Free...

It just feels much better writing at my current condition where I just got up from a nap at 11 at night and my mind is still in such a blurry mode and everything else just doesn't seem to matter as much. What matters is just getting something out and God knows when I would actually catch the excitement, the mixed emotion that I might have again similar to that of the current moment.


Actually it's been quite a while that I have thought of stopping this kinda writing and go on to a more casual writing of "Hey this is my cup" and smack a pick on the post of my cup. And probably the occasional opinion on certain matters. I don't seem to feel any sort of emotional let down or any negative feelings lately to write about. I guess that is a good sign.


I guess I have been eating healthy lately or I should say trying to. Just so happen last weekend I came back from my usual weekend strolls around my usual places and I held in my hand a bag full of goodies for the week and months ahead; stocking myself. And among those things I had bought a plastic wrapped of zucchini (3 of them) and a bag of apples. Why do I have zucchini? What did I have them in the first place? I seriously don't know. But since I bought them I guess I ate them. Ate the last one just today. I guess I am trying to increase my veg intake for my meals.


Second thing I brought back was jogging shoes. Yes finally my jogging shoes are there right in front of me and I just have to go for a jog tomorrow morning to try them out and ... trying to get myself healthy.


You know sometimes it feels as though I occasionally try to full myself and make myself walk in the correct direction through what you might say mental conditioning. Or maybe I am just imagining things. Oh well. Whatever it is, it is doing me good so I don't think I have any plans on going what is behind my mind at the moment.


Lately I have been talking to people about freedom. Nope not talking about the upcoming election. I am plainly talking about living free from any form of matters that might get attach to my life which could react in both good and bad ways at anytime of my life. I guess that is the best description of what I might be going through lately. From all the constant random explanation I try to give to try to explain to people how it feels like to be me, I realize something; "Free things come with a price". A bit ironic don't you think. Something is free but in reality you have to pay for it. I want to be happy and carefree, the price are the people around me. I want to have people around me, then I can't guarantee myself the carefree environment I now have.


Whether I want to or not, it seems to me I have to make a choice at least once every few years. A crucial one I might say. One that leads me to two totally different fork of the road. Do I really want to be free or do I want to feel mix cauldron full of emotions that seems currently be on a slow simmer inside me waiting to get its chance of a massive boil and spillage to my surroundings. Tough choice. Nevertheless, I feel the freedom I am feeling so far is doing good for me and I guess sometimes I have to sacrifice the time and energy that I once pour onto trying to lift myself up to people's expectations, fearing everday that I might lose someone, feeling the need to sacrifice for each and every person I know, having that feeling not on par with anyone around me. It hurts sometimes thinking about the distance past. Reminds me again and again to live a life free of everyone. Solitude is such a misused word these days...