Haven't write for quite a while. Partly I was too busy partly I just didn't feel like writing. I don't know you decide. I guess a little update on what's going on is necessary. I put my resignation letter on the 9th last month (October) and after cutting out my oh-so-a-lot of annual leaves, I manage to cut short my one month notice and was able to stop working on 25th last month. That was the initial plan but being the caring person that I am *ahem* I decided to work for the company during the public holiday on 7th to 9th this month... and have a long break before I do that. I started my holiday on 21st last month and was on holiday till 7th, worked for 3 days and then another week of break before my new job.
Spent around 2 days here before leaving for home. I didn't want to waste time as there were tonnes to do at home. I sure missed my family. For the past couple of days before I go back I dreamed about my family a lot. Everytime I sleep. I had a relaxing a week or so of holiday with my family. Sadly to say this was only the icing on top of a garbage pile waiting to surprise me. For some reason my dad felt like going to visit my brother in Singapore since I was around. Guess when is it? Correct... 7th till 11th. Which is roughly around the time I had to go back to the old company and work. BAM! Straight in the face. Ugh I really regret being nice. Seriously. But since I already promise them I didn't go for the Singapore trip. Sad case.
The one week plus went by superbly fast and I was back in Cyberjaya. Worked for the 3 days in the old company. Didn't feel fatigue or tired or bored. 3 days went by in a breeze and I broke away from the company for good (except I have to go take my last pay check this end of the month). Anyhow, I had another week or so of holiday before I start my new job.
Started to feel the pressure. I felt that I was a little rusty and started reading some books regarding my new job. I guess it was a way for me to feel a bit more comfortable and confident about the new post I am taking (though I doubt I learned anything). So last Friday I went to report myself at the HR and went to the new place to work... or rather sit there doing nothing for the rest of the day. They provided me with a PC and a place; met a few familiar faces there and basically that's about it for the whole day. Thank God it was Friday. That leads to two sucky weekends which is yesterday and today.
I was already very excited and can't wait to watch Beowulf. It premiered on Thursday and I was getting excited and decided to watch on this weekend. Sadly to say, to my surprise, I couldn't get myself to go. I don't know why. I was disturbed by something for the past two nights. I felt lonely again. You know those moments where you just felt that tremendous urge to talk to someone even though it's going to be just "Hey what about the weather today huh? Pfftt...". I felt the need to share with people how I felt, heck I just felt like talking to someone that's about anything, I didn't care, just wanted to do so.
But whenever I open my Yahoo! Messenger, I felt like I was looking at an empty list (even though it was more than a page long of people online), whenever I reach for my phone and unlocking my keys, my fingers were already reaching for the locking keys again. It struck me, have I lost the ability to communicate with fellow human beings? Have I become what I feared, a lonely old shadow that follows through time without people noticing me? Or is it because the right person isn't there to listen to what I have to say? Nevertheless I felt it in those two nights. It's those feelings which I always relate to as being in a dark room and seeing the distance between me and the people I know grew further and further. A little terrifying.
Talking about nights, I swear I encountered something freaky again the night before. I woke up around 4 in the morning and in my sleepy state I heard "Psssttt.. psttttt" coming from the window. Almost sounded like someone calling. For you info, there is nothing out the window except 11 floors downward. I took a peek or two but didn't see anything and went back to bed. Scary.
Oh yeah. Something has been bothering me too. How people reacted towards my new job. I know some of you actually supported me and was happy for me. Besides being my own decision to change for a better future, I did change cause I was kind of sick of everyone asking me why I haven't leave that half-a$$ job yet and why I don't think about my future and why don't I was a better paying job and more challenging job. I got sick and threw the letter on the desk and left finally. In a way that was to shut everyone up somehow. But somehow it didn't. There are still a couple of people left who are bugging me. I am not saying it's a bad thing. I just felt a little offended. I got a new job, it's not the best in the world, it might not even be in you Top 100 List, but it was my choice, I felt happy with it and it was an improvement from my last job. Why can't you guys be happy for me? What is with all the questions about why I didn't leave Cyberjaya and why did I choose to work THERE? In a way it make me feel like I have made the wrong choice somehow and didn't meet their expectation. I know I am not suppose to do things according to people's expectations but somehow I want to truthfully say, it offended me. I know you all were concerned over me and meant only good things to happen to me, but couldn't you guys at least respect my decision and support me a little? I mean I am sure I supported you guys when you guys made crucial decisions in your lifetime. Why can't you do the same for me?
I said it once and I will say it again. You guys weren't there when I needed people around me to support me. It sometimes make me wonder whether the 4 years was even worth it. It makes me wondered have I wasted my trust all this while. All I needed was a congratulation, that would even make me feel a bit better that what I feel now. Sometimes you guys make me so sick and full of regrets that I've chosen to live in solitude. Don't blame me for who I am cause you don't have a right to do so and I know the reason wasn't just because of me...
And for those who supported me I thank you cause you have made me feel much better. If it weren't for you guys I don't know how I would have been.
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