Update #1

I guess it's been pretty long since I actually updated anything. Probably so long that it seem to be unforgivable if I were ever to feel sorry or saying I am sorry to my readers (if any) that only writing down two posts for my updates would barely make a decent package of my I'm-Sorry-It-Took-So-Long-to-Update Combo. So I guess I should just do that.


A lot have happened and there seem to be a lot that I wanted to say that I guess it would actually fit more than two posts. Then again to be save and avoid any suicidal attempts among readers for being too bored. Gosh I really don't want my name or even the name of the blog to pop up in newspaper; "Teens kill themselves with blunt objects to avoid boredom from this guy's blog". I think I can imagine that.


Enough shenanigans and on with the real deal. I guess I would stay away from the usual method of arranging all my stuff in a chronology. That would just be too plain boring I guess. Yes I like being different, sue me.


I guess I should start with my hiatus for the past week or so. Basically it's a mix of a lot of things. Life have been surprisingly good. At some point a break for humanity seems to do me a lot of good that in fact I just don't have anything much to complain about. In fact I feel pretty much at peace. Simple as that... that and the stupid insect attack. Not so much of an attack but rather I came into contact with it... while I was asleep... smearing and rolling around it. I took from the wound I received that it didn't like the contact with me either that it actually smeared toxin from the juices in its body all over my body that supposedly according to Wiki is more potent than a cobra venom. No kidding. Anyhow it was nothing new to me. My room IS facing a palm oil plantation and basically I had it before... at least not this bad. This time I was pretty much having blisters on my right knuckles, along my lower back and my left elbow. Rashes or minor ones on my right hand, upper left chest and left forehead. Yes you can imagine how bad it is. Anyhow everything is well and after being paranoid for a week it's all better.


I would probably post some gross pictures of it like in a couple of days time just to show how bad it was and also something pretty funny about the scars that it left. Here I was thinking that the first image was going to be one of my very first art that I am proud of that I make myself but instead it's going to be an image of insect bites. Great. End communication.

Joyous Sin...

Recently there is this idea or rather a proposal that I had for God. Why not make Joy a sin? I mean everyone should be miserable as shit. At one moment I thought I have gone completely insane by thinking so. But slowly my idea only make more sense as time passed. I'm not talking about what good does Joy give to you but rather what your Joy give to others?


I mean I have to admit it, there were times when intense feeling of Joy filled me. But it's long gone along with time. During that time, I have to admit that I forget certain people's well being when I was having the time of my life. There is just so much Joy that somehow it clouded my mind preventing me from thinking about those who needs a little attention from me, a pair of ears to listen to their woes. Sadly I was a jerk and I feel ashame of being joyful.


When I think back the only time I ever turn to people is when I needed something; when I was bored, when I needed a ride, when I needed something done that I can't do. You name it. The times of need brought me closer to people and I was able to share with them my misery and they were able to do so as well. I got a chance to listen to them. But I guess I screw it up everytime I have Joy.


I thought this only happen to me. Sadly it happens everywhere. When people are having the time of their lives, they tend to forget a certain someone that just didn't cry out loud enough to catch their attention. Joy is just too loud.


Part of me felt the need to have Joy. Part of me felt that it's slowly poisoning me and everyone else. Just this mix of emotion that makes me can't seem to decide. Maybe one day I would be able to make the decision. Maybe one day you will be able too. Right now I feel like the person crying out loud to my friend. Now I feel how people might have feel when I forget about them for the joyous moments that shrouded and blinded me. Call me crazy for I feel that I want to let go of Joy and lend you my ears. Would you ever do that for me in my time of dire?

People That Ticks Me Off... 2

Probably this is one of the people I missed out when I was talking about. Probably being the most harmless yet irritating at the same time. I would call this dumb if the word even fits him but then it would only be a disgrace to those who are dumb not by their own actions but fate itself.


Probably dumb would be a word best combine in a pot of gumbo full of words that would normally have taken a blow at the person who holds them individually. I guess dumb would be the word best describing a person who would probably be unaware of what is up and what is down. But to be someone who knows the meanings of those two simply words and still do mistakes regarding them keeps me in a speechless mode that goes on for the rest of the week.


I just came back from a lousy day I might say. Though in reality nothing bad actually happened. I had a great chat with people I want to chat with. I guess that really make my day. Now I am not someone who believes in superstitious stuffs but I guess the incident today proves me wrong. I was complaining to my friend about how bad the past couple of days were. Especially with a pair of sore legs. The thought of it keeps me out of focus for the whole day each time I took a step and stretch the muscles in my leg. I wouldn't say it excruciating but it does hit the spot in my mind. To add to the leg issue, I realized my upper chest, my right hand and left forehead is covered in blemishes with blister-like pain when rubbed. Most probably due to insect bites. I wouldn't go into that since it's going to be extinct anyways in a couple of months so why bother right?


Well basically that was pretty bad luck for me to have them all at the same time. I told my friend I was having some bad luck this couple of days. I of course was just kidding. But I guess the laughter stops when I took a step out. Planning to take my daily detour to the food area in my workplace, I took the left path instead of the right which leads me back home. Just a couple of steps and I heard it... the weird tapping sound as though small small objects dropping on metal sheets. Indeed what I heard was none other that what I feared most (I don't like bringing umbrella so I don't prefer rain)... yup rain. I mean talk about coincidence. It wasn't heavy at that time so I decided to cut the plan of getting dinner of my to-do list and head back fast before it gets heavier. It did indeed get heavier... while I was halfway back. Honestly I think I am having a shit load of bad luck. I need I guess purify my luck? Or some sort I don't know.


Anyways the post wasn't suppose to be about this yet it still takes up three quarter of the post. Weird stuff happens. Anyhow I was already not in the mood. I went in the elevator and press the button for my floor. After a couple of floors came in this guy with towel, short pants and a used t-shirt.... going up? Let me tell you this... a person carrying a towel, wearing short pants and t-shirt don't go up unless they are soaking wet. Basically you can guess from the look of him, he is going for the pool. But wait there is no pool upstairs. Great... though it didn't bother my trip to my floor (it did actually since my elevator ride had to stop and let him in so I just let that go, no biggie), the thought of how people think that being in the elevator on a pointless ride up and then back down can be of any help to them in shortening they travel time to the pool.


I am sorry but I just don't see the logic of it. How on earth does going up, press the ground floor button (oppsss wrong button) and lower ground button, arriving on the 11th floor (*ding* buttons reset) and again pressing the lower ground button (I am assuming that he didn't make the same mistake again) be any faster than wait for the elevator on his floor like every other people and just pressing the lower ground button once.


I am not trying to be whinny or anything but it just makes me speechless. I have only the right to assume that:

1. He don't know which button is up and which button is down
2. He don't know what is up and what is down
3. He thinks the pool is upstairs and only realizing it when it reached my floor
4. He REALLY thinks the pool is upstairs
5. He would probably have had quantum physics major and somehow calculated that going up and down again is faster than going down only.
6. He watched too much Narnia-like stories and thinks that the upper floor has a magical portal to a breath-taking swimming pool in another world.
7. He is just another typical dumbass who just can't wait for elevators and pressed both up and down button cause he think he owns the elevator and God I also think he might think that he owns my couple of seconds that he wasted just to let him in the elevator for a joyride.

You decide I guess which person is he. I know which one I am picking.

New Year 2008...

Strangely the fuss wasn't there this year. I asked a couple of people and practically they weren't interested or lazy to go out anyways. I guess after so many years of hyping over it makes it kinda dull somehow.


For me new year is a terrifying thing... at least that's how it is in my thoughts. Basically new year just brings me closer to a lot of deaths and endings. If new year is the start of a new chapter, then the epilogue is just around the corner.


Lately by my own observations, it seems like the end is getting closer by the minute. There is just so much restlessness in the world. Freak accidents, clashes between piles of flesh we call human, natural disasters happening at awkward times, so much signs. There is just so much uneasiness in the world it felt like the world is giving out it's last will.


Trust me, I wish I was wrong, I really want to live forever. But then again it's impossible with the current situation. Everything, if I predicted correctly will fall apart in a matter of years. I hope my couple of years will be meaningful and I hope that I don't owe anyone anything by then. Preparation underway.

Art In Me...

Recently like I have said, there have been a spark that is tingling around my mind especially in the area where art ideas and interests are coming from. Part of the reason is I was fortunate enough to meet two things in my life recently. One living, one well... not alive you might say. First would be a book, I've never said anything about it before but there are a few artists, whether it may be fantasy artists or comic artists, but there are a few of them that I really really admire and I do follow their work. No... I don't remember their titles and stuff, but just from looking at them I know it's their work.


One of them would have to be Alex Ross. There really is no set of words that can describe his work. Basically he is a comic book artist, or rather a comic book painter to be more specific. The interesting thing that sparked my interest is his airbrush works. Seriously, you have not seen The Flash, Shazam, Justice League and many other famous characters till you see his artwork. Most of the time, they pretty much look alive as if it was a photo. I remember when I first see his work it took me a while to realize they were drawn and colored instead of a photo with effects. Really really amazing artwork from him.
Some example artwork in Wiki

Second guy would be Imperial Boy. Nope it's not his real name... d'oh. I am not very sure what his real name is, been looking for it but failed. Probably because I don't read Japanese. Yup the guy is a Japanese manga artist. His work is breathtaking and detailed, the colors are usually very milky soft tones, Wow... just wow. Basically what really makes me go nuts over his work is the background. His landscape and background work is amazing. Usually his artwork consist of characters drawn in a pretty normal and dull way but the background is simply amazing which really makes me speechless sometimes. Now when I say drawn in a pretty dull and normal way doesn't mean his character sucks, just that his landscapes/scenery/background really just makes me speechless each time. In fact I stumbled upon some of his work in a famous book that I wanted so badly last time in MPH. Bought it and it was great. The book is titled Robot Volume 2. Basically it's a collection of works by many young current manga artist with they really really really amazing work.
Some example of his work in Wiki
Some example artworks from robot magazine/book
Another site with robot magazine/book stuff


Another artist caught my attention recently and I have practically downloaded his tutorial videos and I watched it and it was really really great. The guy I am talking about is Carlos Cabrera. Practically the guy does digital artwork mainly most of the ones I saw was using Photoshop. Really amazing work. Most of his videos which are an hour to two hours long shows how a blob of nothingness turns to an amazing art. Don't really know much about him but he seems to have a lot of projects from pretty famous companies. Some of his works are in fact for games and advertisements. His works are usually concept art, fantasy themed, monsters etc. That kinda stuffs. And the artwork really looks amazing.
Example of his artworks in his portfolio

I wish I am as good at these artists. Hopefully one day. Living here, specifically in this country really doesn't spark much motivation for me to come up with ideas on what to draw in the first place. I don't know why but everything seems so geometrically straight and dull and artificial. I want curves and a sense of nature. But then I still try my best to get myself going sometimes. Just want to be a bit more hardworking in it, that's all I ask for.

Friends...

Strangely enough being someone who rants a lot about how bad I am treated by my friends, I haven't spoken to them much lately. Maybe it's the fact that have practically cut any form of connection with them whether they noticed it or not. Maybe it's for the better. Who am I to be sure of such a complex matter in life.


Even though I have had friends since I was small, I have only known the true stripes and fangs of friends in the recent years. Yet it doesn't make me someone who is less hurt by them. Over and over I have fallen in the depths of the pit of despair and disappointment. Foolishly I still climb up and took a dive into it again over and over. It makes me wonder to what point my tolerance for pain is. At what point will I say stop and start revolting against what pain that is coming towards me.


I have witness so much but am still unable to get the facts right till now. Recently I have learned that couples and friends don't really mix that well. I don't really think that I have a sense a jealousy for couples that I know of. Strangely enough I have witness it countless amount of time where friends who are already a couple acts cold towards me compared to the time when they needed me. It saddens me, it really saddens how much they have actually forgotten about me. But I will just leave it at that as I still owe lots of my friends that does not give me any privileges whatsoever to sad anything bad about them as it would only make me more depressed for doing just that.


Lately I stumbled upon someone who posted up a question in a forum. He/she asked "Can friends be forever?". Being someone who have gone through quite a number of them I would have to say sadly no. Although I would wish for friends that are forever, it just isn't possible when people start rambling on about how I should just let things be and how I should move on with my life. What kinda cheap getaway card is that?


Upon reading more and more of the nonsense people reply to the kid, I took notice of one which kinda sounded practically like what I have been through. I started with a fairly large group of people. In the early days, everyone was fragile. We had nothing except in the right hand was the faith towards a God and on the left was a hand of another friend. Years passed, what was needed have been achieved, rewards came in abundance and the only way to carry the reward was to let go of one of the items in the hand. Did they let go faith or did they let go someone? I am not sure. That is really up to them to decide.


Some met new people to hold on to. I don't want to be the mean selfish guy to say WTF cause I don't have the right to do so cause it's their life. In fact most of the time I am pretty much happy for them. But the fact that they let go of me just doesn't make sense at all. What makes it even worse is that the reasons that is given is just out of this world sometimes.


Personally I don't think I am much of a guy worthy of friends. I don't like to talk much but I am pretty sure I am a good listener. I have goods and bads. But recently I felt a little disgusted by myself. The feelings I have seems to lead me to think of myself as slowly trying to make people around me feel the same pain as I do. I think from all the values (not the good ones) that I have gone through about myself tends to show that I have become somewhat of a lone ranger with heck of a lot of bad luck mixed into me. I recalled a certain character in a supernatural chinese show once. This character was fated to not have friends and close ones and anyone close to him will fall into despair. Being the hero of the story he lived a live of solitude ensuring that everyone is saved from the curse that I am pretty sure he didn't ask for.


Maybe I am something like that. I do notice people around me being in despair. Maybe subconsciously I have pushed away every single one of my friends away for the very same reason. Okay it's getting late and I don't want to drag people into a load of nonsense that might pop up in my mind. Long story short, I hate people these days, I hate how they are so selfish, I hate the stupid reasons they give me, I hate the fact that they only come to you when they are in need, I hate the fact that they don't contact me anymore, I hate it when there is nothing I could possibly do, I hate the fact that they don't understand me, I hate the fact that I get blamed for every possible reasons that the relationship between me and them have gone sour, I hate the fact that they don't take notice of the situation that is happening in front of them and they don't realize it, I hate the fact that I can't do a thing about it and the only thing I could possibly damn do is to avoid everyone and avoid the whole confrontation whatsoever, I hate the fact that we never get to discuss this, I hate the fact that the only things that we ever talked about was not even of slightest importance compared to the debate of what toppings I should put on my hotdogs, I hate the fact that I knew them, I hate the fact that for everytime you said you were hurt the same way I did, I was hurt 10 times more, I hate the fact that whenever I have something to say you were not there to listen, I hate the empty promises you gave me, I hate all the fake smiles you gave me, I hate the fact that there a knives behind my back and they belonged to you, I hate the fact that you went away without saying a word, I hate the fact you went away, I hate the fact that the more I hate you the more I felt bad, I hate the fact that I have to be the one to notice it all, I hate the fact that everything wrong in the world is caused by me, I hate the fact that those who are closer to me hurts me more without even noticing it, I hate the fact that there is just so much I have hated over the past years, that writing it all down here is just a waste of time cause one way communication never did, is or will ever work.


The fact that I am still alive right now shows that I am in denial and you are being ignorance regarding the matter.

People That Ticks Me Off...

I didn't want to mention this since I have been pretty much in a good mood lately but then again some things are meant to be said... some people just have to do the dirty work. Anyhow, there is just this couple of people, I am not saying who but then again I think it involves a lot of "outsiders". Now I am not saying this particular group of people are bad and you should have a bad impression of them but rather a few of them that make the whole group looks bad.


I came home from work today feeling lucky cause I manage to avoid a downpour by a mere couple of seconds. Pressed the elevator button and waited patiently for the elevator to come and came this guy with both his hands full of stuff. When the elevator came I pressed the button for my floor and being the nice person and goodie goodie guy I am lately, I ask which floor he wants to go to. He said something which I didn't quite catch in the beginning. So I said "I'm sorry, what?". I am not sure whether he was intentional or not but he kinda raised his voice when he replied me "ONE". Okay there are just two things that are simply wrong here. Grammatically, it should be "first floor" but I would accept "one" if he would just be a little nicer when freaking replying. Sheesh.


Next is the people who ruin the nice looking lines. These people tend to not understand what a line is. Well being the goodie goodie person I am (not), a line is a formation of people one beside another or one after another. What I can't seem to understand is what is so hard for people to understand that when you trying to get any services and there is like more than yourself, you freaking get in line. Lately, I've been taking bus a lot and for some reason everytime, I must say congratz to some Malaysians who actually automatically without even noticing forms a line and obediently wait for their turn. Then comes THOSE people, walks straight to the front and looks at you blankly as though they don't know what a line is. Now I am not trying to be high almighty, I do cut lines myself at times but then again when it comes to normal situations, it really puzzles me why is it so hard to understand what lining up meant to these people. Then one day I finally notice some little teeny tiny evidence of the reason why. I don't remember which newspaper I read but according to guy who wrote the article, he encountered somewhat of a rush hour when going on a train overseas (I refuse to disclose the exact location) and practically he experienced what it is like to get into one of those train which involves lot of pushing and being pushed around to an extreme level I might say. Maybe it's normal overseas, I am not sure but then there is there and here is here, I think everyone should respect the people and the place they are at.


And lastly, smokers and loud talkers. Trust me there are more but I rather not think about it right now cause it spoiling my mood more and more every second. There seem to be a bunch of people who smokes and puffs like a factory chimney and blowing their smoke into people's face without a sense of any human-like rationality. I don't know what is in their mind. I don't even want to know but for goodness sake please blow it back into anywhere else but everyone around you. Next are loud talkers. Honestly I think two things are wrong here. First, my bad for not being able to understand what they were saying since it's a foreign language. Secondly, please for God's sake pipe it down a little. Goosh, it really feels like I am right in front of an amp sometimes when a pair of them talks loudly like nobody's business. This my friend is called noise pollution and personally I haven't not witness it till recently and I regret withnessing it. At first I thought hey this people are cool, they are practicing freedom. Freedom my a$$. Honestly I felt like shoving my shoe up both the smokers' and loud talkers' mouth. Then again I would end up having to go back home with a sore eye and barefoot.


Sigh I guess this is life. I just accept what happens in my life no matter how bad as somewhat of a test of faith for me. Nope I am just not the religious type that praises Him ever so often but rather someone who appreciates what is in store for me by Him. Somehow I think I have taken so much blow from Him or maybe not Him but from someone, that I have become totally numb and unable to return fire. Heck I even say thank you and remember them as if they happened yesterday. Reminds me of what my friend used to say "I can forgive you but I will never forget what you did". Somehow it all make sense now.