranger Than Fiction.
One day, you'll live. You'll find your Muse.
=)
and i'll be beaming. cause you made it through LIFE.
*hugz*

Anonymous said...

why not you just stop at at "one day i'll write a book" first? And when it really does happen then you add the "about you" part? heheheh

hoydenmel said...

provoke me pulak.

nemind i'll start with an short story blog

X[

Mr. Phobic said...

Hahah... well I am motivating you. See you might start sooner than if I didn't say it right?