Forsaken...

Again and again I have been asked about my believe in the Big Guy above, where do I stand? Do I really believe in Him? So many questions related to Him yet so little answers about Him. Is my believe in Him just to the point that He is someone I talk to and pray to at the time of need? Is it to the point that I hope for the best for everyone I know from Him everyday? Is it to the point that that I hope that what happens to me each day is from Him and what happens to me is only for my own good? Is it to the point that I have someone to blame when things go wrong? Is it to the point that I have someone to point to for all the success in me? Sigh I can't say for sure where I stand... at least today or rather the past few weeks to be exact.


Probably around Tuesday 6pm I came home to realize that my PC wasn't working... System Boot Failure. Feels like my heart have broken into thousand pieces when I realize it had crashed dragging along all my treasures of songs, animes, comics, mangas, etc. Sad but true. Today I finally manage to get a new harddisk and also send the old one to reclaim warranty as there is nothing more that could be done to save the data.


My joy for having a new harddisk was cut short when I got home and installed everything else. My other harddisk could not be detected in my Windows. But the weird thing is it is detected in my BIOS and it is also detected as a hardware in my Windows. But no drive appeared. After a few setting changes here and there, it became worse as I can see the drive now but it is claiming the drive to be not formatted and asking for permission to format it. Again... my heart broke into a few more thousand pieces as my older songs and my whole collection of mtvs are gone for good if I ever press the button format which seems to be the only thing that I could do for now.


Problems aside, I have been having these thoughts for a couple of days now while walking to work. Why did all this happen to me? Did I do something bad to deserve all this? Is He showing me another route in life that means the sacrifice of this materials? Part of me want to deny the fact that it might be His work for a greater good in me. Part of me want to blame him for what a utterly disasterous thing he could do to me to erase a whole lifetime of things... my life along with the harddisk(s). I am getting confused.


Again with the problem tonight regarding the old harddisk... the idea came into mind again. We are talking here about gigs and gigs of data that I have collected over the years :

Songs and MTVs : The many many genres that I have collected over the years showing the transition of my taste for songs. The memories that they have, the people I met that recommended me the song(s), the people I met through songs, all gone. From pop to hip hop to rock to punk rock to many others that I have gone through. All gone.

Notes and Projects : The proof that I actually did study and gone through an amazing amazing life in campus. The tortures from my lecturers and tutors, the easy going life I had in campus. All gone.

Comics and Mangas : Though they were illegal at some point, it is still things that I have treasured over the past year or two. They are like trophies to me, sense of greatness is felt in me for I am holding on to gigs and gigs of comics and mangas in my humble collection. All gone.

Though there are more things in my harddisk that I failed to mention but I think the point is pretty obvious, a lot of things were kept in my harddisks. Things that really define me. Things that made me proud. Things that kept me alive in this lonely world of mine.


Sadly all is gone now and to my surprise, I somehow felt relieve and eager to tend to a new start in life with new things to keep in my new harddisks. The good side of me says He did all this in order to give me a new start in life. Trying to get rid of illegal things from my life. For that I felt greatful and eager to accept His action and find alternatives to the illegal things. Though there are some things that I cannot part with that will still grow and be collected in my PC. Comics, Mangas and Animes. I seriously can't part with those. For the rest I am willing to change. I am in fact downloading OpenOffice to replace my old pirated version of Microsoft Office. In hopes that I might be able to reduce the amount of piracy in my life.


Don't get me wrong. I do feel devastated by the event. Thinking back about all the things I have collected over the years. But part of me question myself, since when do I rewatch, reread, relisten to all those old materials? I don't seem to be using them as much as when I first got them. Maybe it is for the best that I part with them. Maybe it is His way of telling me to get a life. Maybe He is telling to get my life straight and legal and clean.


Or maybe I am just lying to myself. Another part of me want to say screw You. You have created earth and all its greatness and You screwed up by creating a mistake which is human civilization and dump them on earth. And now You are making them suffer. I say kill all or suck it up and deal with it...