Sigh, this is the third night I couldn't sleep. I have no idea why. Maybe I am nervous about the upcoming interview I am going to have the day after tomorrow. Maybe my body is getting used to sleeping around 4 or 5 in the morning and waking up early and suffering the rest of the day in the office. Maybe it's just this awful quietness in my life that seems to make every little sound seems so clear reminding me of how quiet and lonesome my life is. Hey, I wish I know the reason. I really need the sleep.
I am pretty nervous about the upcoming interview definately. It's my one and only interview lately. Need a job fast. Plus there were a few things that bothered me. Like am I prepared to answer the questions given? Will I forget something that I should have bring along? Will I get the job? Will my work be up to their standards? Is this the right choice? There is just so many questions in my mind I think it's keeping me awake. I've always been careful with things, thinking about every inch of possibilities, make proper plans for my life. Somehow this seems to be a double edge sword for me. Sometimes it just makes me worry too much. Well, still think it's good to be prepared.
Thing just gets worse with all the quietness around me. Nervous and quiet environment just doesn't work together very well; at least for me. It just makes my thoughts clearer and the questions are flooding my mind. The terror. I don't know why but somehow deep in me, I always expected at least some people to care and be concerned about how the situation is. Maybe it's just me. I don't mind the quiet life, as long as there is something to do. But when you have nothing to do and the environment is so quiet and you have tonnes of questions in your mind, it's just not good. somehow I think I am growing crazier as time past.
The TV shows aren't helping either. Lately the constant streaming of TV shows and stuff are probably making my body and mind adapt to new sleeping times. Nevertheless the fact that I do not have enough sleep is still there. Funny how I used to be able to go on with my day with just 4 hours of sleep everyday.
I guess I should go to sleep. Nothing much to do. The TV shows aren't streaming any faster and I need sleep badly and someone to talk to. I just wish there was someone around where I could just go "Hey sorry to bother you so late at night. Can't seem to sleep. Wanna talk?". Know what I mean? At this point whenever I say that it kind of make me feel like a baby HAH. And if I ever tell someone that, they would usually push the responsibility to someone else. Not that I am blaming them. I know it's not their problem why should they even care right? I think if someone were around and I would be able to talk to them face to face or through a call or something I think I would just fall asleep on my bed peacefully. No offense to the person whom I am talking to. Not that the person is boring or anything. I think I would be able to get some stuff off my mind and I would definately sleep better then. So much in my mind. I wish they have expiry dates and would disappear when the time comes. Oh well...
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Fakes...
Have you ever wonder how to differentiate the real friends from the fake ones? It has always been hard to tell even with my keen sense of observation *cough* I still fall for it every time. With terms like "poker face" and "fake smiles", gosh who can tell the difference at times right? Maybe it's His greatest invention. Some kind of special operation units, brought to earth to torture those who falls for it. Heh. Hilarious. Oh why do You like to torture us so? Heheh... HAHAHA...
So how do you differentiate them. Every nice person you see hurts you just as much as the next person. I mean what do you do when you know that person is a fake? Take a sniff of the sweet smell and throw it away before it stings you with its thorns? Sounds good to me sometimes. But alas there is a weakness in me. Never had the guts to do that to them. If I ever do it, I doubt they would even care.
Who are the real ones again? Well this is just between me and you, but I have this theory that people turns true and real when they are hurt. The moment they are down on their knees, that is the time when they have regrets, they think back about the things they have done and the things that people had done to them. Slowly raising their shaken hands to ask help, guess what, He ain't there, He went golfing and fishing with the rest of the deceased who wrote "Gone Fishing" and "Gone Golfing" on their obituaries. HAH.
And BAM! they suddenly realize they have made the right choice to let it go, to forget instead of BREAK THE FREAKING NECK OF THOSE WHO HURT THEM! I SWEAR I'M GONNA BREAK THAT THIN NECK... Chill buddy, chill. ARGHHH STOP INTERRUPTING ME! THIS IS MY CHANCE TO BREAK THAT FREAKING NECKS OF THEIRS AND WELL CONGRATULATIONS YOU GET THE FRONT ROW SEATS TO SEE IT LIVE! HAHhaheh...
I guess they are the most sincere when they are in that shaken position. Maybe people are meant to be hurt all the time. Constantly reminding them how they been threated and how they have threated others are just the same at times. I guess pain really is the cleanser.
So how do you differentiate them. Every nice person you see hurts you just as much as the next person. I mean what do you do when you know that person is a fake? Take a sniff of the sweet smell and throw it away before it stings you with its thorns? Sounds good to me sometimes. But alas there is a weakness in me. Never had the guts to do that to them. If I ever do it, I doubt they would even care.
Who are the real ones again? Well this is just between me and you, but I have this theory that people turns true and real when they are hurt. The moment they are down on their knees, that is the time when they have regrets, they think back about the things they have done and the things that people had done to them. Slowly raising their shaken hands to ask help, guess what, He ain't there, He went golfing and fishing with the rest of the deceased who wrote "Gone Fishing" and "Gone Golfing" on their obituaries. HAH.
And BAM! they suddenly realize they have made the right choice to let it go, to forget instead of BREAK THE FREAKING NECK OF THOSE WHO HURT THEM! I SWEAR I'M GONNA BREAK THAT THIN NECK... Chill buddy, chill. ARGHHH STOP INTERRUPTING ME! THIS IS MY CHANCE TO BREAK THAT FREAKING NECKS OF THEIRS AND WELL CONGRATULATIONS YOU GET THE FRONT ROW SEATS TO SEE IT LIVE! HAHhaheh...
I guess they are the most sincere when they are in that shaken position. Maybe people are meant to be hurt all the time. Constantly reminding them how they been threated and how they have threated others are just the same at times. I guess pain really is the cleanser.
Internet and I
I think I might be paranoid or something. Why? So I've been watching a lot of TV shows by streaming it through It* lately. Basically everyone knows It's slow and sucks. So what people usually do around here to watch something like this is to leave it streaming and watch later. That is what I usually do too.
But for some reason around now (3am), It's pretty much smooth sailing for my TV shows. Weird huh? As if It knows I have to go and sleep so It became very smooth for some reason. I think It's playing around with me. Hate it. Now I have to stay up because I am so addicted to TV shows. So I guess you can say I have the Oh-Just-One-More-Won't-Hurt Syndrome. Yeah one episode always leads to another for some reason.
Oh boy, I am going to need cups and cups of coffee tomorrow and break time nap. I guess I should get back to my TV shows. Another one more...
(*It with a capital "I" usually refers to the Internet)
But for some reason around now (3am), It's pretty much smooth sailing for my TV shows. Weird huh? As if It knows I have to go and sleep so It became very smooth for some reason. I think It's playing around with me. Hate it. Now I have to stay up because I am so addicted to TV shows. So I guess you can say I have the Oh-Just-One-More-Won't-Hurt Syndrome. Yeah one episode always leads to another for some reason.
Oh boy, I am going to need cups and cups of coffee tomorrow and break time nap. I guess I should get back to my TV shows. Another one more...
(*It with a capital "I" usually refers to the Internet)
Colleagues
Have you ever get those really sucky colleagues that always seems to annoy you? I think you can guess where this is going. Well for me there is a couple of things that bothers me lately. Maybe I am getting bored and becoming a pissed old guy complaining about every little things. Maybe what they did was just wrong. Who knows for sure right?
Well first thing is the noise. Sometimes it's pretty unbearable especially during the weekends when all the bosses are at home in their pajamas washing car and stuff. Seriously it's bad. Sometime it takes me a while to read just a sentence cause I can't seem to hear myself think. I guess this problem isn't that bad.
Double standard and inconsiderate colleagues. So basically there was one time when my team was so loud that well another colleague (lets just call him colleague A) came to them and tell them to quiet down. Fine by me. Firstly I didn't make the noise. Secondly yeah it was getting kind of loud. But what pissed me off is that well the guy made a lot of noise too among his group. So what's the deal? Maybe I should do what he did last time and tell the them to quiet down. I still remember that time, his face was all sour and looked like he was thinking really hard and then he stand up and clapped his hands a few times and asked for attention and ask the group to quiet down. Maybe I should do that. So that was colleague A. Now colleague B is a freak. I don't know what's the deal with him, but sometimes you can see him get up and go to the air-conditioning control room and you can hear from above you a long line of beeps. Meaning he lowered the temperature very VERY low. People was like what the heck, it's not even hot. Sometimes I just feel he is having lack of attention or something cause he would lower the temperature and comes back smiling and giving that evil laugh. So usually those who can't stand it will go and switch it back up. What a troublesome guy. Wish I could smack him.
Lastly, toilet. Now I don't know what's the condition of female toilet in the office but I think the guy(s) responsible for the yellow liquid around the bowl need a bit of target practice. I mean come on how can you not hit directly into the bowl? Hard on from work? I doubt so. Maybe it needs a scope or make it laser guided or something. Well I can still accept that maybe you're getting old and eyesights aren't that good anymore and those blue pills are keeping IT up. But leaving the condition of the toilet like that after finishing your business is just wrong. That just tells me two things. Number 1, your house toilet has yellow color liquid around it as well and you couldn't be bothered. Number 2, you're blind as a bat. Sheesh clean it with water a little at least. Don't tell me you expect the next user to clean it?
Yeah well I am sure not everyone in the office is bad, but some are just asking for it. See this is why you need to smack your colleagues once in a while. It helps a lot trust me.
Well first thing is the noise. Sometimes it's pretty unbearable especially during the weekends when all the bosses are at home in their pajamas washing car and stuff. Seriously it's bad. Sometime it takes me a while to read just a sentence cause I can't seem to hear myself think. I guess this problem isn't that bad.
Double standard and inconsiderate colleagues. So basically there was one time when my team was so loud that well another colleague (lets just call him colleague A) came to them and tell them to quiet down. Fine by me. Firstly I didn't make the noise. Secondly yeah it was getting kind of loud. But what pissed me off is that well the guy made a lot of noise too among his group. So what's the deal? Maybe I should do what he did last time and tell the them to quiet down. I still remember that time, his face was all sour and looked like he was thinking really hard and then he stand up and clapped his hands a few times and asked for attention and ask the group to quiet down. Maybe I should do that. So that was colleague A. Now colleague B is a freak. I don't know what's the deal with him, but sometimes you can see him get up and go to the air-conditioning control room and you can hear from above you a long line of beeps. Meaning he lowered the temperature very VERY low. People was like what the heck, it's not even hot. Sometimes I just feel he is having lack of attention or something cause he would lower the temperature and comes back smiling and giving that evil laugh. So usually those who can't stand it will go and switch it back up. What a troublesome guy. Wish I could smack him.
Lastly, toilet. Now I don't know what's the condition of female toilet in the office but I think the guy(s) responsible for the yellow liquid around the bowl need a bit of target practice. I mean come on how can you not hit directly into the bowl? Hard on from work? I doubt so. Maybe it needs a scope or make it laser guided or something. Well I can still accept that maybe you're getting old and eyesights aren't that good anymore and those blue pills are keeping IT up. But leaving the condition of the toilet like that after finishing your business is just wrong. That just tells me two things. Number 1, your house toilet has yellow color liquid around it as well and you couldn't be bothered. Number 2, you're blind as a bat. Sheesh clean it with water a little at least. Don't tell me you expect the next user to clean it?
Yeah well I am sure not everyone in the office is bad, but some are just asking for it. See this is why you need to smack your colleagues once in a while. It helps a lot trust me.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Going back to my roots...
Ok... I think there is just too much Coke Pepsi in my blood and mind right now. Lately I haven't got the chance to be online as much as I used to. No, not because I am being the-good-I-sleep-early-OMG-it's-only-10 boy guy but I don't know why my Internet goes offline especially at nights. Around midnight or earlier. It really did go offline a bit earlier than expected. So since I had nothing much to do, I went straight outside to the shops and buy some junkfood and a bottle of Pepsi. Then went I got home popped a movie and finished up a bag of peanuts and half a bottle of Pepsi. I guess that brings me to this moment right now when my mind is so hype-out from that awesomely refreshing drink I had full of vitamins and minerals caffiene. Hmmm I think I can make a conclusion that Pepsi = Brain Food. LOL
Anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about It (yes I am referring to the Internet as It with a capital 'I') going off this couple of days. Call me crazy but I think it's doing some good for me in a way. Sure I am not socializing but hey I am away from the what I usually do for a while. Kind of like how Marge in The Simpsons likes to make the family goes for family time at night for one hour. I think I needed the break from my daily doses of manga reading, comic reading,bible reading, jogging, playing games, watching videos, surfing, downloading stuffs, etc. Been taking an hour or two of my time everyday to brush up on my programming skills. I think my brain have gone lazy over the past year. I mean OMG how the heck did I remember all these stuff? Sheesh... so anyways I am learning from scratch again all the knowledge of yesteryears especially those that I am interested in. I think the test interview the other day pretty much woke me up which is good in away excluding the fact that I am mentally and emotionally crushed and pissed of myself.
So basically I planned to go back to my roots and do stuffs that I am interested in and those that I need to do. Probably the major things I need in my life right now is art and programming. Thinking maybe I can squeeze in an hour or so of attention to get my brain to suck up something productive once in a while. Maybe It going down once in a while is giving me the chance to do so.
I wish I can pay more attention to those two major stuff in my life. I don't know when it started but I felt that my attention span have reduced a lot compared to when I was in school. I mean 8 subjects x multiple amount of chapters. How did I do that I wonder... Anyone know of way to increase my attention and focus on a particular thing? I would blame multi-tasking as part of the reason I guess. I think it have made me get bored of things easily and difficulties in remembering stuff unless repeated over and over or it's short term. Bleh...
Anyhow, I hope I can keep this up, would be good for me in a way. And I also hope to get a new job soon. Suppose to quit this month. Oh well.. cross my fingers on that. I had a lyric that had like something interesting I wanted to point out but I don't remember the song (see what I mean?). I am pretty sure it's one of the songs I heard in my folders at work. Will check it out and see.
Update! I remember now which song it is. Snow Patrol with the song Signal Fire. Nice song. Not my kinda song and I have no idea how it got into my collection. Anyhow I have only one thing to say about it. I wish I had someone like that... or does it remind me of me NOT having someone like that in my life. Great... now I feel miserable. Oh well... lyrics down there.
Snow Patrol - Signal Fire
Feel like there is a lot to talk about when I am rushing for time (to go sleep, it's almost 3am!). At times, there is a lot of things I wanted to say to certain people but none of it ever comes out of my mouth. At times, I wanted to do so many things in life and make it richer and more meaninful but when the time comes the thought slips away. How ironic... makes me feel that He is playing around with me in His sandbox. These thoughts make me feel miserable but I know He is not to blame. It's all me. I wish I was better. Telling myself that is one thing... doing so is another. Sigh. I am sure I wouldn't have thought of dying young too if it's somehow more meaningful than this. Oh well... life goes on. So much to say... maybe I should think of what to say and make note of them and write something more meaningful next time instead of huge huge pile of gibberish like these. Told ya' I wasn't good at this.
Anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about It (yes I am referring to the Internet as It with a capital 'I') going off this couple of days. Call me crazy but I think it's doing some good for me in a way. Sure I am not socializing but hey I am away from the what I usually do for a while. Kind of like how Marge in The Simpsons likes to make the family goes for family time at night for one hour. I think I needed the break from my daily doses of manga reading, comic reading,
So basically I planned to go back to my roots and do stuffs that I am interested in and those that I need to do. Probably the major things I need in my life right now is art and programming. Thinking maybe I can squeeze in an hour or so of attention to get my brain to suck up something productive once in a while. Maybe It going down once in a while is giving me the chance to do so.
I wish I can pay more attention to those two major stuff in my life. I don't know when it started but I felt that my attention span have reduced a lot compared to when I was in school. I mean 8 subjects x multiple amount of chapters. How did I do that I wonder... Anyone know of way to increase my attention and focus on a particular thing? I would blame multi-tasking as part of the reason I guess. I think it have made me get bored of things easily and difficulties in remembering stuff unless repeated over and over or it's short term. Bleh...
Anyhow, I hope I can keep this up, would be good for me in a way. And I also hope to get a new job soon. Suppose to quit this month. Oh well.. cross my fingers on that. I had a lyric that had like something interesting I wanted to point out but I don't remember the song (see what I mean?). I am pretty sure it's one of the songs I heard in my folders at work. Will check it out and see.
Update! I remember now which song it is. Snow Patrol with the song Signal Fire. Nice song. Not my kinda song and I have no idea how it got into my collection. Anyhow I have only one thing to say about it. I wish I had someone like that... or does it remind me of me NOT having someone like that in my life. Great... now I feel miserable. Oh well... lyrics down there.
Snow Patrol - Signal Fire
The perfect words never crossed my mind
‘Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me, screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me
All I wanted, just sped right past me
But I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out
There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety
No, I don’t wanna wait forever
No, I don’t wanna wait forever
In the confusion, and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes
There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety
There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety
No, I don’t wanna wait forever
No, I don’t wanna wait forever
No, I don’t wanna wait forever
Feel like there is a lot to talk about when I am rushing for time (to go sleep, it's almost 3am!). At times, there is a lot of things I wanted to say to certain people but none of it ever comes out of my mouth. At times, I wanted to do so many things in life and make it richer and more meaninful but when the time comes the thought slips away. How ironic... makes me feel that He is playing around with me in His sandbox. These thoughts make me feel miserable but I know He is not to blame. It's all me. I wish I was better. Telling myself that is one thing... doing so is another. Sigh. I am sure I wouldn't have thought of dying young too if it's somehow more meaningful than this. Oh well... life goes on. So much to say... maybe I should think of what to say and make note of them and write something more meaningful next time instead of huge huge pile of gibberish like these. Told ya' I wasn't good at this.
Friday, September 7, 2007
It Feels Good to be Back On
Finally got my Internet to work again. I don't really recall how I felt the pass few days so I don't feel the need to express them here. I guess I was pretty down by the sudden separation from the world by ALL means including the net. On normal times I won't even be bothered since I still have the internet to connect me to the world. I know, it sounds freaky. Sounds like a psycho from some sci-fi show. But then again, yeah that's how it has been since my graduation. Too old to be among the juniors too young at heart(heh) to be with my equals. Young ones are having the fun of their time without me of course. C'mon who wants an old guy to be with them right? Mean while those of my batch are all talking about career and all that stuff. I don't like talking about career since I don't really have plan for it yet. Keyword : YET. Everytime without fail they will be talking about this and that about work, politics bla bla bla... whatever. I don't really care about those.
I remember feeling as though the world had expanded in front of my face. Many many times larger than I expected and somehow everyone is not around anymore. For once, fear strucked me right in the head, I fear of being alone in this world. Kinda ironic since I usually say I prefer to be by myself and how anti-social I am. Being 'online' was the last chance I had to be in contact with people around me and it was gone for a few days. Scary.
Had a test interview the other day. Let's just say it's not worth mentioning. Failed at it pretty bad. I wouldn't even want to hire myself. Roughly 80% - 90% of the questions I don't know (Thank God for MCQs) and those that Iam suppose to know I don't remember how to do. So yeah practically hopes are dim. Next step, haven't plan and to think I wanted to quit this month. Sigh.
Due to the fact that I was pretty down under the past few days and plus I was off today, I just didn't feel like staying at home without any contact with the world. So I went and catch a movie even though I was pretty lazy and tired (slept at 3am). Went to watch the movie War or as they call it here Rogue Assasin. No idea why they changed the name. I couldn't find the name "Rogue Assasin" anywhere on the Internet that day so I guess the real official title has to be "War". Maybe we're not suppose to have the name "War" for movies? Hmmm... Anyways, pretty disappointing. Not by the movie but the censorship. Makes me feel like I am watching a slide show of some sort. Or short short clips of videos. Honestly they cut off all the nudity and bloody scenes. But overall very interesting plot twist *hint hint*. I would suggest watching it on DVD instead with all the "trimmings" still intact. Definately that would make the movie more enjoyable.
I saw something pretty interesting today when I was coming back home. Woman bus driver. Here. Wow... I honestly never seen those before around here. I saw some in Singapore but not here. OK... so it wasn't that interesting. Still... whatever.
I remember feeling as though the world had expanded in front of my face. Many many times larger than I expected and somehow everyone is not around anymore. For once, fear strucked me right in the head, I fear of being alone in this world. Kinda ironic since I usually say I prefer to be by myself and how anti-social I am. Being 'online' was the last chance I had to be in contact with people around me and it was gone for a few days. Scary.
Had a test interview the other day. Let's just say it's not worth mentioning. Failed at it pretty bad. I wouldn't even want to hire myself. Roughly 80% - 90% of the questions I don't know (Thank God for MCQs) and those that I
Due to the fact that I was pretty down under the past few days and plus I was off today, I just didn't feel like staying at home without any contact with the world. So I went and catch a movie even though I was pretty lazy and tired (slept at 3am). Went to watch the movie War or as they call it here Rogue Assasin. No idea why they changed the name. I couldn't find the name "Rogue Assasin" anywhere on the Internet that day so I guess the real official title has to be "War". Maybe we're not suppose to have the name "War" for movies? Hmmm... Anyways, pretty disappointing. Not by the movie but the censorship. Makes me feel like I am watching a slide show of some sort. Or short short clips of videos. Honestly they cut off all the nudity and bloody scenes. But overall very interesting plot twist *hint hint*. I would suggest watching it on DVD instead with all the "trimmings" still intact. Definately that would make the movie more enjoyable.
I saw something pretty interesting today when I was coming back home. Woman bus driver. Here. Wow... I honestly never seen those before around here. I saw some in Singapore but not here. OK... so it wasn't that interesting. Still... whatever.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Love Hate Dream...
What a sleepy day today. I guess I didn't have much sleep lastnight... at the proper time. Took a nap around 7pm since I was sleepy at the moment. Ended up waking up at 11pm. Had a dream. Something I am not really fond of at the moment. I mean if it was last time, yeah maybe it was a good dream but now it's just something I don't really feel like being reminded of in a dream.
There have been lots of friends coming and going in my life. I wish the going part just doesn't happen. I am sure everyone wish so. I doubt you would call them friends if you wish for the going part. Anyhow, lately I just don't consider those who left me here friends. Forsakening you shouldn't be one of your friends' strong points, that's how I see it.
But then again there are those that I cherish for life. When you are with them, they just feels like mothers, fathers or brothers and sisters. You'll never go wrong when you have those feelings. Those that shares your bad times when you are down and there is no one there, those that just makes everyday living hell doesn't seem so bad and gives you a glimpse of heaven.
Well I guess the person in my dream was kind of like a sister. I mean what more can I compare her to right? Always sharing the pain, sacrificing herself at times, in a way fed me and my buddies, just plain old having fun. I guess she gave me a glimpse of heaven in what should be a terrible place. Well, that was quite a while ago and she is no longer around. No... she is not dead. Just unable to be contacted. Tried so many times. Sometimes I wish she was dead and I know about it. That would have been a better option rather than hanging here wondering what happened to her.
I just don't know what is in her mind but I just can't understand people who don't want to keep in contact and don't want to be contacted. Sigh. That is why this dream was classified as a bad one. Part of me felt glad to have actually seen her in that dream. But part of me just feel so pissed off and just felt like telling her to get the fuck out of my face. I just felt like telling her how selfish she has been, how she had made me feel all this while, all the time when I needed her around and all the time that I was worried sick.
Sometimes I feel that it's true. People are closest to you hurts you the most... Makes me think that I should take a step back from everyone. I just don't feel like being hurt from a mere dream all the time...
There have been lots of friends coming and going in my life. I wish the going part just doesn't happen. I am sure everyone wish so. I doubt you would call them friends if you wish for the going part. Anyhow, lately I just don't consider those who left me here friends. Forsakening you shouldn't be one of your friends' strong points, that's how I see it.
But then again there are those that I cherish for life. When you are with them, they just feels like mothers, fathers or brothers and sisters. You'll never go wrong when you have those feelings. Those that shares your bad times when you are down and there is no one there, those that just makes everyday living hell doesn't seem so bad and gives you a glimpse of heaven.
Well I guess the person in my dream was kind of like a sister. I mean what more can I compare her to right? Always sharing the pain, sacrificing herself at times, in a way fed me and my buddies, just plain old having fun. I guess she gave me a glimpse of heaven in what should be a terrible place. Well, that was quite a while ago and she is no longer around. No... she is not dead. Just unable to be contacted. Tried so many times. Sometimes I wish she was dead and I know about it. That would have been a better option rather than hanging here wondering what happened to her.
I just don't know what is in her mind but I just can't understand people who don't want to keep in contact and don't want to be contacted. Sigh. That is why this dream was classified as a bad one. Part of me felt glad to have actually seen her in that dream. But part of me just feel so pissed off and just felt like telling her to get the fuck out of my face. I just felt like telling her how selfish she has been, how she had made me feel all this while, all the time when I needed her around and all the time that I was worried sick.
Sometimes I feel that it's true. People are closest to you hurts you the most... Makes me think that I should take a step back from everyone. I just don't feel like being hurt from a mere dream all the time...
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