Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Friends...

Strangely enough being someone who rants a lot about how bad I am treated by my friends, I haven't spoken to them much lately. Maybe it's the fact that have practically cut any form of connection with them whether they noticed it or not. Maybe it's for the better. Who am I to be sure of such a complex matter in life.


Even though I have had friends since I was small, I have only known the true stripes and fangs of friends in the recent years. Yet it doesn't make me someone who is less hurt by them. Over and over I have fallen in the depths of the pit of despair and disappointment. Foolishly I still climb up and took a dive into it again over and over. It makes me wonder to what point my tolerance for pain is. At what point will I say stop and start revolting against what pain that is coming towards me.


I have witness so much but am still unable to get the facts right till now. Recently I have learned that couples and friends don't really mix that well. I don't really think that I have a sense a jealousy for couples that I know of. Strangely enough I have witness it countless amount of time where friends who are already a couple acts cold towards me compared to the time when they needed me. It saddens me, it really saddens how much they have actually forgotten about me. But I will just leave it at that as I still owe lots of my friends that does not give me any privileges whatsoever to sad anything bad about them as it would only make me more depressed for doing just that.


Lately I stumbled upon someone who posted up a question in a forum. He/she asked "Can friends be forever?". Being someone who have gone through quite a number of them I would have to say sadly no. Although I would wish for friends that are forever, it just isn't possible when people start rambling on about how I should just let things be and how I should move on with my life. What kinda cheap getaway card is that?


Upon reading more and more of the nonsense people reply to the kid, I took notice of one which kinda sounded practically like what I have been through. I started with a fairly large group of people. In the early days, everyone was fragile. We had nothing except in the right hand was the faith towards a God and on the left was a hand of another friend. Years passed, what was needed have been achieved, rewards came in abundance and the only way to carry the reward was to let go of one of the items in the hand. Did they let go faith or did they let go someone? I am not sure. That is really up to them to decide.


Some met new people to hold on to. I don't want to be the mean selfish guy to say WTF cause I don't have the right to do so cause it's their life. In fact most of the time I am pretty much happy for them. But the fact that they let go of me just doesn't make sense at all. What makes it even worse is that the reasons that is given is just out of this world sometimes.


Personally I don't think I am much of a guy worthy of friends. I don't like to talk much but I am pretty sure I am a good listener. I have goods and bads. But recently I felt a little disgusted by myself. The feelings I have seems to lead me to think of myself as slowly trying to make people around me feel the same pain as I do. I think from all the values (not the good ones) that I have gone through about myself tends to show that I have become somewhat of a lone ranger with heck of a lot of bad luck mixed into me. I recalled a certain character in a supernatural chinese show once. This character was fated to not have friends and close ones and anyone close to him will fall into despair. Being the hero of the story he lived a live of solitude ensuring that everyone is saved from the curse that I am pretty sure he didn't ask for.


Maybe I am something like that. I do notice people around me being in despair. Maybe subconsciously I have pushed away every single one of my friends away for the very same reason. Okay it's getting late and I don't want to drag people into a load of nonsense that might pop up in my mind. Long story short, I hate people these days, I hate how they are so selfish, I hate the stupid reasons they give me, I hate the fact that they only come to you when they are in need, I hate the fact that they don't contact me anymore, I hate it when there is nothing I could possibly do, I hate the fact that they don't understand me, I hate the fact that I get blamed for every possible reasons that the relationship between me and them have gone sour, I hate the fact that they don't take notice of the situation that is happening in front of them and they don't realize it, I hate the fact that I can't do a thing about it and the only thing I could possibly damn do is to avoid everyone and avoid the whole confrontation whatsoever, I hate the fact that we never get to discuss this, I hate the fact that the only things that we ever talked about was not even of slightest importance compared to the debate of what toppings I should put on my hotdogs, I hate the fact that I knew them, I hate the fact that for everytime you said you were hurt the same way I did, I was hurt 10 times more, I hate the fact that whenever I have something to say you were not there to listen, I hate the empty promises you gave me, I hate all the fake smiles you gave me, I hate the fact that there a knives behind my back and they belonged to you, I hate the fact that you went away without saying a word, I hate the fact you went away, I hate the fact that the more I hate you the more I felt bad, I hate the fact that I have to be the one to notice it all, I hate the fact that everything wrong in the world is caused by me, I hate the fact that those who are closer to me hurts me more without even noticing it, I hate the fact that there is just so much I have hated over the past years, that writing it all down here is just a waste of time cause one way communication never did, is or will ever work.


The fact that I am still alive right now shows that I am in denial and you are being ignorance regarding the matter.

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