Growing Up...

My roomie's shocking (not so) news about shifting have made me think more about my expenditure for the past few days. Initially I was and am still deciding to take the room for myself. Then again, the rent is a little steep. Assuming I am unable to reduce it somehow, I feel that I have to sacrifice a lot every month just to save a couple of hundred bucks. I guess that is just part of growing up and ascending to the next phase of my life.


Well, I manage to get a rough estimation of how much I save per month, roughly, RM500. Is that a lot? I don't know. I wonder how much people save a month. Hmmm... Anyways, I made a couple of assumptions to get that figure that includes a couple of sacrifices and excluding luxuries that might cause a bit more once in a while.


I assume that everyday I would be eating RM15, which is not really true since I on average only consume roughly around RM10. But I am counting worst case scenario here. Besides that I minus out RM420 for rent (yes that is why I said it's steep, ouch, but anything for the chicks ROFL... kidding). RM100 for my bills (doubt it reach that much). Thinking of changing to prepaid which would save me a lot. This assumption is based on RM50 for Utilities and RM50 for phone bills. Besides that I am assuming I am going out for fun every twice a month, which includes movies (RM20 for two movies a month), transport (RM6 per month), extra food expenditure and other monthly food stuff like fruits and coffee (RM150).


That is what I am currently paying. Still, embarrassingly, I have to admit I haven't been paying my parents that much yet and it have been going on and off without any stability the past year since the pay for old job was not fixed. But I am expecting myself to be paying RM200 each month to them... hopefully. They won't ask for it but yeah the silence is like small sharp knives poking me from the back. I feel the pressure and guilt hahaha. Anyways that is it. From all that I assume I am getting roughly RM500 a month to save. Wonder if that is a good figure. Hmmm... I haven't include insurance which I might get in the future.


There is just so much in my mind right now, budget, work, life, physical health, mental health(LOL) and much more. And honestly it's been bugging me a lot lately. To tell you the truth, I am not the kind of person who likes to plan for the future that much. I mean sure I do think a lot and plan a lot. But usually it's about things that are probably around a month before at most. I don't really think about am I going to be working on the same job in the next 10 years, am I planning to have a family in a couple of years time, you get the picture. I know these things are important to me around this time of life but it doesn't seem to bother me at the moment.


Somehow, lately it's been clear to me that I am always in the middle of everything and never able to or want to in some cases, to take any sides of matters. Friends, there is never a so-so friend around me and there is also never a good friend around me that is very close to me. The way I think, I am someone who is very analytical and likes to think and plan a lot to ensure that everything goes on well but at the same time I am someone who likes a life of freedom and a spontaneous lifestyle. I like math when I was in school but as a hobby I am kinda interested in art. But was never excel in any side. I consider myself to be obsessive compulsive at times but from the looks of my room I don't think so. I also consider myself to be in constant sadness and disappointment but somehow I dislike big crowds and refuse to mix around when I have the chance. You can't say I totally suck at what I do, but you can't say I excel in anything at all. I can't think of anything that would represent me well enough to make it such that when my name is mentioned the first thing that comes to mind would be THAT. You can say I am a walking contradiction or rather the moderate-on-the-fence-oh-I-don't-know-which-side-to-drop-on guy.


To be honest I am a little sick of this. It's been bugging me for a while. I don't like it. I would rather sacrifice being not good at something and excel on another. I would assume my life would be much clearer that way. In truth I know anything and I know none. I have to admit it's kinda frustrating. It's a bit hard to explain how it feels like. It's like you pick a pencil, you know you have the motivation to draw out something, the idea is there, mojo is working, but somehow nothing good ever comes out on the paper... if it actually comes out at all! Seriously I need guidance.


I seem to always have two sides of things. I like artistic stuff and at the same time I like analytical stuff. I like objective straight-in-the-face stuff I also like subjective abstract stuff. I am starting to feel frustrated about my life. I am hoping for one of the path in my life to shine just a little to show me that that is the way home. Life is just meaningless without a shiny route that calls to you to come home with a little meaning with you.